Queries and Quislings

Queries and Quislings is an advice dispensary offered as a public service of Coma News Daily and the advice is written by Coma News Daily publisher Davis Montgomery III.

Dear Query Guy,

I don’t want to die. I know that no one wants to die but I am really afraid of getting old and dying. How do I stop myself from dying? I eat right, exercise and I am considering gene therapy. I just need a solution to keep myself from growing old which will eventually lead to dying.


Fear and dying


Query Guy:

Dear FAD,
For eons mankind has floundered on the beach of immortality, which lead to a spate of tiresome vampire books and premium cable shows, as well as the entire vitamin industry.

Many approaches are available to address the fear of death and/or non-immortality.

Cryogenics is logical but is generally unaffordable for your average plebeian. Additionally, you could find your defrosted head reattached to any manner of future robotic insectoids.

Alternately, living each day as it unfurls and not succumbing to trepidations that result in missed meaningful moments with friends, family and endless indulgences may be advisable when becoming a vampire is unavailable.

Or you could just hit it with a Hammer.

hit it with a hammer front page

As my delicate flower of a spouse has oft advised occupants of our many investment properties who complain about the crumbling infrastructure of their domiciles: Hit that problem with a hammer. A hammer can fix or break anything. It can tear things apart or put them back together. But it is only as good as how vigorously you apply it to the problem.

Hit your dreary dread of death with a hammer, my dear FAD, and enjoy the many luxuries and beauties of this life!

Sincerely, QG


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