Romney Announces Plans To Pursue Stand-Up Comedy
The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival May Be Coming To A City Near You Soon
Following his failed bid to win the presidency, Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced today he would continue to pursue his other life-long goal of becoming a successful stand-up comedian. According to Romney staffers, the republican presidential nominee managed to fit in a handful of shows at open-mic nights at several comedy clubs around the country during his rigorous campaign.
“He’s got about ten solid minutes of material right now, a little more if you count some of the prop comedy he’s been experimenting with,” says one staffer who wished to remain anonymous.
Romney also announced plans for a ten-city comedy tour tentatively titled “The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival”. That tour is slated to kick-off in Boston next week at “Big Keith’s Comedy Club.”
“Stand-up comedy is in my blood,” said Romney. “I’m excited about this next chapter in my life. Get it? Next chapter! And that was right off the top of my head. I can make up shit like that all day.”
Allen Larkin, an assistant manager at “Laughie’s” comedy club in Fort Lauderdale witnessed one of Romney’s impromptu shows last month while the former governor was on his campaign tour.
“He was nervous at first,” Larkin said of Romney’s show. “He started to relax a bit as it went on, especially when he pulled out some of his props, particularly his large novelty sunglasses.”
One anonymous staffer provided a brief description of the show, including notes taken directly from Romney’s “joke folder”;
– “So, my yacht breaks down in the middle of the Caribbean a few years ago and I’m like, “What the fuck am I going to do now? Then I’m like “duh, Mitt, you have a goddam helicopter on the back of the boat!” I tell you, sometimes I can forget shit.”
– “Sometimes life if just fucking crazy. One of my butlers is this dude named Cheevo. Nice guy but I swear to God his breath smells like shit. Like he ate food from a can or some shit.”
– “Do you ever think about words that are just weird to say out loud? Like, “biscuit”. Seriously, say it out loud. It doesn’t even make sense. I mean, what does it mean? It fucking blows my mind that there are words out there like that.”
– “What’s the deal with poor people? I’m talking about REALLY poor people. Like, so poor they have a time-share private plane! Really? Have some fucking pride people.”
– The staffer also mentioned Romney did a bit with a large, oversized pair of novelty sunglasses that went as follows:
- Romney puts on sunglasses and then says “It’s still me, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. I just put on a pair of giant sunglasses.” Romney then takes off the glasses and studies them for what seemed like several minutes, completely silent the entire time. Romney then added; “Aren’t these the funniest things ever? I mean your head would have to be at least three or four times larger than it is now for these to fit properly. Can you imagine what that would look like? That kind of shit blows my mind.”
Tickets for The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival go on sale tomorrow.
Visit http://www.romedyfunnyfestival.com for more details.