Tag: predictions

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games- Week 6

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Week 6

Last Week- 3 – 1

Season- 8 – 8

I’m Jabba The Hutt.  You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films.  But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the Fall watching football and eating 100 Grand candy bars.

Progress! For those of you have have written to me to ask about my on-going litigation with the Pizza Hut pizza company, this was a big week for me.  I drafted a very strong, yet professional letter to the manager of my local Pizza Hut as I continue to implore them to change their name to avoid further postal service confusion.  I have included a copy of the letter at the end of this article for your review.  I think this very frustrating chapter of my life may finally be coming to a close (fingers crossed!).

Speaking of coming to a close (“What’s that? Jabba The Hutt can seamlessly seque from one topic to another? But, he’s just some bloated, globular creature without a brain!!” Wrong! I’m a complex, happy-go-lucky dude who is just a comfortable playing World of Warcraft until 4 a.m. as I am playing Call of Duty on the xBox until 2:30 in the morning)…wait.  I forgot where I was.

Oh! Yes.  Speaking of coming to a close, Jabba is now .500 on his picks for the season.  This is turning into a really great week for me.

Here are your sure-fire picks of the week…

Pittsburgh Steelers at Miami Dolphins

The game against Philadelphia seems to be a distant memory at this point as the Steelers continue to look like the Super Bowl contender we expected at the start of the season.  Miami, on the other hand, continues to be a mess.  The dynamic Pittsburgh offense gets in the end zone early and often in this contest as Jabba is going with the road team for the big win.

PITTSBURGH 30 MIAMI 13

San Francisco 49ers at Buffalo Bills

The 49ers made a very unsurprising move this week by naming Colin Kaepernick the starter for this week’s game against the suddenly hot Buffalo Bills.  Kaepernick would seem to be the perfect quarterback for Chip Kelly’s offense, but so many questions remain.  Like, how do you spell Kaepernick? Ha ha ha, ho ho ho.  “What is this? Jabba has a sense of humor?” Yes! I love to laugh.  I actually own the entire library of Law & Order TV shows, including all the spin-offs.  So…I like Buffalo to continue their hot streak and win at home.

BUFFALO 27 SAN FRANCISCO 17

Atlanta Falcons at Seattle Seahawks

Two really good teams.  Offense versus defense.  Loud stadium.  Mentor versus protege.  Dan Quinn, in his second year as Falcons’ coach is building something special in Atlanta.  Just like his former boss, the guy who coaches the Seahawks, has built in Seattle.  I’m still concerned with Seattle’s offense and their ability to be consistently effective.  I like Atlanta to finish their brutal two-game road trip with a win over the Seahawks.

ATLANTA 20 SEATTLE 16

Dallas Cowboys at Green Bay Packers

This will be the Cowboys’ first trip to Lambeau Field since the infamous “no-catch” call in the playoffs a couple years ago.  While Green Bay has struggled to get their offense humming this season, their defense has been solid. Same with the Cowboys.  The difference in this game will be Aaron Rodgers versus the (impressive) rookie Dak Prescott.  Rodgers will make just enough plays to help the Packers pull this game out on a late field goal.

GREEN BAY 24 DALLAS 22

And now, for those of you who have been following by battle with Pizza Hut pizza company, I wanted to share with you the strongly-worded letter I sent to Pizza Hut pizza company this week.  I think this give you an idea of what I’ve been dealing with.

 

Ms. Bambi Guererro

Manager

Pizza Hut Pizza Company Chain

21342 Saint Andrews Blvd. #250

Boca Raton, FL 33433

 

Dear Pizza Hut Person,

I am writing you a letter because I’m getting pretty angry about the fact that the United States Postal Service continues to mix up our mail.  I get a shit-ton of your mail each week and I’m guessing you get a lot of mine. LOL!

By the way, are you a girl or a boy? You’re name is Bambi, which seems like a girl’s name, but in the movie “Bambi”, Bambi was a boy.  I guess it doesn’t really matter, just curious.  Jabba’s getting off track! Ha ha ha ho ho ho!

This mail mix up may not be a big deal to you, but it is to me.  I recently missed an important invoice from a vendor, which made me late on my payment.  Now I have to pay for all merchandise up front! 

I would like to suggest you consider changing the name of your business.  I would change my name, but my legal, birth-given name is Jabba The Hutt.  Seems odd I would have to make that kind of sacrifice as I am a real-life person and you are a company.

To help you with this process, I’ve included some suggestions below.  At this point, we’re just spit-balling some ideas.  I’m sure your fancy marketing people can workshop these a bit to fine tune them.  It’s just a jumping off point, but I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by what you see…

– Pizza House

-The Pizza House

-Pizza Garage (a personal favorite of mine)

-Pizza Tub

-Pizza Fort

-Fort Pizza (kind of a ‘switch-em-up’ on the last one)

-The Pizza Club

-Business That Sells Pizza

-Small Grass Dwelling Pizza Place (maintains essence of “hut”)

-Pizza Office

– Boba’s Pizza Palace (let that asshole deal with some of the mail issues I’ve been living with! LOL!!)

Again, these are just suggestions.  Any name change will do as long as you remove the word “Hut” from yourname.  I appreciate you taking this into consideration and wait patiently for your reply.  

Regards,

Jabba The Hutt

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games- Week 5

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Week 5

Last Week- 2 – 2

Season- 5 – 7

I’m Jabba The Hutt.  You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films.  But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the Fall watching football and eating deep fried calamari.

I have received a lot of emails this week from readers who expressed empathy regarding my traumatic experience in the Chili’s restroom a couple weeks ago.  Apparently I’m not the only person who has found himself in such a predicament.  One reader told me of a website/petition designed to bring attention to this matter and force Chili’s to double the size of their restrooms.  If you’re interested in supporting this worthwhile effort, please visit http://www.myassgotstuckinachilisbathroomformultipledayspleaseexpandthesizeofyourrestroomsasap.com.

“What?! Jabba The Hutt is an activist who cares about his community so much he took the time to paste a link into his weekly column?” Yes, he did.  I’m not all about illegal and illicit activities.  I’m just a completely normal dude who is as comfortable eating Kit Kat candy bars and watching “Dancing With The Stars” as he is drinking a Fanta soda and eating nachos while eating Spaghetti Carbonara.  Get over it.

Here are your sure-fire picks of the week…

Chicago Bears at Indianapolis Colts

Neither team is off to the start they were hoping for but you get a good quarterback playing at home against a porous defense, you know I’m going to jump all over that action.  Andrew Luck is going to throw for 300+ yards and three touchdowns as the Colts roll against what may arguably be the worst team in the NFL this season.

INDIANAPOLIS 30 CHICAGO 16

I had some guests over to watch the NFL football games at my palace last week.  I felt a little unprepared to host company but still wanted to do the right thing and provide refreshments for my guests.  I set out a plate of Oreo cookies.  Okay, no problem there.  But, for some reason that I can’t explain, when a guest commented on the cookies, I told him they were homemade.  Soon, everyone at the party was raving about my homemade Oreo cookies.  I felt kind of bad about it.  Now, everyone wants the recipe.  If you have a good recipe for homemade Oreo cookies, please send it to me.

New England Patriots at Cleveland Browns

The Patriots managed to survive the Brady-less start to the season by compiling a 3 – 1 record.  And now, one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL returns.  On the road.  In Cleveland.  With a chip on his shoulder. Brady will play the rest of the season like he has something to prove.  I pity the Browns this week.

NEW ENGLAND 34 THE CLEVE 17

Also during last week’s viewing party at my palace, a guest approached me during the afternoon games and told me they had a headache.  I retrieved some Ibuprofen and gave them a couple.  I told them to take them to relieve the headache.  They asked me if it would work.  For some unexplained reason I told them “they should work, I made that batch myself.” Sure enough, by the end of the day, everyone at the party was asking about my homemade Ibuprofen.  I’m not sure why I felt a compulsion to lie about this.  Again, if you happen to have an old family recipe lying around for Ibuprofen, please send it my way.

Atlanta Falcons at Denver Broncos

The league’s hottest offense faces the league’s toughest defense.  As much as people enjoy high-flying offense and think it is somehow the key to winning, the defending Super Bowl champions know otherwise.  Defense trumps offense almost every time.  This will be no different.  Denver’s offense might not be much to write about, but their high-pressure defense will give Matt Ryan fits all day as Denver moves to 5 – 0.

DENVER 22 ATLANTA 20

I’m not sure why I sometimes feel the need to lie to people about my accomplishments.  My therapist says it’s a result of an overwhelming need to be liked and impress people.  “What’s that?! Jabba The Hutt has insecurities about being liked? But I thought he was just a large, blob-like creature who fed his enemies to his pet sarlacc at the Great Pit of Carkoon?” Wrong! Well, technically, that last part is correct.  But most of the time, I’m just this fun, spontaneous, normal guy who likes trying on gloves at the mall or getting Slurpees on a hot summer day and hanging at Radio Shack for an afternoon.

But the worst part about last week’s NFL viewing party came during the Sunday night game.  Several guests commented on the quality of my giant 90″ HD TV and how they didn’t recall seeing such a clear, vivid image before.  For some reason that I still don’t understand, I mentioned that I made the TV myself.  From scratch.  From some odds and ends lying around my palace.  It’s all people could talk about the rest of the evening.  How impressed they were at Jabba’s homemade HD TV.  A few of them asked me if I could make one for them.  So, if you have instructions on how to make a 90″ HD TV from scrap material that might be found at a large palace, please email to me.

And now for my final pick of the week…

San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders

Don’t look now but the Oakland Raiders appear to be serious playoff contenders.  Not that this is a big surprise as many experts picked the Raiders as a team to watch this season.  Their young core of players on both sides of the ball are living up to expectations.  San Diego continues to find ways to lose.  This game will not be any different.  The home team wins and the Raiders will find themselves at 4 – 1 after five weeks.

OAKLAND 38 SAN DIEGO 34

 

 

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games- Week 4

Jabba The Hutt Predicts Football Games Week 4

Last Week- 2 – 2

Season- 3 – 5

I’m Jabba The Hutt.  You may know me best for my appearance in several Star Wars Movies films.  But my friends know me as basically a chilled-out dude who enjoys spending a Sunday in the Fall watching football and eating chicken wings.

People have asked “why no picks last week Jabba the Hutt?” Well, Jabba was “indisposed”.  I’d like to leave it at that for now.  The only other thing I will add is the federal government should really look into the regulations and codes regarding proper sizing of Chili’s Restaurant’s restrooms, urinals and doors.  But I’m not going to say anything else.  I’m just glad to be back.

Here are your sure-fire picks of the week…

Oakland Raiders at Baltimore Ravens

Both teams are off to better-than-expected starts this season.  Because Baltimore is at home and because west-coast teams seem to struggle with 10 a.m. east coast start times, I’m going with the home team.  Joe Flacco is my boy.  We once spent a crazy weekend together (along with R2-D2) in Cabo.  Flacco can drink!

“Oh but wait! Jabba the Hutt enjoys vacationing in exotic North American resort destinations like regular people?”

Yes, he does! You know why? Cause I’m completely and totally just a regular dude.  I’m cool chilling with a box of Cheez-Its and Mountain Dew or going to the beach and eating Cheetos and drinking Sprite.  I’m just a normal dude.

BALTIMORE 22  OAKLAND 21

Kansas City Chiefs at Pittsburgh Steelers

Here we go.  The season is early but already Jabba suspects this game could have playoff implications down the road.  Pittsburgh is going to try to bounce back after a poor showing in Philadelphia.  But did you know, the Steelers are 47-0 coming off a loss on the road to NFC opponents since 1985? I like the Steelers here.  Big game for Big Ben and company.

Who decides how large public restrooms in a Chili’s should be?  Is that the health inspector?  Civil engineers? The mayor? You’d think they would consider how easy it is to potentially be pinned inside and unable to turn around to the face the door.  I mean, don’t you think that would be a natural thing to consider when building it?  Like, “Hmmm…let me see…I can walk in, but what if I couldn’t turn around and can’t walk out because I cannot access the door knob?” That could be a problem, don’t you think? It has to happen more than what is reported in the news.

PITTSBURGH 34 KANSAS CITY 24

Dallas Cowboys at San Francisco 49ers

Remember when this game would have been a huge showdown of NFC-title contenders? Me either! Hahaha all over the place.  Jabba is not above making witty comments for a few cheap laughs.  “What?! Jabba likes to make jokes sometimes and isn’t always serious and only interested in having his hired henchmen track down deadbeat smugglers all over the galaxy?” Yes, douche bag.  I do like to make funny remarks sometimes.

I think this game is closer than many expect.  I’m going with the home team here although Dallas looked good last week and San Francisco looked terrible.  But this is the NFL.

SAN FRANCISCO 26 DALLAS 18

You would think they would build in some emergency supplies in Chili’s bathrooms.  Right?  How hard would it be to stock a small cabinet with some Doritos, string cheese or even some cottage cheese for crying out loud?  One thing I learned from my little ordeal last week is this; an average Hutt can live at least three days and 14 hours stuck in a Chili’s restroom.  What I don’t know and am glad I didn’t have to learn is whether a Hutt can survive 3 days and 15 hours.  Time for my final pick of the week.

New York Giants at Minnesota Vikings

A person could argue that through the first three games of the season, Minnesota has played as well as anyone in the league.  They are my early season pick to make it to the Super Bowl.  And considering they already have wins over Green Bay and Carolina, tie-breakers for home-field advantage are falling into place nicely for the Vikings.  Even after losing their quarterback and pro-bowl running back, the Vikings are rolling right along.  They keep rolling in week 4.

MINNESOTA 27 NEW YORK GIANTS 17