5,432 to Lose Lottery Saturday
By Thomas Steven John, future beat reporter, Coma News
More than five thousand Coma residents will fail to win the state lottery this weekend, Coma News has learned.
The inability to win by any of the 5,432 Coma residents who will play the state lottery this weekend was revealed to this reporter during a peyote-fueled fever dream.
This coma citizen has lost the lottery again.
The result will spark reactions among losing residents ranging from quietly sinking into deeper depressions to multi-epithet explosions. In all cases the losers will decline to specify the source of their upset to those around them.
Impending losers contacted for this article were generally incredulous and planned to play the Saturday lottery, regardless.
“If you’re such a smarty pants how come you don’t play and win the millions, future boy,” said Sherriff Paul T. Frostnib. “I’ll tell you why, because you’re a liar and a fraud.”
State lottery officials declined to comment about the impending universal loss among Coma residents but they indicated that a criminal investigation may follow publication of this report.