The following is Serious, part of a year-long investigative series by Coma News Daily into the disappearance of a former Coma News Daily editor, Don Johnson Michaels.
What do pets mean to people?
For some, a pet is something that vomits throughout your home or that tries to lick your face after eating its own waste. But for others a pet is someone for whom you’d jump out of a plane–and parachute into a strip club.
That was the kind of commitment to an animal companion that a close friend of Don Johnson Michaels exhibited when her pet parakeet died.
Serious recently sat down with that close friend, Natalie Peters, to discuss Michaels’ shared love for animals and whether it could have been connected to his theft of a show pony on the day he was last seen riding away from Coma and laughing like a hyena.
Serious: Thank you Coma Councilwoman Natalie Peters for joining us today to discuss the disappearance of you’re friend.
Peters: Thank you for having me. Any way that I can help provide justice for my friend, Don, is the least I can do for Mr. T.
Serious: Wait, who’s Mr. T?
Peters: Mr. Tweet-Tweet-Tweetybird, who I called Mr. T, was my parakeet.
Serious: Oh, OK.
Peters: He was caught and eaten last year by red-tailed hawk while flying outside his cage, which was an item on his bucket list.
Serious: Oh right. And that pet’s death led to your unsuccessful push for an ordinance conferring human rights on Pet birds. Was that something Michaels was interested in?
Peters: Unnecessary bird-on-bird violence is a concern of many people in Coma–unfortunately just not the majority of voters in this unevolved backwards hamlet.
Serious: So, do you think the missing editor’s love of animals could have had something to do with his disappearance?
Peters: I have no idea. Let’s face it, the guy was a little crazy. You know whats not crazy if is my newest pet-related innovation.
Serious: What that?
Peters: Certified comfort rats.
Serious: Comfort rats?
Peters: I have found nothing helps relieve the stress of modern life like 10 or 12 rats crawling all over your body as you lay perfectly still. I’m planning to offer certified rat therapy starting next month to the wonderful residents of Coma.
Serious: That sounds … interesting. But we’re going to have to let you go there because that’s all the time have for this week’s installment of Serious.
Next time on Serious: We investigate the range of conspiracies that local kooks have come up with to explain the disappearance of Don Johnson