Ways You Could Die #2

phone knife


A 40-part series by Dr. Jimmy, Coma Physician, Divorced Father, Sometimes Goth, Weekend Raver

I am constantly asked about death.

Most people who come to visit me in my office are concerned about one thing; are they going to die?

In most cases the answer is yes, they are going to die at some point.

The reality stirs anxiety in my patients and I realized that I could help ease their concerns if I reminded them they are likely to die of heart disease or cancer and not from some terrible, horrific accident.

I’ve created a series of graphic descriptions on the many manners of death a person is not likely to die.

This series has been therapeutic to my patients and I’m hoping it will help you as well.

So please enjoy and remember that although the description below is plausible, you are far more likely to die from some run-of-the-mill disease or auto accident.


It is almost a certainty that sometime in the near future, a smart phone with a knife attachment will be invented.

This will represent the culmination of thousands of years of technical evolution and will mark a high-point in human history.

No longer will people have to choose whether to carry a cellular phone OR a knife- with the new knife phone, they will have the luxury of both.

You are a creature of habit and for thousands of years, humans placed the cell phone device near their ear.

Shortly after purchasing your new knife phone, you are sitting at home preparing a delicious sheet of Totino’s Pizza Rolls.  Your mind is singularly focused on the directions located on the back of the bag.

It's really easy to make Totino's Pizza rolls.

It’s really easy to make Totino’s Pizza rolls.

Suddenly, your phone rings.  Without thinking, you grab the phone and draw it toward your ear.

It is only a matter of seconds now until you die so don’t worry.  For a moment, you have clarity and higher level understanding that you just stabbed your brain with your new knife phone.

Mmmm...limited Mexican style pizza.

Mmmm…limited Mexican style pizza.

Your last thoughts are of the delicious pan of pizza rolls that would take a longer period of time to kill you and you wish you’d lived long enough to eat them.

And then you die.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>