by Coma News Daily Staff
Citing an “epic quest” to return to medicine’s roots, Coma physician Dr. Jimmy announced this week his plans to open the town’s first medieval medical practice this spring.
“Sometimes the old ways are the best ways,” Dr. Jimmy said. “People are hungry for alternative forms of traditional medicine. My new practice will provide a real alternative while still being soundly based in western medicine practices that go back hundreds of years.”
The new practice, which Dr. Jimmy said will be called “Thine Leeching Post & Acupuncture,” will feature not only popular medieval medical services, like bloodletting and trepanning, but a full-breadth of long-forgotten procedures and practices to keep patients healthy.
“We’re way beyond simple leeching and drilling holes in people’s heads,” Dr. Jimmy said. “We will be the first place people think of when they hear popular terms like boar-bile enemas, hot-iron hemorrhoid treatment and medical astrology.”
Dr. Jimmy said the new practice has been in the works for nearly a decade and is the culmination of a life-long dream. The transition from present day western medicine to the sometimes archaic practices of medieval ages was a challenge for the 40-year old physician.
“First, I had to unlearn the vast knowledge I’ve accumulated over the past 12 years,” Dr. Jimmy said. “You’re not going to find a lot of information on corpse medicine, animal dung ointments and wandering wombs at Johns Hopkins, if you know what I mean. It was a difficult process.”
The new medical facility will feature a dungeon-like waiting room with “only the most current and popular golf, fashion and travel magazines,” along with a reception and nurse team bedecked in traditional medieval garments, robes and cloaks.
The biggest challenge Dr. Jimmy faced was from regulators and medical boards, who objected to what many call “unsafe and deadly” practices. Dr. Jimmy, however, said the traditional medical community is worried about nothing.
“Are we going to use urine as an antiseptic?” Dr. Jimmy asked rhetorically. “Yes. Are we going to give patients a brew of hemlock, opium and vinegar as an anesthetics? Yes. Guess what, that’s exactly what they did in the olden days and guess what, again? People are still around. Must not have been that bad.”
The new medical office is scheduled to open April 11 and new patients are encouraged to make appointments as soon as possible.