How To Take Selfless-ies : An LOL Mystery

by Marybell Davis, columnist, Snapchatter, Private Dick (which is so gross)

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell how’s your job search coming?
Marybell: Not now, Daddy. I need to tweet about how everyone needs to join Habitat for Humanity.
Daddy Warbucks: I thought you quit after you realized you didn’t know how to use a hammer.
Marybell: Shhh, Daddy. I need to concentrate. Tweeting is hard work.

Being selfless is so weird. Like, why would you want to? The invention of Snapchat, Pinterest and Twitter–and a hundred years ago, YouTube and Facebook–showed us all how important each of our opinions are and how we feel at every, single minute is super-important. What’s a lot less shareable is what we do, so why would anyone do something selfless? I mean, it sounds nice, but if you can’t share it, did it even happen?

You know what’s also weird? Homelessness.


Recently my friend, Hope, said that maybe since I have so much time– because I can’t find a job that will pay me what I’m worth–maybe I should volunteer.
“What does that even mean,” I said.
“Well, some people are homeless,” Hope said. “And they need us to volunteer and help them.”
“How do you that?” I asked.
“No, not me,” she said. “I’m totally wiped taking graduate school classes in Library Science but maybe you should,” Hope said.

So, I decided to volunteer because maybe people will hire me as a private dick if they know I care about things like hammers and houses. At least it’s not spending time with people with cancer, which is so gross. It’s just building a house. Plus when I tweeted about it people were really proud of me.

So I went. And I tried to hammer a nail three times and it just didn’t work. I asked the manager if I could volunteer for something else because the hammer was really difficult and probably broken.

“Maybe I could volunteer with social media, you know, something that would let me look attractive and sound compassionate?” I said.

“No, we just build houses,” mean manager-guy said. “Maybe you can do drywall?”

I finally got it.

Mystery solved: Some people are just A LOT better talking about doing stuff on social media than actually doing something. Know who you are and don’t be selfish about sharing it.

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