Queries and Quislings

Queries and Quislings is an advice dispensary offered as a public service of Coma News Daily and the advice is written by Coma News Daily publisher Davis Montgomery III.

Dear Query Guy,
I am slightly overweight and feel unattractive. What is the best way for me to lose weight and look better to men? I really want a boyfriend. Actually. I really want to be married. What do I need to do to make this happen?

Dieting Is Extra Tough


Dearest DIET,
The weight loss industry is currently peddling the Paleo diet of our cave-dwelling ancestors, whose 28-year average lifespans were apparently the very picture of health. If chasing meerkats across the great plains and eating twigs holds special appeal to you, then such a dietary alignment may prove an optimum fit.
However, it appears to me that the crux of your problem is the lack of an adequate spouse. I suggest joining your local polo club to help identify the very cream of Coma’s eligible bachelors. If you lack the funds or the
Je ne sais quoi to club with the finest, locate like-minded spirits by frequenting  the local library, exercise emporium or county fair–depending on your priorities.

hit it with a hammer 1
If such a spousal odyssey sounds as tiresome to you as it does to me, I would alternately offer the favorite advice if my amazing spouse: employ a hammer. Hammering is invigorating exercise. It makes you feel better and sometimes even results in the construction of something useful. So have at that problem with a hammer!



2 comments on “Queries and Quislings

  1. Arthur MacIngram says:

    Davis Montgomery III – what’s the meaning of your ‘Queries and Quislings’ title? Do you know what the word ‘quisling’ means?

  2. Davis Montgomery III says:

    Dearest Mr. Mac, a ‘quisling’ is (for historical purposes) – a lowly and cowardly traitor who collaborates with an occupying enemy because he/she lacks the fortitude to be strong in the face of adversity.
    Hit it with a hammer, my friend!
    Sincerely, Davis Montgomery III

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