On Friday, January 24th, Coma’s Ms. Sadie Cracker will host a seminar at the Coma Community Center titled: “The Accidental Cougar: Unintentionally Finding a Younger, Richer, Better Looking Man and How to Drop Him”.
Synopsis is written below:
So, Ladies, you find yourself almost forty and driving down the road in your giant black Suburban blasting the Beastie Boys, “No Sleep till Brooklyn”. There are eight children in the back of the car.
You do not know the names of the children but believe several might be yours.
At this moment all you know is the children are screaming even though you threw McDonald’s burgers toward the back of the car like raw meat to caged lions.
You crank up the music and “Baby’s Got Back” comes on the Sirius Satellite and a child in the back, who you do not know but has ended up in your car, starts yelling that they’ve lost a finger and you realize you have to get out of the relationship you are in.
When you met him you were having problems with your husband, ex husband or significant other or you had no significant other, husband or ex husband — he was much younger, funny, smart, wealthy, good looking and some how attracted to you. He made you believe you are hot even though you don’t own any thongs and your giant Haynes cotton is slightly threadbare.
You recently found out that he is attracted to many women who are not you and are much younger. They are hot. You are wizened.
This is you: you are not in your 20s anymore. You drive a large Suburban, there are tears running down your cheeks, you liked “Salt and Pepper” the band and not the condiment, as a teenager.
There is a child in back of your Suburban bleeding profusely, another screaming child threw a McDonald’s hamburger bun at your head and you have ketchup and onions in your hair. You are a woman who is almost 40 and this is your reality– you have McDonald’s sub-par excuse for velveeta stuck to your ear lobe.
How do you get out of this relationship because you are an accidental cougar?
Our first seminar will focus on how to write him the email that forces him to cut you off because you don’t want to cut him off. Write up an email that is brutally honest to the point it is eviscerating, Cougar, but never use the words cheeseburger, children, runny noses or speak of the realities of over-sized cotton underwear. You send him the email. He is into the fairytale you and not the real you who looks like Ronald McDonald ran into a hot yoga class and picked a food fight.
You kill the fairytale email.
Right now the back of your Suburban is a war zone where no one is winning and there are multiple casualties and one of the nameless children wet their pants all over the leather seat.
Stop your Suburban and pull down the mirror and look at yourself. You are almost 40. You have ketchup in your hair and now there are three children bleeding in the back of your car. You wear yoga pants and you have not brushed your hair or teeth in a week. This is not a fairytale, Cougar. This man is not your reality even though it felt amazing. You get out safely without any collateral damage to your heart. Join us for the first seminar. We will provide wine, a wake up call and babysitting. Your baggage is free. Join us at the community center and take back your life– after you take the bleeding child to the emergency room.