How to Marry a Billionaire: An LOL Mystery

The following is an excerpt from a blog by a Coma resident published as a community service by Coma News Daily.

How to Marry a Billionaire: An LOL Mystery
by MaryBell Davis

Daddy Warbucks: Two-hundred-thousand dollars on a psych degree, Marybell. Did you finish your application to the Coma BookNook and Dry-cleaners MaryBell? You’ll be a great writer someday. Or at least a great barista.

MaryBell: Not now, Daddy. I will never be an unpaid writer because I just solved the mystery of how to marry a billionaire.

I hate it when people say, “Pick up a book, MaryBell. You might learn something.

Let’s be honest. Who wants to read Moby Dick, which sounds like a book about a horrible singer and something that should only come out in the dark.

The really important questions aren’t answered in a book but on Google. A search for “how do I marry a billionaire?” shows lots Kardashians (because I guess they’re billionaires), the cast of the real housewives and Bethany Frankle (if you are into skeletons). You’ll also find a couple blogs about how to do it.

What I realized is some women are dumb and their ideas for landing a billionaire are 1) diet 2) get fake boobs 3) be willing to be naked a lot.


This sounds too simple to me because a billionaire is really like that whale in Moby Dick (See, I did read it. Not dumb emoji!). They are hard to find and have the money to run away from you if you mention things like marriage, babies, love or how much you want to use their money to buy some Frye boots. Also, they’ll scoot if you say you plan to be drunk every day on a really sunny island once you have harpooned him (that’s a metaphor, people).

The reason this sounds complicated is because it entails you being someone you aren’t.

So how can you make this happen?

First, pretend you are open to anything. This is easy. In the back of your mind just think about your island.

Second, hang out where potential billionaires are. This place is called college (especially the dork ones that are associated with Ivy– Pro Tip: stay away from English Majors, History Majors, anyone who wants to go into journalism or is in film studies).

Guys on track to become billionaires aren’t wary of you trying to land them. They are just men and very much moved by you being cute and pretending they are amazing.

Finally, are his parents rich? If yes, don’t wait for graduation and the career stuff. Grab him now!


And so, the mystery of getting set for life is solved by this private dick (so gross). Now sit back, read Moby Dick, and try not to think about a horrible singer of a white whale floating somewhere off the California coast. So sad, so old.

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