Daddy Warbucks: Have you found a job yet, Marybell?
Me: Listen Daddy, being a private dick is so hard (and so gross). Do you know how many men are private Dicks? More than we can even count. And here I am as a woman and trying to be a detective- it takes work.
Daddy Warbucks: Have you gotten paid for all this detective work, Marybell?
Me: It”s not that kind of work, Daddy. But I think I have solved another mystery: How to use my Tinder to get groceries.
Relationships are hard. They take things like talking, compromise, forgiveness, intimacy, and most of all they take time.
In the olden days of the 1990s single men would have to go to a bar, find a woman, hope the woman was single and not totally insane, sit with her for hours talking, and then hope that maybe she’d go on a date. Then after four or five dates maybe they would get intimate but that was only if a guy was lucky.
Thank goodness for the Internet revolution where a bunch of nerds from Silicone Valley, who were too introverted to even make it to a bar, figured out a fix. The solution was super simple: Make women feel so value-less (or swipeable) that they were willing to get an app with the “opportunity” to go have meaningless sex without a guy even needing to feign interest, talk to you again, or pay for food! That’s called a “sexual revolution”.
So I was wondering, could I get Tinder guys to bring me groceries so I might actually get something substantial from our meaningless encounter?
I met Max on Tinder. We are both in the same field because all he can talk about is his private Dick work. He’s divorced, in his late-40s, and he’s looking to “party” and he freebases Viagra. Max has so much in common with my 25-year-old-self because we both like food.
Me: Will you bring some milk when you stop by?
Max: Oh yeah baby. Is that what you like? You like milk?
Me: Yes. Low fat please.
Max: Oh yeah. You like it low? Is that how you like it?
Me: And cheese–mozzarella.
Max: Oh yeah hot stuff. We can melt it with our hot bodies.
Me: And lunch meat. Not ham. Turkey.
Max: Oh yeah you like meat? I’ll bring you meat. How do you like it?
Me: Sliced thin.
Max: Okay babe I got your meat, cheese, and milk. I’ll see you at 7 and we can make a sandwich.
This is the second time I’ve gotten a guy to deliver me food on Tinder ladies and you should give it a try. Last week, John brought me tacos.
Daddy Warbucks: What do you want for dinner, Marybell?
Me: Don’t worry about me, Daddy. I’m getting a sandwich.