Tag: micah horncraft

Bigfoot Seen “Poking Around” Cereal Aisle at Local Grocer

by Coma News Staff

Several eyewitnesses observed a large, simian-like creature “poking around” the cereal aisle of Sweet Ray’s Grocery store on Monday afternoon.

According to police reports, the hairy, bipedal humanoid rummaged through a variety of cereal boxes before checking out a Nutella end-cap display and then exiting the store empty handed.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Dee Collins, one of several eyewitnesses, said. “You don’t expect to see that kind of thing at a grocery store.”

The unidentified creature spent nearly ten minutes carefully examining the nutrition facts on at least a dozen boxes of breakfast cereal. After appearing to settle on a box of Cranberry Almond Crunch, the creature picked up a box of Lucky Charms.

“I am the same way,” Collins told reporters. “I try to make the healthy choice but damn, those sugary cereals are so good!”


ABOVE: Artist sketch of what witnesses say was a large ape-like creature loitering in the cereal section of a local grocery store this week

According to local cryptozoologist Micah Horncraft, it should not be a surprise that a bigfoot creature would seek a healthy, nutritious breakfast option from a local grocer.

“When you consider the fact that bigfoot’s diet consists primarily of berries, nuts and grains, it makes sense he would seek out breakfast cereal,” Horncraft said. “I mean, it’s not like he’s going to make waffles or anything. Am I right?”

Collins said the creature seemed to “give up” after studying a box of Rice Krispies Treats Cereal. Afterwards, the large beast “sheepishly shuffled” down the aisle until a Nutella display appeared to catch his eye.

“He picked up a jar and smelled it and shook it next to his ear as if he might hear something,” Collins said. “I thought he was going to try to shoplift it but he kind of patted his thighs and hips and must have realized he didn’t have any pockets.”

Store manager Brian Frazier told reporters the store has a strict no-loitering policy and that their staff would be more diligent in the future in managing that policy.

“He must have sort of slipped through,” Frazier said. “It happens. One time we had a horse in the produce section for almost an hour before anyone noticed. Shit happens more often than you think.”

The mysterious creature reportedly left the store and has not been seen since Monday afternoon. This incident is one of an increasing number of bigfoot sightings in the community since 2013.

The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: Do you think people hundreds of years from now will still be talking about animal rights?

A: I don’t know. It’s possible.

Q: I’m worried cursive writing will be completely extinct in several thousand years. Like, I’m really, really concerned about this. I’ve spent a lot of time writing in this style. Should I be concerned?

A: Yes. It will likely be completely obsolete as a writing style within your lifetime (assuming you’re not over the age of 80 or 85)

Q: Do you think there will be any cool advances in candy bar technology in the next 50 years? I can’t wait to see if there is going to be some super cool new kind of PayDay bar or KitKat! I’m really jacked about candy bar evolution!!

A: There will probably be some advancements. But I have no idea what those would be. Maybe chewier? I’m not sure.

The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: What time will it be at this precise moment on this day in the year 2350?

A: 11:56 a.m. EST

Q: I like cake. A lot! Should I be worried that cake will somehow be extinct in the next 300 – 500 years?

A: Cake is expected to last into the foreseeable future. It may be very different from the cake you enjoy now, however. But if you have an open mind, enjoy root-based vegetables and can adequately digest some types of animal bones, you should be able to continue to enjoy cake for years to come.

Q: Will there ever be a professional hockey player named Lucas Shinewall? I think that would be a cool name for a hockey player.

A: Maybe.

The Future Minute

By Micah Horncraft, Director of Coma Futurist Society

Every week, Micah Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and renowned futurist will answer questions regarding future trends and the impact the future will have on society. See this week’s questions and answers below.

Q: What’s the deal with shoes? Will we still need them in the future?

A: Maybe.


Q: Are guitars still going to be a thing in the future? Or will humans find other ways to perform music?

A: I don’t know but that’s a really good question.


Q: How many years do you think it will take until humans can breathe under water?

A: About 229. Give or take a few years either way. But some of us will be long-dead by that time.

Another Bigfoot Sighting Leaves City Leaders Baffled

By Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson called a special meeting of the Town Council this week after the second Corporate Bigfoot sighting in a month left businessmen in the community baffled and concerned.

According to at least two eyewitnesses, the most recent sighting occurred at Dahl’s Menswear late last week, where the suspected cryptozoological creature was seen trying on jackets, pants and a selection of ties. Eventually, the creature grew frustrated when the store manager, Isaac Best, was unable to find appropriate-sized shoes.

corporate bigfoot 3

Above: Artist sketch of what witnesses claim is a Bigfoot that recently tried on several blazers and sportscoats at Dahl’s Menswear in Coma

“We are looking into this matter and consider it a top priority,” Anderson said. “At this point, we don’t know if we are dealing with one bigfoot or two bigfoot.  Wait, would it be Bigfeet if there were more than one? That sounds right but I’m going to have to have somebody look into that.”

Local cryptozoology expert, futurist and mortuary owner, Micah Horncraft, said that while it is unusual for the creature to enter men’s clothing stores and try on a variety of outfits, it is not unheard of. Usually, Horncraft said, the animals simply are looking for great deals on menswear.

“Corporate Bigfoot are not much different than your typical business professional,” Horncraft said. “Besides lacking any human language skills or education and suffering frequent fecal saturation, they still want to look sharp for the next meeting or important luncheon.”

Mayor Anderson said he hopes the Town Council will agree to create a special committee to look into the details of the shopping spree.

Opinion: Stop Putting Labels On Me

by Micah Horncraft

I’d like to ask that starting today, my friends, family and even strangers begin referring to me as Dragon Master X. For some time now I’ve been working on cultivating a “brand” if you will. This has been a painstaking process but one that has been worthwhile. It’s time to take the next step.

People that know me understand that if we were living in some alternate fantasy world where dragons, elves and giant trolls lived amongst us, I would definitely be some sort of legendary dragon slayer. It is only proper that my name reflect the fortitude, courage and sword-skills I would undoubtedly possess in Lystero, which is what my kingdom would definitely be called. You know it would.

What bothers me is that sometimes people act like I would NOT be some awesome warrior who slayed dragons and restored freedom to the many territories and fiefdoms across the land. It’s as if those people have never met me.

I challenge anyone to find even ONE characteristic that suggests I wouldn’t be able to wield Fangar, the mighty sword of Beckenhollar, forged in the blood of one-hundred kings. Or find some evidence that I wouldn’t be able to mount a dragon through a hail of fire and ash and drive my blade through its thick and rugged flesh.

micah the athlete

Dragon Master X (formerly Micah Horncraft), challenges anyone to demonstrate he would NOT be a bad-ass dragon slayer

When I introduce myself as Dragon Master X, people will be like “of course, that name suits him so well.”

When I tell people they can call me Dragon Master X, or Dragon Master for short, they will nod and say “that’s exactly the name I would of guessed for you.”

I understand that there may be some transition involved. People who have known me for years by my mortal name, Micah, will likely have to break old habits. I accept this will not change overnight. I’m a patient man, as any lord of dragon slaying would be. Please know when I correct you, it is not done out of frustration or anger, but simply as a way to help you understand the new reality.

That being said, if in like six months you are still calling me Micah, I’m going to be irritated and may even walk off in a huff. I’m sure it won’t get to that point though.

For those of you who are still unsure about my new name, I’d like you to try something; close your eyes, clear your mind and then say to yourself the words Dragon Master X.  Whose image pops into your head?

I rest my case.

Thank you for your understanding.


Dragon Master X

Still Counting: Local Scientists Think Numbers May Go On For “Really Long Time”

By Coma News Staff

Scientists in Coma announced this week that while their research is not yet complete, early results suggest numbers go on for even longer than they initially believed.

“We’re all a little shocked by what the data is suggesting,” Dr. Jimmy, who heads up the research team, said. “In theory, it would appear that number can just keep going for a really, really, really long time. But it’s still early.”

The research project began last month and is being funded, in part, by the Coma Futurist Society in an effort to better understand numbers and their limitations.


Researchers have been working in shifts and logging numbers into a spreadsheet in sequential order starting at the number one.

“It’s been a very trying research project,” Micah Horncraft said.  Horncraft, who heads the Futurist Society, has been volunteering on the project for the past two weeks. “It’s a lot of typing. My fingers got sore. But there’s just so many numbers.  You got one, two, three, four, five…and a bunch more.”

02 19 2016 number publish 2

Micah Horncraft holds one of the many numbers scientists have been counting since January. “There’s lots of them,” Horncraft told reporters this week.

According to Dr. Jimmy, based on preliminary results, it is theoretically possible that number just continue without ever stopping.  Dr. Jimmy said such a discovery could revolutionize math and probably some other things as well.

“So far, we’ve counted up to nearly eight thousand,” Dr. Jimmy said. “It seems like we can just keep going and going.  But we’ll see.  Maybe there will be a surprise along the way and everything will just stop suddenly.”

Dr. Jimmy said the project was initially scheduled to wrap up in early March but may extend into April, depending on when they discover “the end of numbers.” Horncraft told reporters a special event will take place at the Futurist Society to announce the results of the research project.

Local Woman’s Miraculous 15-Month Pregnancy Defies Science

By Coma News Staff

In what is being described as a first-of-its-kind for medical science, Coma resident Cindy Horncraft announced this week she is entering the 15th month of her pregnancy and expects to deliver any day now in her tiny house.

“This has been a very long process and I would appreciate privacy, particularly from the medical community as I approach my delivery date,” Cindy Horncraft said. “While I understand people are curious, I think this is a case where the fewer questions, the better.”

According to her husband, Micah Horncraft, his wife discovered she was pregnant nearly eight months ago. Horncraft said at first it didn’t add up as he and his wife had not had intercourse for nearly six months at that point.

“At first I was like, ‘how can this even be possible?’”, the 33-year old head of the Coma Futurist Society and tiny house owner said. “But then my wife explained that it’s probably what is called a ‘fertility-alignment delay’, or F-A-D.”

Micah and wife couch 2014

Above- Micah and Cindy Horncraft. According to the couple, Cindy Horncraft has been pregnant for nearly 15 months and suffers from a rare disorder called Fertility Alignment Delay.

Horncraft said he was unable to find any information on fertility-alignment delay but his wife was able to provide ample information that helped put him at ease.

“She said it’s not really understood yet by science but is not uncommon for women who are only children and who sleep on their stomach,” Horncraft said. “She fits on both accounts, so, yeah, it makes sense that she would be more susceptible than other women.”

Horncraft said he was further put at ease after his close friend and neighbor, Jax Owen, confirmed some facts about FAD. Owen, a close family friend, told Horncraft “all kinds of weird stuff happens when a woman gets knocked up.”

“I think what I got with Jax was a lot of straight-talk regarding FAD,” Horncraft said. “That helped because I didn’t know anything about it but he knew a lot. Like, did you know that you can’t get FAD from a hand job? I didn’t either. But Jax knew that.”

According to Horncraft, the couple had not had sexual relations for nearly six months when his wife Cindy discovered she was pregnant.  Horncraft said the lack of sex was a result of his wife suffering from a rare condition she told him about called Prolonged Period Syndrome, or PPS, which extends a woman’s period for up to a year.

Not everyone, however, is convinced of the diagnosis.

Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, said that while medicine is constantly discovering new ailments and disorders, he has never heard of FAD and questions whether it really exists.

“There are some very basic principles in science and human physiology and it is not possible for something like this to happen to any woman, regardless of her birth order or sleeping habits. Here’s the deal; this woman was inseminated nearly nine months ago. Period.” said Dr. Jimmy.

Horncraft said that while he’s heard from many doubters regarding his wife’s 15-month pregnancy, he has no reason to doubt the claim and is excited about the birth. “We have more room for a baby in the tiny house since my wife and son have moved into a barn they built.”