An LOL Girl Mystery: Can old time medicine bring true love?
The following is an excerpted blog by a Coma resident, which is presented as a community service by Coma News Daily.
Can something from the past make men in the future understand you are the right girl for them?
Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, what are you up to? Thinking about grad school? Looking for a good job?
Me: Not now, Daddy. I am the only private dick around here who’s a women. All the other private dicks are a bunch of high school guys who just like to call themselves private dicks.
Well, this private dick has to work twice as hard to get half the credit.
Here’s a real mystery: How do we find love in the Internet age? Can we look to the past and find a medieval potion that works better than a Tinder hook up?
My iphone is amazing. I have apps for everything– Tinder random hook-ups, Facebook shaming, and the ability to tweet anonymously to Kanye. All of this stuff is great. I’ve never had so many guys finding me hot and wanting to pay for my dinner (Sorry, wrinkled grandpa from Florida.). The best part is they don’t know my flaws (which are few) they just know what I want them to see (my bikini pics or that time I was having a lot of fun at a bar and cropped out my ex).
But how do we find someone to care about us for who we really are? And by that I mean the inevitable point when we are fat and depressed (aka old)?
I don’t know what this feels like but I’ve observed old people (weirdos over 40) and the future looks pretty miserable.
But maybe there’s hope. It’s a new medical practice in town that focuses on Medieval medicine and offers all kinds of folk remedies and potions. Maybe, just maybe, it will have one to make an attractive girl find a cute rich guy, who will still love her when she’s old and fat.
So, I decided to visit Dr. Jimmy at the new medical practice he’s building “Thine Leeching Post & Acupuncture”.
After they called my name and took me back to a torture chamber, Dr. Jimmy asked me to talk with a stick in my mouth “for medicinal purposes.”
Dr. Jimmy: Why are you here, Marybell?
Me: Garbled, garbled, garbled, garbled, love.
Dr. Jimmy: So you want a love potion?
Me: Yef, pweef.
He took out a leech and I blacked out.
When I woke up, I was the same. There was no leech and Dr. Jimmy was holding a mirror.
I looked and staring back at me was a cute-smart-girl, me.
Me: What did you give me?
Dr. Jimmy: Nothing. You blacked out when I took out the leech.
I walked out of the clinic and decided to delete Tinder and turned off Facebook notifications. I looked up an realized that there were clouds in the sky and people walking the street.
The sun was shining and I realized that most people around here are old but I still felt better not getting a notification from Tinder that a stranger thinks I’m hot. I saw people and I smiled at them and said “hi.” Very weird.
I walked into Bear’s Biker Bar. Bear got me a drink and said, “where’s your phone?”
“I dunno,” I said. “What did you do today?”
So, I didn’t solve the mystery of how to find love in a way that’s better or easier than Tinder. But I did figure out that this Medieval medicine can help you disconnect from the Internet.