Archive for: February 2014

Fast Food Chain Coming to Coma?


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According to sources inside the Mayor’s office, Coma may soon be welcoming its first fast food franchise. Based on an insider who wished to remain anonymous, town officials are in the process of finalizing terms on a deal to open a Foot Bucket restaurant within city limits.

“This would obviously be a really big deal for people who not only enjoy eating food, but, more precisely, enjoy eating different styles of animal-hoove food,” the insider said.  “Now, if I get the hankering for sheep foot or cow hoof, I don’t have to drive four hours round trip.  I can just go across town and get as much animal-foot style food I can eat.”

The popular fast food chain started in Mississippi in 1982 and has since opened more than 120 franchises in 28 states.  Known for its family-style meal the Bucket O’ Feet that features a mix of seven different fried animal feet, Foot Bucket has seen as dramatic rise in popularity following its “Itchy Ray” TV commercials.  The whimsical advertisements feature a character named Itchy Ray who robs a series of banks in order to get money to support his Foot Bucket addiction.

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While no official confirmation has been made, Mayor Anderson did admit that his office will soon be making an announcement about a new restaurant that would be opening in town that specializes in serving a very specific animal body part, although Anderson refused to elaborate.


After 40 Years of Threats, Coma Man Yet to Put Boot Up Anyone’s Ass

Henry Carver refuses to take shit from anyone and is at any given moment prepared to put his boot up someone's ass.

Henry Carver refuses to take shit from anyone and is at any given moment prepared to put his boot up someone’s ass.

Coma resident and part-time barber, Henry Carver, has been threatening to put his boot up the ass of an assortment of punks, nincompoops and long-hairs for nearly forty years now without actually following through with the threat.

“I’ve come close a few times,” Carver said.  “Don’t think I won’t do it cause I’d just as soon insert a boot into your buttocks region as I would to look at you.  Ain’t gonna take no shit from hippies or people who talk funny.”

Carver, who turns 67 this summer, estimates that he has made the threat hundreds of times over the years partly because it was an effective way to deal with people who irritated him or got in his way somehow.

“He threatened me with that about ten years ago,” accountant Gene Parks said.  According to Parks, he inadvertently cut in front of Carver at a local grocery store when Carver told the young man to get out of his way or he would insert the business end of his boot into Parks’ behind.

“Let’s just say I got out of his way,” Parks added. “It’s a powerful threat and I for one don’t want to be the guy walking around with a boot, or any footwear for that matter, protruding from my backside.”

Friends of Carver said what makes the situation even more interesting is the fact that Carver rarely, if ever, wears boots.

“I don’t even think he owns a pair of boots,” Nicholas Duke said of his friend.  “He stands on his feet all day cutting hair.  Boots would be a poor choice in footwear.”

Carver said that while people may start to think that just because he hasn’t actually put a boot up anyone’s ass, they better be careful not to test him.

“One of them protesters come into my shop or try to get me to sign a petition or something, I’m gonna put a boot up their ass and send them on their way,” Carver added. “Just because I don’t own a boot doesn’t mean I can’t go find one somewhere and come back to wherever you are and then slip it on my foot and drive it into your poop slide.  That goes for anybody who doesn’t love this country or looks like they jiggle when they walk.”


Coma Historian Gives Up On Past, Eyes Future

Coma Town Historian Quits Post And Creates Town ‘Futurist’ Position

By: Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not and Alcoholic

Jeff Smithery, longtime member of the Coma Shirtless Town Council and Town Historian, resigned his historian post due to the town’s “depressing” history.

“Our past can basically be summed up as a series of bans on things,” Jeff told the Shirtless Town Council during his regularly scheduled testimony at Monday’s meeting. “Anyway, most of our history blew up in the landmine fiasco. So long story short, I’ve decided to quit my post.”

Jeff’s surprise announcement, which left some council members speechless and others slumbering, came a day after Mayor Dave’s official proclamation that “History is largely dangerous and sad.”

The mayor urged their fellow Coma residents to “forget what happened and look to what possibly might occur in the future”.

The public clearly agrees.

Coma shut-in and community activist leader Marlee Bumgartner said in a phone interview that “looking back is just depressing.”

“I live in the here and now–and by that I mean living virtually, on the internet, while sitting on my couch. The only thing that worries me about the here and now is all this twerking going out there. Obviously thats something to do in the privacy of my bathroom.”
Coma Sheriff Paul T. Fronstib III agreed with the historian and shut-in on the meaningless of history in a place as forward leaning as Coma.

“The only past we should really look at is something that could take us Back to the future,” Fronstib said, while reclining in his office chair. “So we are going forward while looking back and in a Delorian. This all makes a lot more sense if you’re on the YouTube.”
Sources who requested anonymity said there are more reasons than “the past” for Jeff’s historical departure but for now it looks to be something we will only understand in the future.

Man Claims He Was Chased By Headless Horseman, Sort Of

Coma resident, Malcolm Donahue, claimed Wednesday that he was chased through the night by a headless horseman this week.  Kind of.

“It was terrifying at first,” Donahue said.  “Seeing this large, headless figure running in my general direction wielding a medieval-looking ax was really disconcerting.”

Donahue was walking his dog, Spanish Joe, through the Burke-Perkins trail when he heard a rustling in nearby bushes.  Shortly after, Donahue claims a large, headless figure emerged from the woods and took off after him.

“I just turned and ran as fast as I could,” Donahue said.  “After a while I thought I should go back for Spanish Joe.  That’s when I saw the headless ghost dude again.”

According to Donahue, the headless horseman appeared to be chasing him, but could not effectively navigate the trail.

“He just isn’t a good chaser,” Donahue said.  “I mean, he’s really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad at chasing people around in the woods.”

Donahue theorized the fact the ghost-like creature lacked a head, and therefore had no eyes or vision, greatly reduced his ability to pursue victims.  Donahue said the creature repeatedly ran into fallen trees, branches, boulders and bushes.

“At one point, I kind of felt sorry for him,” Donahue said.  “I mean, it can’t be easy trying to chase people around with a battle axe and not being able to see who you’re chasing.  Think about it.”

Donahue, who successfully retrieved his Cocker-Spaniel, Spanish Joe, said he has no plans of staying away from the trail, despite the fact he now believes it is haunted by a headless horseman.

“Short of being locked in a closet with that dude, I don’t think he poses much of a threat,” Donahue said.  “He can’t see or hear, so that really minimizes his ability as a predator.”

Mayor Proposes Ban on Criticizing Mayor About Bans

Mayor Proposes Ban on Criticizing Mayor About Bans

Citing a growing frustration regarding negative feedback his office has received over the recent spate of newly-introduced bans and ordinances, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson suggested a new ban on criticizing the mayor over bans and ordinances during an impromptu press conference on Monday.

“Keep it up,” Mayor Anderson said in a threatening tone.

Several unidentified staffers confirmed the mayor’s office has received nearly a dozen phone calls, letters and Post-it notes over the last month from disgruntled citizens criticizing the mayor’s support of city bans that have included restrictions on everything from non-dairy whipped topping to paper products.

“There have been at least five phone calls, which has got the entire mayor’s office up in arms,” one unidentified city employee said.  “Good thing most of us have two arms so we can keep up with all those calls.”

Mayor Anderson refused to elaborate on what appeared to be a veiled threat.  The former stand-up comedian and first-term mayor tried to change the subject with a series of relatively obvious observations about relationships.

“Do you ever find yourself in the middle of sexual fornication and forget what you’re supposed to do?” the Mayor asked the small collection of reporters who were present.  “Can I say the words ‘sexual fornication’ in a press conference?”

Last week, Mayor Anderson said the recent bans were a result of increased pressure by local community activist groups and concerned citizens.  The mayor is facing increased pressure from constituents who maintain the bans are an infringement on basic liberties.  The issue is expected to be a hot-button issue in the upcoming mayoral race in October.  Anderson will face the winner of the primary election pitting live-at-home man, Steve Phillips, and local paving magnate Russel Stonewall.

How to Be The BEST Blogger on the Internet in Your 20’s – Using Dead People Quotes

How to Be The Best Blogger on the Internet in Your 20s Using Quotes By DEAD People

By Marybell Davis

25 years old, Amazing Life Lived, Awesome Blogger of Awesome things.

I recently broke up with, got back together with, broke up with and got back together with my boyfriend. He’s mine because we are like meant to be together but he doesn’t realize it and keeps getting back with other girls he’s dated that aren’t me. My sister says he has a harem.

Only people in poor countries and Utah have harems lol lol.

But what does a girl do when she doesn’t know what to say or write to make herself feel better about trying to win a guy who obviously doesn’t love her? When I don’t know what to say I say this: WWDWS? What Would Dead Writers Say?

That’s right. LOL.

They were really smart back when they had to use a pencil to write or a feather with ink LOL LOL. And they had a lot to say about life and love and not making mistakes like dating the same guy who doesn’t really love you LOL LOL. Mainly I don’t listen to that advice but I want to let you know who some of those really awesome writers are so that you can use your google and screenshot their quotes. This way you won’t have to think at all next time you are searching and searching obsessively the Linkedin account of some chick the guy who doesn’t understand he loves you is talking to. The best thing to do is post quotes to make yourself feel better because you find out she’s pretty cool and has done a lot of things because she isn’t stuck in a small town like Coma obsessing over the one unavailable-available guy there. FML.

Here are the writers that make me feel better about myself.

William Shakespeare...he doesn't have an ipod lol lol... who uses ipods anymore??

William Shakespeare…he doesn’t have an ipod lol lol… who uses ipods anymore??

This guy, Shakespeare, he said “If music be the food of love, play on”. What he meant is that when a guy falls in love with a girl who is not you then you listen to Katy Perry. There’s nothing like a dark horse…LOL LOL. He can’t say no to a dark horse. It’s like dark chocolate. LOL LOL

Flannery O'Connor...LOL..she wears glasses and wrote stuff...LOL...

Flannery O’Connor…LOL..she wears glasses and wrote stuff…LOL…


This is Flannery. I like calling her Flannery like we know each other. I like using her quotes because she wrote about men. She wrote this awesomest story about “A good man is hard to find”. Boy is it ever. Especially when he flirts with you and like twelve other girls who aren’t you. That’s okay. Once you find a semi-good man like I did you just hold on to him and never ever let him go even if he doesn’t love you. Flannery said, “I love a lot of people but understand none of them.” So true LOL.

Kanye...enough said...he can teach all these dead people about love...LOL

Kanye…enough said…he can teach all these dead people about love…LOL

Kanye is one of my favorite quote writers. He’s not DEAD…LOL LOL. But he has soooooooo much to tell us about writing and really about love. One time when he was poor he bought himself some Gucci slippers with two weeks salary. I KNOW how that is…one time when I was poor I had all these mentors who wore Chanel and they taught me so much about color coordination and purchasing name brands. LOL LOL…that’s life really.

Just remember when you write- to be the best blogger you must use other peoples quotes and make them yours. This is how you seem smarter when you spend three months salary on a Chanel suit. LOL LOL.Because it doesn’t matter who you are inside it matters what you wear and how well you quote things people already said. Just sayin.