Category: Living

Life Hacks Volume I

by Stan Bargmeyer

There are a lot of things I have discovered over the years that make my life easier. Small, simple tips that can help you be happier and make life just a little more enjoyable. I want to share some of these “life hacks” with you. Maybe, like me, you weren’t aware. But that’s okay. Now you are.

How to quickly capitalize a letter or word while typing. This one comes in handy if you want to write sentences that use proper capitalization. There are two ways to do this. First, there is a button on most standard keyboards called “Shift.” If you hold this button down while typing a letter, the letter becomes a capitol letter! If you want to write in all caps, there is another button called “Caps Lock”. If you press that button, you will write in ALL CAPS. JUST LIKE THIS! To disarm this function, simply click the “Caps Lock” button a second time and you return to normal.

life hacks caps

How to repair and extend the life of damaged prescription eyewear. I have had to learn this little trick over time as I’ve been a prescription glasses-wearing person for years now. The secret to this little life hack is Scotch tape. I’m not joking! Take some Scotch tape and tape the glasses back together. Use it liberally to ensure it holds. Your glasses will be like new!

life hacks eyewear

How to make chocolate snack stand displays. If I’m hosting guests I like to make them feel welcome and find that these easy-to-make chocolate snack stand displays really do the trick. You just take one of those power adapter thingies from a smart phone, set it on its end and tuck a square of chocolate between the “prongs”. I hope that’s not too technical. This is a cute and clever way to add some fun to your next party or when hosting company.

life hacks chocolate stand

 

Artifacts: Thomas Paine

Coma Thomas Paine 04 28 16

Artifacts- Randy Crockett

Coma Randy Crockett 04 25 16

An LOL Mystery Solved: Tinder is For Groceries

Rejected-Nancy-Drew-Stain
Daddy Warbucks: Have you found a job yet, Marybell?
Me: Listen Daddy, being a private dick is so hard (and so gross). Do you know how many men are private Dicks? More than we can even count. And here I am as a woman and trying to be a detective- it takes work.
Daddy Warbucks: Have you gotten paid for all this detective work, Marybell?
Me: It”s not that kind of work, Daddy. But I think I have solved another mystery: How to use my Tinder to get groceries.
Relationships are hard. They take things like talking, compromise, forgiveness, intimacy, and most of all they take time.
In the olden days of the 1990s single men would have to go to a bar, find a woman, hope the woman was single and not totally insane, sit with her for hours talking, and then hope that maybe she’d go on a date. Then after four or five dates maybe they would get intimate but that was only if a guy was lucky.
Thank goodness for the Internet revolution where a bunch of nerds from Silicone Valley, who were too introverted to even make it to a bar, figured out a fix. The solution was super simple:  Make women feel so value-less (or swipeable) that they were willing to get an app with the “opportunity” to go have meaningless sex without a guy even needing to feign interest, talk to you again, or pay for food! That’s called a “sexual revolution”.
nancydrew1
So I was wondering, could I get Tinder guys to bring me groceries so I might actually get something substantial from our meaningless encounter?
I met Max on Tinder. We are both in the same field because all he can talk about is his private Dick work. He’s divorced, in his late-40s, and he’s looking to “party” and he freebases Viagra. Max has so much in common with my 25-year-old-self because we both like food.
Me: Will you bring some milk when you stop by?
Max: Oh yeah baby. Is that what you like? You like milk?
Me: Yes. Low fat please.
Max: Oh yeah. You like it low? Is that how you like it?
Me: And cheese–mozzarella.
Max: Oh yeah hot stuff. We can melt it with our hot bodies.
Me: And lunch meat. Not ham. Turkey.
Max: Oh yeah you like meat? I’ll bring you meat. How do you like it?
Me: Sliced thin.
Max: Okay babe I got your meat, cheese, and milk. I’ll see you at 7 and we can make a sandwich.
This is the second time I’ve gotten a guy to deliver me food on Tinder ladies and you should give it a try. Last week, John brought me tacos.
Daddy Warbucks: What do you want for dinner, Marybell?
Me: Don’t worry about me, Daddy. I’m getting a sandwich.

“Disappointing” Future of Fences Exhibit Opens this Week

by Coma News Staff

The Coma Futurist Society’s latest exhibit, The Future of Fences, opened this week to a luke-warm reception by many visitors. The exhibit features a number of conceptual drawings about how fences might look and be made over the course of the next several hundred years.

According to curator and society director, Micah Horncraft, the exhibit provides a “critical examination of what a fence may represent in the future.” Critics noted an overall lack of “substantive content” and creativity in the exhibit. Horncraft maintains the exhibit is not only founded in a spirit of innovation but prides the exhibit on the wildly imaginative speculations.

“It is very likely that in several hundred years, we would not be able to recognize the fence of today,” Horncraft said. “I think that’s hard for people to understand sometimes. It takes a leap of imagination.”

fence-2

ABOVE: The “Jet Rocket Super Fence” suggests that fences of the future may be very different than those of today

The collection of drawings and sketches includes more than two dozen designs that Horncraft said were rooted firmly in science and technological advances expected to occur in coming centuries.

But skeptics have dismissed much of the exhibit’s pieces as “simple-minded” and “inherently misguided.”

“It seems like the only thing that makes these fences futuristic is that they float or fly,” one visitor, who wished to remain anonymous, said. “Like, who would build a small section of fence and put it on a cloud way up in the sky? Where is the utility?”

One of the most popular pieces includes a fence with what appears to be fixed wings and jet engines. Horncraft defended the liberal use of flying or floating fences.

“Why wouldn’t fences of the future be able to fly?” Horncraft asked. “I mean, lots of things are going to be flying around the sky in a couple hundred years so, I think we’re going to need fences in the sky too.”

fence-1

ABOVE: A section of fence sits on a billowy cloud up in the sky. Apparently in the future, we will need to place fences on clouds

The exhibit, which opened earlier this week, is scheduled to run through the end of February. While Horncraft is optimistic the interest and turnout will be strong he is concerned some of the early word-of-mouth reviews could deter some visitors. Some of the exhibit’s other highlights include:

– A floating fence on a cloud. Although Horncraft could not explain the physics behind this possibility, he did state “they’ll figure something out.”

– A fence made entirely from animal teeth. According to Horncraft, Animal teeth are going to be a primary building material in years to come.

– A fence made from a yet-to-be-discovered substance that is both a solid and a liquid and combines “elements of fire, electricity and is really elastic.”

fence 3

ABOVE: A fence made entirely from a yet-to-be-discovered material that somehow is an elastic combination of fire and electricity that is both in solid and liquid form

“It was just bad,” another unidentified critic offered. “Like last year’s ‘Casserole’s of the Future’ it just relies too heavily on things flying. Like you can’t just draw a picture of a tuna casserole surrounded by clouds and say that’s the future of a tuna casserole! I mean, I don’t even understand the context in which you would want a casserole of any kind to float or fly.”

Horncraft said the exhibit will be open Thursday through Sunday from 2 p.m. – 6 p.m. Admission is $8 for adults and $4 for children.

 

The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: Do you think people hundreds of years from now will still be talking about animal rights?

A: I don’t know. It’s possible.


Q: I’m worried cursive writing will be completely extinct in several thousand years. Like, I’m really, really concerned about this. I’ve spent a lot of time writing in this style. Should I be concerned?

A: Yes. It will likely be completely obsolete as a writing style within your lifetime (assuming you’re not over the age of 80 or 85)


Q: Do you think there will be any cool advances in candy bar technology in the next 50 years? I can’t wait to see if there is going to be some super cool new kind of PayDay bar or KitKat! I’m really jacked about candy bar evolution!!

A: There will probably be some advancements. But I have no idea what those would be. Maybe chewier? I’m not sure.

Local Writer’s New Book Explores Vampires, Weightlifting

 

By Coma News Daily Staff

Coma resident and popular children’s author Dee Collins released her latest effort this week at a book signing in Coma.

Titled “I Think This Dude at My Gym is a Vampire But I’m Not Sure,” the 49-page illustrated book follows the story of Bill Ray, an avid and committed gym rat and his pursuit to determine if one of the dudes that works out at his gym is a vampire.

According to Collins, the book is intended to raise questions about assumptions and the author is hopeful it will make children pause and reflect before jumping to conclusions without sufficient facts or evidence to support those conclusions.

vamp-book-cover

ABOVE: Dee Collins’ latest offering focuses on jumping to conclusions. And weightlifting.

Throughout the story, Bill Ray finds clues that support his hypothesis that the dude at his gym might be a vampire.  While some of the clues are subtle, like the fact the dude does not have a reflection in the mirror, has long, pointy teeth and generally looks “creepy,” Bill Ray can’t make up his mind for certain about whether the dude truly is a vampire or not.

“People need to not judge others by what they see on the outside or by some series of events that may turn out to be coincidence,” Collins said. “This book frames that concept nicely and children will walk away with a better appreciation for looking beyond the superficial qualities of others.”

In one particularly dramatic part of the story, Bill Ray arrives at the gym early one morning to discover blood smeared across the floor, walls and exercise equipment.  He goes to the locker room to find the dude sitting on a bench, his hands and mouth covered in blood.  While such evidence would seem to support Bill Ray’s assumption that the dude is a vampire, he reserves further judgement until more evidence is presented.

“Most people would walk through that gym and locker room and be like ‘that guy is definitely a vampire who just killed somebody,’” Collins said.  “But Bill Ray is not most people. He’s not going to jump to that conclusion.  There may be a perfectly sound explanation for what he saw. He doesn’t have enough information to draw those conclusions.”

While some critics have praised the life-like artwork, others have expressed frustration over the protagonist’s stubbornness to confront reality.

“I mean, in one scene, this Bill Ray guy finds the gym dude sucking the blood out of a lifeless body stuffed inside his locker,” one critic noted. “Come on! That is literally the definition of what a vampire is. How can Bill Ray still not be sure?”

Collins said her latest effort is among her proudest achievements and believes it can help a generation of young people start to see the world in a whole new light.

“I Think This Dude at My Gym is a Vampire” goes on sale next week at bookstores across the country.

 

The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: What time will it be at this precise moment on this day in the year 2350?

A: 11:56 a.m. EST


Q: I like cake. A lot! Should I be worried that cake will somehow be extinct in the next 300 – 500 years?

A: Cake is expected to last into the foreseeable future. It may be very different from the cake you enjoy now, however. But if you have an open mind, enjoy root-based vegetables and can adequately digest some types of animal bones, you should be able to continue to enjoy cake for years to come.


Q: Will there ever be a professional hockey player named Lucas Shinewall? I think that would be a cool name for a hockey player.

A: Maybe.