When I Said Rethink Medicine I Didn’t Mean Leeching‏

The opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Coma News Daily.

by Natalie Peters, Coma Town Councilperson, Opinions expressed are correct
It has come to my attention that Dr. Jimmy, a Coma physician, believes there’s a future in “Mid-evil” medicine, as I like to call it.

Is that what we do in the future? Look back at the past? Does this make any sense?


And please, spare me the false equivalency of mentioning the popularity of ancient Chinese, Native American and aboriginal healing. Those are totally different.

What barbarities in medieval times could compete with the advanced science of chemical face peels, stomach staples, or firing lasers into our eyeballs?

How people lived with wrinkled faces, ugly glasses or excess body fat back in those days we will never have to know because of the wonders of modern medicine.


Okay, maybe they did have Fairy Godmothers back then and Mel Gibson as Braveheart.

Although, it was probably better that Braveheart died because I’m not sure what his quality of life would have been like if doctors had saved him after those torture injuries.

The most important question in all of this is what about the animals?

Do those leeches really want to suck disgusting sick people blood? Has anyone asked them how they feel about their role in medicine? Who will speak for the leeches? And what do leeches cure? Can they treat cancer? Can they remove fat?

Granted, I felt that modern medicine had failed me when Dr. Jimmy told me recently during my annual physical that I was “heavy” for a  person my age and that I “need to lose a few pounds.”

But when I punched a hole in his exam room wall and yelled “You need to rethink medicine” I didn’t mean leeches.

So, now that Coma’s only physician has gone medieval on this town, we need to ask “Who will speak for the leeches?”

I will.

I will speak for medicine. I will speak for the leeches. And I will make sure that we keep our eyes on what’s important. Because we can see better with LASIK.

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