Tag: mystery

How To Take Selfless-ies : An LOL Mystery

by Marybell Davis, columnist, Snapchatter, Private Dick (which is so gross)

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell how’s your job search coming?
Marybell: Not now, Daddy. I need to tweet about how everyone needs to join Habitat for Humanity.
Daddy Warbucks: I thought you quit after you realized you didn’t know how to use a hammer.
Marybell: Shhh, Daddy. I need to concentrate. Tweeting is hard work.

Being selfless is so weird. Like, why would you want to? The invention of Snapchat, Pinterest and Twitter–and a hundred years ago, YouTube and Facebook–showed us all how important each of our opinions are and how we feel at every, single minute is super-important. What’s a lot less shareable is what we do, so why would anyone do something selfless? I mean, it sounds nice, but if you can’t share it, did it even happen?

You know what’s also weird? Homelessness.


Recently my friend, Hope, said that maybe since I have so much time– because I can’t find a job that will pay me what I’m worth–maybe I should volunteer.
“What does that even mean,” I said.
“Well, some people are homeless,” Hope said. “And they need us to volunteer and help them.”
“How do you that?” I asked.
“No, not me,” she said. “I’m totally wiped taking graduate school classes in Library Science but maybe you should,” Hope said.

So, I decided to volunteer because maybe people will hire me as a private dick if they know I care about things like hammers and houses. At least it’s not spending time with people with cancer, which is so gross. It’s just building a house. Plus when I tweeted about it people were really proud of me.

So I went. And I tried to hammer a nail three times and it just didn’t work. I asked the manager if I could volunteer for something else because the hammer was really difficult and probably broken.

“Maybe I could volunteer with social media, you know, something that would let me look attractive and sound compassionate?” I said.

“No, we just build houses,” mean manager-guy said. “Maybe you can do drywall?”

I finally got it.

Mystery solved: Some people are just A LOT better talking about doing stuff on social media than actually doing something. Know who you are and don’t be selfish about sharing it.

What is Solitude?: An LOL Mystery

The following is blog by a Coma resident excerpted as a community service by Coma New Daily.


By Marybell Davis, 27 years old, Amazing life lived, Awesome blogger of Awesome Things and Coma’s own Private Dick (gross)

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell why don’t you turn off your phone, go out and at least think about what kind of job you could get?
Marybell: Not now Daddy I need to tweet out my new hairstyle and ask all my social media friends, who I’ve never met, what they think about it.

Seriously? Think about something? Alone?
Solitude is a mystery. Mainly because why would anyone want it. Just like in the olden days before microwaves (gross) where people had to cook things for hours, there’s no longer any need to ever be by yourself. Technology has given us access to constant unknown friends at our fingertips to tell us whether that feeling we have makes sense, or even better, what feeling or opinion we should have.

I recently took a survey on Facebook on the best name for me. It turns out that based on my friends and my love of clothes I should be Erica and not Marybell. If I had solitude and no access to a survey that I could take and share with my friends on Facebook (all of them agreed I should be Erica) then how would I know that I have the wrong name?


There are people who like solitude. Some people may have heard of Bob Dylan or Thomas Jefferson and apparently they did some big things without access to Twitter and Vine’s of a cute dog or a Snapchat that make fun of a politician’s hair. It’s true that they’re so old that they’re from the time before microwaves.

I remember when I saw the old women who hang out with their screaming children at the Blair Witch Walking Park here in town, which should be renamed the Blair Witch Screaming Park, and they remember what it was like before microwaves and the internet. I remember hearing one asking the other “Do you remember just silence?” While her kids ran screaming around her.
And the one was like “yeah,” like it was a wish.
But they are fat and gross.
So if that’s what solitude looks like then this girls’ gonna keep on sending out hot selfies on the internet to strangers.

The mystery is that people don’t need solitude to create or think about things for themselves. All they need is a collective of people they don’t know telling them exactly what is good and what isn’t.

And that’s the mystery of solitude. From now on you can call me Erica Davis.

An LOL Mystery: Why Are People Better on The Internet?

Editors’ note: The following is a blog excerpt of a local resident presented as a community service of Coma News.
By Marybell Davis, 26 years old, amazing life lived, awesome blogger of awesome things
Daddy Warbucks: Did you solve the mystery of your unemployment?
Me: I didn’t, Daddy but I did sole the mystery of why people are better on the Internet.People usually look great on the Internet, sound funny and say amazing things–like a friend of mine. Jay makes lots of jokes and sounds happy all the time online. In real life he dresses in all black and talks about eating kittens for breakfast.So what happens between when John tweets a funny joke and when I see him later burning bugs with a lighter while smoking (so. gross.)?This detective used some intense surveillance to find out what happens.

You’d be surprised how many people leave their curtains open at night (just because you can’t see out in the darkness doesn’t mean people outside can’t see in).

First, his room is disgusting. Second, Jay spends a lot of time hanging out in his boxers (would get zero likes on Facebook).

When he first gets up he walks to the mirror, flexes, combs his hair, looks at his smartphone, and starts typing. He posts something funny about being a sex god (90 favorites on twitter).Then he slaps himself back and forth on the face multiple times and puts on his dumb all black outfit.
Posts a close up selfie posed in a way you can’t tell he’s only in his underwear along with this, “Tickets must be cheap for the struggle bus today because a lot of people are riding it” (850 favorites on Twitter).
He then posts a pic of a puppy (4k favorites on Twitter and 10k Likes on Facebook).
He smokes a joint, plays a video game, opens an account on Grindr, and then posts an inspirational quote from a Tibetan spiritual leader (1k likes on Facebook and 25 re-tweets on Twitter).
Finally, he leaves his room and I crawl out from his bushes (gross) to go home and shower.

Where in the World Cup: an LOL Detective Mystery

The following is one in a series of intermittent excerpts from Coma residents’ blogs published by Coma News as a community service.


Marybell Davis, 25 years old, Amazing life lived, Awesome blogger of Awesome things


My dad doesn’t understand how hard it is to start a business. It takes time. You have to build a reputation. That’s why I just solved my biggest mystery yet: the history of World Cup geography.

People have been asking “Where is Ghana?” “Where is the Netherlands?” “What is a North Korea?”


Imagine we’re at a bar and my beautiful Kate Spade clutch is flanked by a ketchup bottle, vinegar (gross), a knife and a fork. Basically, my amazing embroidered clutch (America) is surrounded on all sides by sticky bar condiments (the world).

Where is North Korea? It’s west of America. Where is Ghana? It’s south of America. Where is England? Its east of America and the vinegar bottle (which they actually put on food).

Is South America south of America? Yes, but Africa also is south of America. Where is North Korea? Trick question: They don’t play soccer!

Now you understand the geography of the World Cup.

Daddy: Get a job, Marybell.
Me: No worries, Daddy. I’m a private dick (still gross). And I am a geography master.

Mystery Solved: How to Stay Married



by Marybell Davis


25 years old, awesome blogger of awesome things, all mysteries SOLVED

As Coma’s only private detective, the biggest mystery I could ever solve is how people stay married for ‘as long as they both shall live.’

This weekend My Internet friend Kanye and his amazing Kim (double K wedding) got married so I wanted to solve a mystery for them: How to stay married.

After doing a lot of Internet research I saw that most people don’t stay married. There seems to be lots of reasons why this happens including people getting too fat for their pants, Danielle Steele novels, and excessive farting. But the real marriage killer seems like stress–from raising kids, paying bills and endless commutes. I don’t know about any of these things but I might know something about stress if I think about it hard enough. (thought complete)

Since I have almost no stress. I realized  ‘Marybell, you have solved the mystery of stress.’

How did this private dick (ew) stop the Big Bad Stress Monster? Three easy-to-follow steps:

1) Sleep. I never get up before 10 and usually not before noon.

2) Eat. I can overcome almost any blues with enough ice cream (usually in bed).

3) Avoid. Stay away from anyone you have arguments with. Like sometimes I don’t talk to my Dad for almost a week (unless I need money–stress!)

S-E-A, see? Mystery solved.

Angry Daddy: did you get money for solving this mystery Marybell?

Me: No, but I saved everyone’s marriage, including Kim and Kanye.


I solved the cigarette mystery last week and now it's on to solving all the marriage mysteries!

I solved the cigarette mystery last week and now it’s on to solving all the marriage mysteries!

Opinion: I Went to School with Billy Joel

Opinion: Went to School with Billy Joel But Not Sure if he is the Famous One

Stan Bargmeyer

I went to high school with a guy named Billy Joel but I’m not certain if he is Billy Joel the famous singer and songwriter. I’ve asked some friends and most of them say it probably isn’t the same Billy Joel who had commercial success in the 1970s and 1980s with hit songs like “The Man Who Plays the Piano” and “Thriller.”

How likely is it that there would be two people with the exact same name?

billy joel hs

Even after looking at my old high school yearbook, I can’t tell if the Billy Joel I went to high school with (left) is the same one who made a lot of successful music (right)

The Billy Joel I knew from high school didn’t graduate. He was into small engine repair and I heard he got a job at a lawnmower repair shop a few years after high school.  He liked to party and had a big Rottweiler dog who once peed on the tire of my car.

Billy Joel just laughed and told me that dogs like to piss on car tires.

I’ve never seen pictures of the famous Billy Joel with a Rottweiler but that doesn’t mean he didn’t own one at one time. I’ve also not seen anything about the singer Billy Joel regarding a passion for re-building small engines and juicing-up lawnmowers. But again, that’s not proof that it’s not the same guy I went to high school with.

The Billy Joel I knew had four or five children with several different women. I also know that when he was 30 he suffered some severe burns on his face after throwing a gas can into a bonfire. Again, when I ask people if they know if the famous Billy Joel had these things happen to him, they will say no or they aren’t sure.  It is frustrating because it makes me feel like there is a chance it is the same Billy Joel.

I don’t remember my Billy Joel singing songs or writing music, but maybe he liked to keep that private and only do it on the radio or in front of thousands of people.

After more than 25 years of research, I don’t know if the Billy Joel I went to high school with is the same one that wrote the song “We Don’t Start Fires.”

I think it’s suspicious that he wrote a song about fire and the Billy Joel I know had most of his face burned off.

Is that just a coincidence?  Or was the song autobiographical?

Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern

Man Claims He Was Chased By Headless Horseman, Sort Of

Coma resident, Malcolm Donahue, claimed Wednesday that he was chased through the night by a headless horseman this week.  Kind of.

“It was terrifying at first,” Donahue said.  “Seeing this large, headless figure running in my general direction wielding a medieval-looking ax was really disconcerting.”

Donahue was walking his dog, Spanish Joe, through the Burke-Perkins trail when he heard a rustling in nearby bushes.  Shortly after, Donahue claims a large, headless figure emerged from the woods and took off after him.

“I just turned and ran as fast as I could,” Donahue said.  “After a while I thought I should go back for Spanish Joe.  That’s when I saw the headless ghost dude again.”

According to Donahue, the headless horseman appeared to be chasing him, but could not effectively navigate the trail.

“He just isn’t a good chaser,” Donahue said.  “I mean, he’s really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad at chasing people around in the woods.”

Donahue theorized the fact the ghost-like creature lacked a head, and therefore had no eyes or vision, greatly reduced his ability to pursue victims.  Donahue said the creature repeatedly ran into fallen trees, branches, boulders and bushes.

“At one point, I kind of felt sorry for him,” Donahue said.  “I mean, it can’t be easy trying to chase people around with a battle axe and not being able to see who you’re chasing.  Think about it.”

Donahue, who successfully retrieved his Cocker-Spaniel, Spanish Joe, said he has no plans of staying away from the trail, despite the fact he now believes it is haunted by a headless horseman.

“Short of being locked in a closet with that dude, I don’t think he poses much of a threat,” Donahue said.  “He can’t see or hear, so that really minimizes his ability as a predator.”