Tag: Chase Donovan

Has Local Teen Discovered World’s First Map?

Local teen Chase Donovan announced this week the discovery of what he called the world’s first map.

Donavan shared the map at a press conference on Monday and said it includes ancient trade routes and a “lost continent.” The map, which measures 8.5” x 11,” resembled a standard printed sheet of copy paper.

“This looks really old,” Donovan said while holding it up for reporters. “I mean, just look at the drawing and how it’s kind of yellowish. It could be hundreds of thousands of years old.”

Critics moved quickly to point out several flaws in Donovan’s hypothesis.

“It is clearly a copy of a map that was printed from some stock photography website,” map critic Micah Horncraft said. “It includes the watermark ‘Deposit Photos’ all over it. Like why is anyone even listening to this kid?”

chase map 1

ABOVE: Donovan shows the map he claims is the world’s first.

Donovan has stood firm on his claim that the map is likely the first ever to be created. He noted how old the image looked and how the image “just looked really old.” He defended the map from its many detractors.

“They say it can’t be legit because it has the words “deposit photos” all over it,” Donovan explained. “But, how do we know deposit photos isn’t the name of some really old company that made maps? Try thinking outside the box, you know?”

Donovan said he was hoping to “get some science done” on the map to confirm conclusively, one way or the other, the actual age of the map. Donovan stated he found the map folded up near a trash can outside the school cafeteria last week.

The 17-year-old junior said he is going to start a website about the map and plans on selling it to a museum for “several million bucks, at least.”

“It would be cool to sell it to someone at a rate of like, one dollar for every year of how old it is,” Donovan said. “How many millions of dollars could that be? One hundred? More? Nobody knows.”

Critics like Horncraft said the entire ordeal is a waste of time and energy.

“I just can’t believe that someone is interviewing me about what is clearly not an old map and something that was probably printed last Wednesday and discarded by someone running late for class,” Horncraft said. “How is nobody else seeing this?”

Donovan said he is allowing local scientists to review the document this week to make a determination.


Local Teen Launches New Smart Phone App

by Coma News Staff

Coma teen and entrepreneur Chase Donovan launched his latest entry into the world of hi-tech services and solutions this week. Titled “Yeah, That’ll Fit”, Donovan’s latest venture helps people determine if the box they want to use to store stuff in will fit the items they wish to store.

Available from the app store for both Android and iOS devices, “Yeah, That’ll Fit” allows users to take a photo of a box and a photo of the items they are hoping to fit inside the box and upload them through the app. The photos are then reviewed and the app will inform the user whether those items are likely to fit inside the box.


“We’re taking the guess work out of fitting crap inside boxes,” Donovan said about his new app. “I’m hoping this app does for packing what Uber did for taxi cabs and stuff.”

While Donovan admitted there are still some bugs that need to be worked out, the application does work as intended. In some instances, the app requests additional detail such as the dimensions of the box and the total volume of the items a user is hoping to place inside it.

“It’s all a math game, bruh,” Donovan said. “It’s some simple calculations. But sometimes…man…people just have a terrible sense of spatial reasoning.”

The app already has one successful and prominent user; Mayor Dave Anderson. Anderson remarked at a recent press conference that he has used the app several times and found it to be “kind of helpful.”

“It was a little awkward at first,” Anderson admitted. “After answering a bunch of questions, the app finally suggested I just try putting everything in the box and if it fit, then I’d know the answer.”


ABOVE: A helpful tutorial walks users through the three simple steps

Donovan said he is trying “to take shit over” and plans on additional app releases in 2017.

“We’re just getting started, so…we gonna blow up,” Donovan said. “We’re going to do this bigger than Google or Amazon.”

As of this writing, “Yeah, That’ll Fit” had more than 20 downloads on the iTunes app store. The app sells for $6.99.

High School Musician Announces New Band, Album

By Coma News Staff

Coma teenager and musician Chase Donovan announced this week that his new band will be releasing an album this summer.

Donovan, who achieved some local neighborhood fame in 2015 with his band Ferret Dust and their album “Thanks For Killing Babies NSA,” said his musical interests continue to evolve, which lead to the end of Ferret Dust.

“I think Ferret Dust had its time and while I’m very happy with some of the music we put out, it was just time to move on,” Donovan said.  “Stuff like this happens.  Bands break up all the time.”

06 02 16 Chase

Musician and local bad boy Chase Donovan is excited about his new band and promises to “shake things up around here.”

Donovan’s new band is called Town Hall Meeting and includes all the original members of Ferret Dust.  The group’s debut album will be titled “Nice Knowing You Planet Earth, Too Bad You’re Dead,” and will feature 11 tracks that Donovan called “provocative and at the same time not provocative at all.”

“This is going to be a statement album,” Donovan said.  “People will hear it and they will be talking about it and it will probably change some things for the better.”

The band released a song list for the album which includes the following titles:

  • “There Used To Be A Place Called The Amazon River But It’s Gone Now”
  • “It’s Time To Give Everyone Free Money”
  • “I’m Not Going To Eat Any More Food Until Police Brutality Stops Everywhere, Seriously”
  • “Hand Me My Flip-Flops; The Planet Is Heatin’ Up”
  • “No Thank You, I’ll Eat Grass”
  • “Gunna Marry Me A Tree”
  • “Old Guys In Suits Are Bombing China As You Listen To This Song”
  • “I Want A Twenty-Five Dollar Minimum Wage”

“This album explores many of the world’s issues and provides reasonable solutions in one neat, tidy package,” Donovan said. “Compared to Ferret Dust, Town Hall Meeting has a much more refined, mature and nuanced sound.”

Donovan confirmed the band booked their first show and will play the title track to their upcoming album as part of the Coma High School Talent Show next week.  Beyond that, Donovan said the band plans to play some shows at local parks, diners and backyards all summer long to support the new album.

“Whatever happens, I just want to stay humble and focus on fixing all the world’s problems through music,” Donovan said. “I think this record will be very popular in third-world countries because they can relate to things like corporate greed, justice systems that are all whacked up and campaign finance crisis.”

Nice Knowing You Planet Earth, Too Bad You’re Dead will be available on CD via the band’s website on June 21.

Bigfoot Sighting at Pick-up Basketball Game

By Coma News Staff

A pick-up basketball game at the Coma City Park was interrupted last week after participants claimed a Sasquatch sat down near the court and indicated he “got next”.  The incident marks the third reported sighting of bigfoot in Coma this year and left witnesses shaken.

“I almost crapped myself,” Coma teen Chase Donovan said.  “Can I say ‘crapped myself’ on an internet news site?”

According to eyewitnesses, the giant, hair-covered figure emerged from a nearby restroom midway through a friendly, yet competitive, three-on-three basketball game.  After watching from afar for several minutes, Bigfoot approached a bench near the court, relaced his shoes and then sat down.

bigfoot on bench

Artist sketch of the reported bigfoot that sat on a park bench hoping to get in on a game of basketball with local teens

“He started tapping his chest and pointing to himself,” Donovan said.  “Then he pretended to shoot a basketball and dribble and kept pointing to himself.  We finally realized he was calling next game.”

According to amateur cryptozoologist, Micah Horncraft, while it is rare for Bigfoot to play recreational team sports, it is not unheard of.

“There have been accounts of Bigfoot engaging in volleyball games and even gymnastics,” Horncraft said.  “It is much more common for them to stick to their own cultural games like hit-stick-rock and leaf-on-head-leaf-tucked-in-shoe-don’t-touch-leaf.

Donovan said that he and his friends left the court following their game but watched from a distance as bigfoot sat slumped on the park bench shaking his head.

“I think he was sad that no one wanted to play with him,” Donovan said.  “But forget that.  Who wants to match up with him in the paint?”




Local Teen Petitions Town Council to Adopt “Free Money” Initiative

by Coma News Staff

Local teen Chase Donovan is spearheading what some of his teen friends are calling a “radical” campaign that would revolutionize Coma’s currency system.  Donovan calls the plan the Free Money Initiative and claims it will end poverty, hunger, and suffering for many citizens in Coma and, “maybe even the world”.

“Think about it; if money was free, people would have enough to buy whatever they needed,” Donovan said of his plan.  “People just go to a store or something and the people there ask them how much they need and you just tell them how much you need and they give it to you and you go and buy whatever you want.”

Donovan hatched the plan during Mr. Schumacher’s current events class (fourth period) last spring.  He said the idea stuck with him and made so much sense.  After sharing the idea with other teen friends, who agreed that such an idea would end poverty and child malnutrition, Donovan developed a petition designed to attract attention from city council and create a free-money store in Coma.

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ABOVE: Donovan says his plan would allow people to get money any time they wanted to buy whatever they need and it wouldn’t cost them anything

The petition has been signed by nearly two dozen citizens thus far, although Donovan admitted that all of them are underage and unable to vote.  Supporters say such a plan will ensure a bright and successful future for generations to come.


“I’d love to just have tons of money whenever I want it,” Lance Tucker, 16, said of the initiative. “You just wake up and think about what you want to do and just go to the money shop and they give you the money?  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…I’d be like ‘Yup.'”

Opponents call the plan irresponsible and cite the crushing impact it would have on an already fragile economy and currency system. “It’s pretty clear that no one in their right mind should let a teenager decide economic policy for this town.” said Jax Owen, local businessman and town council member. “Especially when that teenager never had a paying job.”

Donovan, however, said he is not deterred by such criticism.

“Think about it,” Donovan said.

While Donovan said he will continue to collect signatures for “as long as it takes,” at last count the petition was still 10,000 signatures short of the 10,000 signatures of registered voters required to force council action.

Does a Sasquatch Frequent the Coma Taco Bell?

by Coma News Daily Staff

According to Coma News Daily employee and part-time Taco Bell enthusiast Chase Donovan, a hairy ape-like creature routinely visits the Taco Bell where he eats at least once or twice each month and has been doing so for the past six months.

Donovan, who eats at the popular fast-food restaurant chain every day and sometimes twice a day over the past year, said the creature typically comes late in the evening, right before closing and has a voracious appetite.

Bigfoot Taco Bell

ABOVE: Sketch of the Sasquatch Donovan says frequents the local Taco Bell

“The first couple times he came in, I didn’t realize he was a Bigfoot because he was wearing sunglasses so it was hard to tell,” Donovan said.  “But then one time he came in and just smelled terrible.  I never smelled something that bad in my life.  That’s when I took a closer look and realized he was a big hairy ape-like creature.  Plus, he’s like seven-feet tall or something, so that was a giveaway too.”

According to Donovan, the creature usually orders enough food to feed a family of four and is hard to understand when ordering his food, relying on a series of grunts and pointing to the menu board behind the cashier.

“He likes the Cheesy Gordita Crunch and the Beefy 5-Layer Burrito,” Donovan said.  “He went completely ape-shit when we recently started selling the Loaded Potato Griller and the Beefy Nacho Griller.  He’s going to freak out and probably lose it when that promotion ends.  But it shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody because we tell people it’s only available for a limited time but people still get all butt-hurt when it goes away.”

Some of  Taco Bell employees aren’t convinced the mysterious creature is, in fact, a Sasquatch.  According to drive-thru attendant Matt McPherson, the “strange creature” is a local patron named Hank Cummings.

“Hank smokes a lot of weed and pretty much does nothing all day,” McPherson said.  “He reeks and comes down here late at night when he’s been playing World of Warcraft all day and gets the munchies big time.  That dude can eat some food!  And he’s got a lot of hair. ”

ABOVE: Hank Cummings, who some say is the person Donovan has confused for a bigfoot creature

ABOVE: Hank Cummings, who some say is the person Donovan has confused for a Bigfoot.

For now, however, Donovan is sticking to his claims that the creature is in fact a Sasquatch.  He plans on getting physical proof the next time he sees him while eating at the restaurant.


News In Brief- May 15

new brief front page

By Coma News Staff


Authorities announced this week that Gary, the fighting chicken recently involved in an attack on director Shane Darvis, will not face criminal charges.

The chicken viciously attached the director during the first all-animal rendition of the famous Greek comedy,  “Lysistrata” on April 28.

“It is a sad day for Coma when a criminal like Gary is allowed to fly free,” Darvis said from his couch where he is still recovering from multiple scratches.  “I guess he really didn’t fly free.  He walked.  Or waddled?  Strutted?”


Mayor Dave Anderson addressed local media this week in an effort to assuage concerns regarding the possibility that events from the popular film series “Lord of the Rings” could happen in Coma.

“There is no evidence that any of the stuff portrayed in those films could happen in our town,” Anderson said.  “The things in those movies took place thousands and thousands of years ago.”


After days of research and late nights, Coma teen, Chase Donovan, unveiled a highly controversial worldwide economic plan in his fourth period Current Events class this week. 

According to Donovan, the solution to world poverty and hunger is to make currency a free commodity so that people had money to purchase food, water and video games.

“Think about it, if money were free to everyone, there would be no need for people to go without money,” Donovan said.  “Just have a place where people can go and get as much as they want.”


Coma Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week that in an effort to ensure 100 percent accurate weather reports, the town would implement a new post-weather reporting system.  The system will report the weather after-the-fact to provide citizens with a 100 percent accurate weather report.

“No more guess work,” Anderson said.  “With this new system, you will know precisely what the weather was  yesterday.  It’s THAT accurate.”


The Perfect NCAA College Basketball Bracket

Chase Donovan, Coma News Intern

The first weekend of action in the popular NCAA college basketball tournament wrapped up with plenty of exciting finishes and big upsets.

As you consider filling out your bracket for this year’s tournament and a chance at $1 billion dollars (what?!), here are some tips for winning first rounds.

1. Pick North Dakota State to upset Oklahoma.  Considering that North Dakota State beat Oklahoma last Thursday in a thrilling overtime game, it would be wise to advance North Dakota State in your bracket.  But they probably won’t (and in fact, did not) advance beyond that.

2. Dayton is a tough match-up for Ohio State.  Ohio State has struggled scoring at times this season and Dayton has an explosive offense that led them to a win against the heavily-favored Buckeyes last week.  Do yourself a favor and pencil in Dayton here because they actually beat Ohio State in a game that was already played.

3. Dayton has a good chance of advancing to the Sweet 16.  Dayton already did advance to the Sweet 16, which makes this tip even more tempting.

4. I really like Mercer to beat Duke and then get hammered by Tennessee.  Duke may overlook this little-known 14 seed, which could spell trouble for the Blue Devils.  I say go with Mercer in this shocking upset that actually already happened.  But don’t get too high on Mercer.  I have a feeling they will meet Tennessee in the next round and will get steamrolled.  This prediction was even more salient yesterday when Tennessee absolutely annihilated Mercer to advance to the Sweet 16.

5. I am a big fan of Stanford.  While Stanford didn’t make a lot of noise during the regular season, I like their chances of rolling into the Sweet 16.  Why risk a perfect bracket with this tip?  Because Stanford actually won two games over the weekend and qualified for the Sweet 16.

Still not ready to buy into my advice?  Well, check out a sample of my bracket below.  You’ll notice it is still perfect: