Queries and Quislings

Queries and Quislings is an advice dispensary offered as a public service of Coma News Daily and the advice is written by Coma News Daily publisher Davis Montgomery III.

Dear Query Guy,

How do I get that place called Vine to come and film me? I have some really funny ideas for stories but I need someone to film me. How do other people get their videos up there? I’ve called and emailed Vine and can’t get them to respond.

Sincerely Funny


Query Guy:

The subtle vagaries that guide men’s selection of leisure time activities are shot through with an almost infinite variety of permutations and depredations. My initial response to your query is to urge extensive reflection on the nature of man and his place in the universe before broaching an extensive exploration of what Vine is. Is it quite possible that you are not funny and no one wants to see your video. My exploration of Vine has proven that there are more people willing to film themselves than there are people with actual talent.

But I also recall the frequent and enthusiastic advice of my dearest spouse in such delicate circumstances: Hit it with a hammer. Don’t think about it and don’t wait. Just hit that problem with a hammer and hit it good. A hammer will fix anything including all of your problems. It will even fix the fact that you are not funny.
hit it with a hammer front page

If you have any questions about this advice it is only because you have failed to hit the problem hard enough and often enough with a hammer. This advise is so clear and concise that I am copying most of what I said to the querying woman last week.

Good luck to you, sir.

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