Coma Town Historian Quits Post And Creates Town ‘Futurist’ Position

By: Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not and Alcoholic

Jeff Smithery, longtime member of the Coma Shirtless Town Council and Town Historian, resigned his historian post due to the town’s “depressing” history.

“Our past can basically be summed up as a series of bans on things,” Jeff told the Shirtless Town Council during his regularly scheduled testimony at Monday’s meeting. “Anyway, most of our history blew up in the landmine fiasco. So long story short, I’ve decided to quit my post.”

Jeff’s surprise announcement, which left some council members speechless and others slumbering, came a day after Mayor Dave’s official proclamation that “History is largely dangerous and sad.”

The mayor urged their fellow Coma residents to “forget what happened and look to what possibly might occur in the future”.

The public clearly agrees.

Coma shut-in and community activist leader Marlee Bumgartner said in a phone interview that “looking back is just depressing.”

“I live in the here and now–and by that I mean living virtually, on the internet, while sitting on my couch. The only thing that worries me about the here and now is all this twerking going out there. Obviously thats something to do in the privacy of my bathroom.”
Coma Sheriff Paul T. Fronstib III agreed with the historian and shut-in on the meaningless of history in a place as forward leaning as Coma.

“The only past we should really look at is something that could take us Back to the future,” Fronstib said, while reclining in his office chair. “So we are going forward while looking back and in a Delorian. This all makes a lot more sense if you’re on the YouTube.”
Sources who requested anonymity said there are more reasons than “the past” for Jeff’s historical departure but for now it looks to be something we will only understand in the future.

Follow

Share on Tumblr

comments feed

Mayor Proposes Ban on Criticizing Mayor About Bans

Citing a growing frustration regarding negative feedback his office has received over the recent spate of newly-introduced bans and ordinances, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson suggested a new ban on criticizing the mayor over bans and ordinances during an impromptu press conference on Monday.

“Keep it up,” Mayor Anderson said in a threatening tone.

Several unidentified staffers confirmed the mayor’s office has received nearly a dozen phone calls, letters and Post-it notes over the last month from disgruntled citizens criticizing the mayor’s support of city bans that have included restrictions on everything from non-dairy whipped topping to paper products.

“There have been at least five phone calls, which has got the entire mayor’s office up in arms,” one unidentified city employee said.  “Good thing most of us have two arms so we can keep up with all those calls.”

Mayor Anderson refused to elaborate on what appeared to be a veiled threat.  The former stand-up comedian and first-term mayor tried to change the subject with a series of relatively obvious observations about relationships.

“Do you ever find yourself in the middle of sexual fornication and forget what you’re supposed to do?” the Mayor asked the small collection of reporters who were present.  “Can I say the words ‘sexual fornication’ in a press conference?”

Last week, Mayor Anderson said the recent bans were a result of increased pressure by local community activist groups and concerned citizens.  The mayor is facing increased pressure from constituents who maintain the bans are an infringement on basic liberties.  The issue is expected to be a hot-button issue in the upcoming mayoral race in October.  Anderson will face the winner of the primary election pitting live-at-home man, Steve Phillips, and local paving magnate Russel Stonewall.

Follow

Share on Tumblr

comments feed