Archive for: August 2016
By Coma News Daily Staff
Like everybody else, Ezra Kocklebloch loved hot dogs. But it took Kocklebloch to turn eating hot dogs into an event.
The idea for the hot dog hammer came to Kocklebloch one day while watching a group of boys gathered around one boy holding a magnifying glass.
“He was burning caterpillars but you’d think he was spinning gold, based on the rapt attention of the other youngsters,” Kocklebloch said in a 1995 interview with Coma News Daily.
The crowd-pleasing violence showed Kocklebloch the future of his hot dog stand. He fashioned wooden hammers from Lincoln Log sets, clogs, and bundles of chopsticks and lent them to hotdog buyers.
“The indescribable joy on a boy’s face as he hammers a hot dog, before eating the pieces–that’s what kept me showing up for work at that hotdog stand for the next 30 years,” Kocklebloch said.
Although the hot dog hammer never gained much popularity, it’s influence could be seen in the later popularity of the broccoli bludgeon and carrot club.
But for a generation of kids raised in Coma it was hard not to think of a hot dog every time they saw a hammer.
This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.
My Amazing Screenplay
I’m Dee Collins and all I do is sit around and pump out the most amazing screenplays every day and then try to sell them through traditional classified advertising methods. Read my ad below and contact me to buy my screenplay! (for just mid to upper 7 figures!!!)
My latest screenplay, titled ‘Ninja City’, is hot off the press and ready for sale! It only took me 3 hours to write! It’s ‘Star Wars: Episode II’ meets ‘Serpico’ but with ninjas.
R2-D2 is a down-on-his-luck undercover police officer on the mean streets of Boise, Idaho. His job is to take down the city’s ruthless crime lord and his legion of trained, killer assassins. But R2-D2 is not only fighting the crime lord and his assassins, he’s also dealing with a serious drug addiction, faulty wiring, a corrupt Police Captain and a wife (played by Emma Stone) who is threatening to leave him for a younger and much hotter android.
See below for an excerpt of this amazing movie script! If you want to buy, hit me up and let’s do business for only 1.2 million (in cash not cashier’s checks) this screenplay can be yours!!!
EXT. DARK ALLEY- NIGHT
R2-D2 is standing next to a dumpster. There is loud MUSIC coming from a bar nearby. He takes a long drink from a bottle of something strong but doesn’t fall over because he’s a HEAVY ROBOT. EMMA STONE walks out from the bar looking hot and sexy but yet vulnerable.
R2D2… I mean, Dylan? Where are you?
R2 D2 rolls out from behind the dumpster. He’s wearing a black KISS type wig.
I’m right here Emma Stone.
What are you doing out here? When did you start talking?
Suddenly, a pack of wild-looking NINJAS drop from the sky like raindrop NINJAS, each wielding deadly swords!
(to Emma Stone)
Look out Emma Stone.
Emma Stone ducks behind the dumpster. R2 D2 takes out a handgun and starts shooting all the ninjas. The NINJAS fall because everyone knows a GUN beats NINJAS. In the process of the shootout, R2 D2’s wig falls off his head.
Oh no! My wig fell off my head. My cover is blown!
One of the ninjas looks up from the pool of blood he is lying in.
Wait…you’re…an…android? You’re not Gene Simmons?
I’m gonna tell.
R2 D2 picks up his wig and places it back on top of his head. He rolls over to the ninja.
You’re going to have a hard time telling anybody anything without a face.
R2 D2 shoots the ninjas face off.
As you can see, this might be my most powerful and intimate script yet! Don’t wait because this is gonna get sold in a hurry! If you’d like to read the entire script or want to buy it straight up from this sample, contact me NOW!
Dear Query Guy,
I don’t want to die. I know that no one wants to die but I am really afraid of getting old and dying. How do I stop myself from dying? I eat right, exercise and I am considering gene therapy. I just need a solution to keep myself from growing old which will eventually lead to dying.
Fear and dying
Many approaches are available to address the fear of death and/or non-immortality.
Cryogenics is logical but is generally unaffordable for your average plebeian. Additionally, you could find your defrosted head reattached to any manner of future robotic insectoids.
Alternately, living each day as it unfurls and not succumbing to trepidations that result in missed meaningful moments with friends, family and endless indulgences may be advisable when becoming a vampire is unavailable.
Or you could just hit it with a Hammer.
As my delicate flower of a spouse has oft advised occupants of our many investment properties who complain about the crumbling infrastructure of their domiciles: Hit that problem with a hammer. A hammer can fix or break anything. It can tear things apart or put them back together. But it is only as good as how vigorously you apply it to the problem.
Hit your dreary dread of death with a hammer, my dear FAD, and enjoy the many luxuries and beauties of this life!
It’s time for the Coma Olympics where synchronized lawn mowing and competitive beer gutting sets the stage for some real competition. We’d like to thank our newest sponsor The Coma Landmine Tours and Museum. Take a Landmine tour today. It’ll blow you away.
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This episode of Coma News Daily is brought to you by Kale flavored liquid ham. It’s the kale flavor that makes it so delicious.
This week we just keep ‘Getting Serious’ and broadcast from the Coma Grain Elevator and Convention Center which is just like Rio but with less hotwax.
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By Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Daily elderly intern
On July 23, 1984, more than three years of effort resulted in the cats of Coma and their people finally having a park to call their own.
At 9:00 a.m. on that historic day, Mayor T. Boone Dickens gave a short speech thanking local Cat Park advocates for their research, dedication, and steady commitment to bringing a Cat Park to town.
About a dozen cats and their family members showed up for the opening day activities and to check out the new park. Most of the animals immediately jumped the fence and ran away.
The few remaining cats were soon chased off by a local dog that wandered by the Cat Park and began uncontrollably barking.
Despite the loss of the cats, their owners were able to enjoy a day sitting in the covered pavilion, sharing potato salad, and talking about their cats.
When discussions of the Cat Park for Coma were first brought before the Town Council there was much skepticism and limited support. After three years of steady efforts of a group of committed Cat Park supporters and advocates, led by the husband and wife team of Riley Jacobs and Summer Moon Beam Roehner, the idea became even more unpopular.
But by cultivating a series of favors owed to them by Town Council members, the pair were able to realize their dreams of a dedicated space for Coma cats to run away and–occasionally–to play and socialize with other felines.
The site is the current location of the Coma Wastewater Treatment Plant and Spring Water Dispensary.
By Coma News Daily Staff
In a landmark legal ruling, Coma Traffic Court Judge Alan Pezzati roundly rejected further use of “nothing but mammals” legal defense.
The decision, which Pezzati read from the bench, torpedoed the emerging legal theory first championed by the
Bloodhound Gang in their song “The Bad Touch.”
“This case turned on the theory that ‘You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals; So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel; Get horny now,” Pezzati said.
“This court finds that the crude, out-dated ditty is insufficient grounds to excuse the charge of speeding in a 25 MPH zone.”
The defendant, Micah Horncraft, said he was shocked and saddened by the ruling.
“I always thought the song’s logic was pretty airtight,” Horncraft said as he left the courthouse, which also house’s the judge’s business, Alan’s Vape and Vinyl. “Who could have anticipated the song’s reasoning would break down when applying it to car-driving dogs?”
Horncraft’s defense posited that his driving speed and precision were infinitely better than his dog’s driving would have been in the same circumstances.
The case’s impact was quickly felt by numerous town residents.
“Canada may have recently legalized bestiality but this ain’t Canada, Jack” Stan Bargmeyer said, apparently about a different case.
Pezzati’s decision striking down the “mammal defense” rested on the vagueness of the lyrics.
“Let me be Pacific I wanna be down in your South Seas; But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means ‘Small Craft Advisory,'” Pezzati said. “Terrible rhymes, weird nautical theme, and what’s up with the child-speak word play?”
Other legal holes Pezzati shot in the “mammals defense” included the easily misunderstood lyrics.
“We ain’t nothing but camels? Enamel? Mammoths? Are any of us really sure what they were singing about?” Pezzati said. “Get horny now.”
The wealthiest resident of Coma choked back tears Monday at the dedication of Coma’s first electric car charging station.
“The generous gift of $420,000 by the residents of this small town to build this charging station put a smile on this simple boy’s face,” Davis Montgomery III, said during his two and half hour address.
Fresh from a morning ride at one of his three horse farms, Montgomery addressed the gathered crowd while still dressed in his riding pants and boots. The opening ceremony included raffled off $1 gift cards to Coma Dollar Store.
Montgomery hailed the environmental benefits of the charging station, which will allow him to drive his $120,000 Tesla Model X for another 15 miles. That will allow Montgomery to avoid using any of his 12 other gasoline-powered vehicles.
“This is really about leaving a better world for our children–not that I have any of my own but I consider most people’s children mine,” Montgomery said. “These small humans are facing catastrophe from this town’s wanton use of fossil fuels but today you have taken a small step in the right direction.”
Montgomery also took the time to shoo children away who had gotten too close to his car.
“The Inuit of Canada’s North have over 100 words for snow,” Montgomery said during the second hour of his remarks. “I wish there were that many for thank you, because I’d use every one of them in this speech.”
Davis noted that the charging station would benefit at least five of his friends who own Teslas and live on estates in neighboring counties.
“Simply put, if it wasn’t for faithful supporters like you, charging stations wouldn’t exist,” Montgomery said. “So thank you for supplying the funds that we need to make a difference in the lives of enlightened electric cars drivers who struggle with recharging needs while passing through our own town.”