Archive for: March 2014

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.




[FreecycleComa] WANTED – a school project due tomorrow!‏

My son has a theater project due tomorrow and it’s way out of his league. Problem is, no one else seems willing to build dollhouse furniture for unrelated kids for free. We’ve looked everywhere and asked everyone and the only people we can even find someone with the skills is college theater students who charge way more than we can afford. If you have any school projects lying around (does not need to be anything like dollhouse furniture) and you are not using it then we’d really like to borrow it. Would need to pick up today since his dollhouse project is due tomorrow. If you want it returned we could do that!
email Bob Smith-Smith

[FreecycleComa] Taken: Set of foreign travelers

These foreigners have been taken. Thanks for quick curbside pick up.
Marlee Bumgartener



5,432 to Lose Lottery Saturday

By Thomas Steven John, future beat reporter, Coma News
More than five thousand Coma residents will fail to win the state lottery this weekend, Coma News has learned.
The inability to win by any of the 5,432 Coma residents who will play the state lottery this weekend was revealed to this reporter during a peyote-fueled fever dream.
This coma citizen has lost the lottery again.

This coma citizen has lost the lottery again.

The result will spark reactions among losing residents ranging from quietly sinking into deeper depressions to multi-epithet explosions. In all cases the losers will decline to specify the source of their upset to those around them.
Impending losers contacted for this article were generally incredulous and planned to play the Saturday lottery, regardless.
“If you’re such a smarty pants how come you don’t play and win the millions, future boy,” said Sherriff Paul T. Frostnib. “I’ll tell you why, because you’re a liar and a fraud.”
State lottery officials declined to comment about the impending universal loss among Coma residents but they indicated that a criminal investigation may follow publication of this report.

Physician Challenges Councilmember to LARPing Duel

dr jimmy larping

By Coma News Staff

In what was described as a stunning and unexpected development at last night’s town council meeting, Dr. Jimmy, Coma resident and town physician, challenged Coma Town Councilmember Bob Smith-Smith to a LARPing duel to determine “who’s the baddest motherfucker in town.”

Witnesses said Dr. Jimmy interrupted Smith-Smith while the councilmember was giving an update on recent additions to Denzel Washington’s Wikipedia page and repeatedly challenged the councilmember to engage in live-action roleplaying (LARP) sword fighting.

“He was like a rabid dog or ox,” Councilmember Natalie Peters said, about the general practitioner. “At one point, he started speaking in a sort of Irish-Scottish accent, which certainly made it all seem more dramatic than it probably was.”

In a statement released this morning, Dr. Jimmy stood by his challenge. “I will administer a beating worthy of inclusion in the thick, dusty books of antiquity,” Dr. Jimmy said.  “I will not say any more, however, as I prefer to let my trusty blade do the talking for me.” Dr. Jimmy added that while technically his LARPing sword is not a blade, it is a sturdy piece of PVC piping wrapped in foam and can inflict pain when it hits its mark with enough force.

In his statement, Dr. Jimmy said he has been working on a number of moves and maneuvers he believes will be too much for the novice Smith-Smith to handle.  He added that while he prefers traditional “freeform” LARPing, he is not opposed to a “theatre-style” duel if that is what his nemesis wants. While Dr. Jimmy did not disclose a date for the duel, he said he looked forward “to tasting the blood of Smith-Smith” very soon.

Smith-Smith declined to comment on the challenge.

Classified: Siamese Cat for Sale

Cute Siamese cat wallpapers 1024x1024 (11)

Selling my two-year old Siamese cat.  Nothing physically wrong with him.  I think he goes through my shit when I’m not home.  I find things moved or put in the wrong drawers sometimes.

Pretty sure he sold my Xbox gaming system on eBay last month.  I don’t think I can trust him anymore.  Like I said, he’s healthy as shit and is still pretty young.  You won’t find a better cat unless you don’t like your cat going through your shit and selling your stuff on eBay.  I also think he uses my razor.

Contact Dave Anderson if interested.

I’m Here, So Get Ready to Know Stuff

Coma teenager, Chase Donovan, recently joined the Coma News Network and wants people to know he is here and wants people to get ready to know stuff


Editorial note: The views expressed by Chase Donovan are not those of Coma News. Due to a shortage of reporters, editors and columnists, Coma News has allowed our interns to take a more active role throughout the publication. This column is brought to you by Liquid Ham. It’s Oink-a-licious.

Chase Donovan

A couple weeks ago the people at Coma News asked me if I was interested in doing an internship since I was in the news room all the time. I think they wanted me here because a lot of old people are here and they wanted a younger voice. I’m pretty sure they also heard about me and know I have mind-blowing ideas that will definitely tear shit up.

So here’s a heads up that I’m around and will write news stories from time to time that will blow your mind right out your head.

I’m working on a news story right now about economies and how if money were free then people wouldn’t go hungry or need jobs or anything. I don’t want to give it away but it’s about how if you gave people money any time they wanted it, they wouldn’t worry about getting money for groceries or anything.

Think about it.

I’m also working on a story about whether paper is made out of trees or if trees are made out of paper. How do we know it’s not the other way around? We always say paper comes from trees, but if all paper is made from trees, then doesn’t that mean that all trees are made of paper? Yeah, it kind of does meant that.

Think about it.

I don’t want to give all my news stories away but I’m in the newsroom now and I’m not going to hold back. So get ready to know the news in new and different ways. Like, are babies really small adults or are adults really big babies?  I’m full of this kind of shit.

Donovan is an intern for Coma News.

Coma Futurist Society Opens “Future of the Moustache” Exhibit

Coma Futurist Society Curator, Micah Horncraft, stands beside one of the exhibits at "The Future of the Moustache"

By: Coma News Staff

The Coma Futurist Society opened its first public exhibit this week at the Suds & Suds on Fourth Avenue. Titled, “Future of the Moustache”, the exhibit features more than a dozen hand-drawn illustrations depicting the moustaches of 2114.

The exhibits aims to revolutionize the way people consider the future and–in this case–facial hair, according to Micah Horncraft, founder and curator of the Coma Futurist Society.

“A lot of people don’t really stop and think about what things might look like in the future,” said Horncraft.  “We’re sharing a vision with people and asking them to come along for the ride. Maybe this will give people less anxiety and more to look forwad to.”

According to Horncraft, there is no reason to think that in one-hundred years, humans would not be capable of growing feather moustaches

According to Horncraft, there is no reason to think that in one-hundred years, humans would not be capable of growing feather moustaches

If the illustrations in the moustache exhibit are any indication, the future moustache will bare little resemblence to its current form and functionality. The many forms of the future moustache shocked and confused attendees.

“I’ve read a lot on the internet, like Wikipedia, and feather moustaches are just not biologically possible for human beings to grow,” Coma Councilman Bob Smith-Smith said. “Of course, people who lived a couple thousand years ago couldn’t have imagined that humans would one day be able to heat up burritos in thirty seconds so maybe technology will get us there.”

The exhibit is hosted by Suds & Suds, the popular bar and laundromat located in downtown Coma. Suds & Suds owner, Mark Pelfry, said any chance to draw attention and traffic to his business is worth a shot.

“I like a good moustache as much as the next guy,” Pelfry said. “I was in as soon as they said the word ‘public.’ People have a hunger to see the future, especially when it comes to facial hair.”

Artist depiction of the "nosestache".  Horncraft said in the future, people will grow moustaches on the bridge of their nose

Artist depiction of the “nosestache”. Horncraft said in the future, people will grow moustaches on the bridge of their nose

Horncraft said his favorite piece in the exhibit features the “above the nose” moustache or, as he likes to call it, the “nosestache”.

“I grow wild with anticpation when I consider that sometime in the future people will grow moustaches on the bridge of their noses,” an excited Horncraft said.  “I just pray that day isn’t too far off in the future.  What a fun world this will be whence that day doth arrive.”

Horncraft said in the future, moustaches will be used as a form of simple communication

Horncraft said in the future, moustaches will be used as a form of simple communication

“This is the only place in Coma where you can see–and not just read about–the future today,” Horncraft said.

The exhibit is scheduled to run through March.

Editorial: A New Dawn for Coma News

davis montgomery

Editorial — Davis Montgomery, publisher of Coma News and avid horse enthusiast speaks to the future of Coma News and the Coma News Network. This editorial was brought to you by “Jax Used Cars”. It’s mule season. Bring in your mule carcass for $50 off your next car purchase.

People constantly want know what makes Davis Montgomery tick. That’s when I tell them about my classical education, love of literature and role as publisher and owner of Coma News ( a subsidiary of the Coma News Network).

In an age of rapid globalization, compressing margins and ever-evolving standards, the biggest challenge in the news industry is our inability to make money. As I told Barry, my lead thoroughbred trainer, ‘I’ve won in every industry but cannot for the life of me derive a profit from the newspaper or online ezine.’

It was in pursuit of such an improvement that I invited the Coma News staff to take the weekend off and come to my 987-acre estate in Coma’s horse country to shape the future of this town’s cutting edge source for information.

Instead of our staff writers, editors and columnists attending some indolent boozefest–as some of them had no doubt assumed–I undertook to sharpen them into a precision reporting team.

davis montgomery 2

Above:Davis Montgomery cares about news and this picture was brought to you by Coors Light Liquid Nitrogen. “It’s Super Fucking Cold.” 

Endurance swims across a pond of fresh printer’s ink gave way to spirited footchases of our news staff by mounted re-enactors of the Pony Express.

Stone chiseling, papyrus reed picking and smoke signal competitions (with but a badge of honor as the prize) occupied much of the afternoon.

The result? Well, I should hope the result will be obvious to our readers and truly beloved advertisers. The recent additions to our editorial staff will be accompanied by grand and glorious expansions in advertising, classifieds, advertorials and sponsorship for twitter posts.

So we welcome you to next and most lucrative chapter in the history of Coma News Network that is less about content and more about the bottom line and hope that you enjoy it as much as we will.


Davis Montgomery is publisher of Coma News

This Editorial was brought to you by Jax used cars.

Jax Auto Ad 250 x 250

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.





[Freecycle Coma] offer: two petite lady outfits

Received from another freecycler, this aqua pantsuit will fit if your waistline is less than 24. The pantsuit is for a true petite size 2, no larger than 32 bust size. Please pick up both and freecycle if you do not want one. Thanks, porch pick up in my backyard trashcan please give 3 hour frame window for pick up.

Dr. Jimmy

[Freecycle Coma] OFFER: Ladies’ Workout System

Looks like a lot of ladies are getting in shape for the summer. Here’s a padded exercise mat that rolls up for easy storage. Plus three exercise videos in VHS tape format. Oh, you no longer have a VHS player, you say? I’ll include it in your package, together with an old-style TV that only plays VHS tapes. Set it up in your guest room and you won’t even be tempted to watch TV shows. Get pumping, ladies!
If interested, please respond with mobile phone number, even if you have contacted me before. I do not keep respondents’ phone numbers on file nor do I want to go hunting through old emails. If you are hot maybe more than a freecycle exchange?
contact: Don Johnson Michaels
Some VHS excersize videos. Let's get sexy ladies.

Some VHS excersize videos. Let’s get sexy, ladies.