Coma Historian Gives Up On Past, Eyes Future

Coma Town Historian Quits Post And Creates Town ‘Futurist’ Position

By: Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not and Alcoholic

Jeff Smithery, longtime member of the Coma Shirtless Town Council and Town Historian, resigned his historian post due to the town’s “depressing” history.

“Our past can basically be summed up as a series of bans on things,” Jeff told the Shirtless Town Council during his regularly scheduled testimony at Monday’s meeting. “Anyway, most of our history blew up in the landmine fiasco. So long story short, I’ve decided to quit my post.”

Jeff’s surprise announcement, which left some council members speechless and others slumbering, came a day after Mayor Dave’s official proclamation that “History is largely dangerous and sad.”

The mayor urged their fellow Coma residents to “forget what happened and look to what possibly might occur in the future”.

The public clearly agrees.

Coma shut-in and community activist leader Marlee Bumgartner said in a phone interview that “looking back is just depressing.”

“I live in the here and now–and by that I mean living virtually, on the internet, while sitting on my couch. The only thing that worries me about the here and now is all this twerking going out there. Obviously thats something to do in the privacy of my bathroom.”
Coma Sheriff Paul T. Fronstib III agreed with the historian and shut-in on the meaningless of history in a place as forward leaning as Coma.

“The only past we should really look at is something that could take us Back to the future,” Fronstib said, while reclining in his office chair. “So we are going forward while looking back and in a Delorian. This all makes a lot more sense if you’re on the YouTube.”
Sources who requested anonymity said there are more reasons than “the past” for Jeff’s historical departure but for now it looks to be something we will only understand in the future.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>