Archive for: February 2016

Physician To Open Coma’s First Medieval Medical Practice

by Coma News Daily Staff

Citing an “epic quest” to return to medicine’s roots, Coma physician Dr. Jimmy announced this week his plans to open the town’s first medieval medical practice this spring.

“Sometimes the old ways are the best ways,” Dr. Jimmy said. “People are hungry for alternative forms of traditional medicine. My new practice will provide a real alternative while still being soundly based in western medicine practices that go back hundreds of years.”

Medieval ad

The new practice, which Dr. Jimmy said will be called “Thine Leeching Post & Acupuncture,” will feature not only popular medieval medical services, like bloodletting and trepanning, but a full-breadth of long-forgotten procedures and practices to keep patients healthy.

“We’re way beyond simple leeching and drilling holes in people’s heads,” Dr. Jimmy said.  “We will be the first place people think of when they hear popular terms like boar-bile enemas, hot-iron hemorrhoid treatment and medical astrology.”

Dr. Jimmy said the new practice has been in the works for nearly a decade and is the culmination of a life-long dream. The transition from present day western medicine to the sometimes archaic practices of medieval ages was a challenge for the 40-year old physician.

“First, I had to unlearn the vast knowledge I’ve accumulated over the past 12 years,” Dr. Jimmy said. “You’re not going to find a lot of information on corpse medicine, animal dung ointments and wandering wombs at Johns Hopkins, if you know what I mean. It was a difficult process.”


The new medical facility will feature a dungeon-like waiting room with “only the most current and popular golf, fashion and travel magazines,” along with a reception and nurse team bedecked in traditional medieval garments, robes and cloaks.

The biggest challenge Dr. Jimmy faced was from regulators and medical boards, who objected to what many call “unsafe and deadly” practices. Dr. Jimmy, however, said the traditional medical community is worried about nothing.

“Are we going to use urine as an antiseptic?” Dr. Jimmy asked rhetorically. “Yes. Are we going to give patients a brew of hemlock, opium and vinegar as an anesthetics? Yes. Guess what, that’s exactly what they did in the olden days and guess what, again? People are still around. Must not have been that bad.”

The new medical office is scheduled to open April 11 and new patients are encouraged to make appointments as soon as possible.

Buy My Screenplay ‘Invasion: Fight Til Dawn’

This advertorial does not reflect the views of Coma News Daily

Invasion: Fight Til Dawn

Starring Leonardo Dicaprio and Flo from the Progressive Insurance TV commercials

Earth Battle Wars


I’m Dee Collins and all I do is pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then sell them through traditional classified advertising methods. Read my ad below and then contact me to buy my screenplay!

THIS IS THE MOVIE HOLLYWOOD DOESN’T WANT YOU TO SEE! Finally, an apocalyptic alien invasion movie without all the clichés! This big-budget summer blockbuster will make billions of dollars.


Aliens have invaded earth and they aren’t happy! Can a washed-up private investigator (played by Leonardo Dicaprio), and a down-on-her-luck notary public (played by Flo from the Progressive Insurance TV commercials) save the world before it is too late? Maybe. 

Below is a sample of this gut-wrenching, eye-popping disaster epic:


Terror-filled SCREAMS and CRIES FOR HELP ring out across the city as people run and scramble for safety. The scene is complete pandemonium. In the sky, an ALIEN SPACESHIP hovers above one of the many skyscrapers.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO, a washed-up private investigator, takes cover behind an abandoned car in the middle of a chaotic street. By his side is FLO FROM THE PROGRESSIVE INSURANCE COMMERCIALS ON TELEVISION.

The alien spaceship shoots laser beams at a large building, creating a HUGE EXPLOSION. Concrete, glass and steel rain down on the street below.


Those aliens are blowing up a bunch of stuff!


What do you think they want?


Same thing everybody wants Flo…




Why do you think they want money?


They are probably holding us ransom until we pay them a bunch of money. Like A LOT.


But what good would our money be to them? I mean…like, what would they spend it on?

The alien spaceship fires another laser beam and destroys a second building. Leonardo and Flo cover their heads as debris from the explosion flies all around them.


I don’t know. Yachts, a nice watch, fancy galas. Same thing all the rich people spend their money on.


What are we going to do?

Leonardo Dicaprio reaches for a chunk of concrete.


We’re going to fight back!

Leonardo Dicaprio stands up and hurls the chunk of concrete as hard as he can at the alien spaceship, hitting it squarely. The spaceship wobbles in the air for a moment, seemingly losing all ability to navigate, before crashing into a large building and exploding.


That’s all for now! If you want to buy this screenplay, get in touch with me immediately.  For a limited time, I’m offering this and “Death Cow” as a package for $650,000! You can’t beat that deal! Don’t wait!

Dee Collins

Serious–Part 2: Horse Also Missing

The following is part of a year-long investigative series by Coma News Daily into the disappearance of a former editor, Don Johnson Michaels.

Serious–Part 2: Horse Also Missing

by Jonny Reynolds, reporter, who is not Ryan Reynolds and does not have social phobia

It sometimes gets lost in the ominous mystery of the disappearance of Don Johnson Michaels that his was not the only loss that cold January day.

It was just over a year ago that Michaels, 54, a local journalism legend, was last seen laughing like a hyena as he rode off on a horse.

But that horse also had real value that is often little discussed in the retelling of the tale of Johnson’s disappearance. The horses value? At least $50,000, according to its owner, Davis Montgomery III.


It was Montgomery, who was Michaels’ boss and the publisher of Coma News Daily, who probably suffered the most from Johnson’s disappearance.

“I raised him from a young awkward creature who could barely stand and who constantly bleated for his mother into a towering pillar of local journalism,” Montgomery said about Michaels.

Don Johnson Michaels is editor of Coma News Daily and works on my farm for free on the weekend as part of his compensation package at the newspaper.

“Don Johnson Michaels is editor of Coma News Daily and works on my farm for free on the weekend as part of his compensation package at the newspaper.” said Davis Montgomery III

“That said, the horse was significantly more impressive,” Montgomery added.

The chocolate-colored stallion was a three-year-old Belgian Warmblood named Ryan Gosling.

“Ryan Gosling would happily take you round cross country, show jumping and dressage,” Montgomery said. “Ryan Gosling was a brave and bold jumper who was not scared to try ditches and water and new fences.”

The horse was disciplined enough for an amateur rider. However, he may have proved too much for the editor, who had never ridden and referred to horses as “zebras.”

“It is simply not possible to fill the hole in my heart left by the disappearance of the most wonderful, warm, and intelligent beings I’ve ever interacted with,” Montgomery said. “Hopefully, Ryan Gosling will be found alive after that editor turns up in a ditch somewhere.”


Montgomery has offered both a “dead or alive” bounty on Michaels and a $50,000 reward for information that leads to the return of Ryan Gosling.

“It’s what the horse would want me to do,” Montgomery said.

Next on Serious: Why did the sheriff hire a local relationship blogger to find the missing editor?

Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.




[FreecycleComa] WANTED: Frozen unseasoned chicken, meat, lamb, pork, fish, deer etc


Please let me help you clean out your freezer and get rid of that old or freezer burned meat before this year’s catch comes! Don’t throw it out!
My dogs eat a special home prepared diet and I can recycle with them what you no longer want. It doesn’t matter if it’s freezer burned, as long as it’s raw and unprocessed (no seasoned or smoked meats), and was fit for human consumption when it was frozen. Anything that swam, flew, walked or crawled is fine by us.
Any organs from any livestock are also useful. I would love to take it off your hands and will come and pick it up at your convenience.

Thank you,

Alex, Fred, Fiona, Angel and some other dogs in this picture who live with us



[FreecycleComa] WANTED: Deer Antlers for a Valentine’s Day arrangement

Shout out to any Deer Hunters…I’d like some used deer antlers that I can make Valentine’s Day floral arrangements with. Please email me @ townofcoma at

Mayor Dave Anderson

Imagine how great the love of your life will look in the deer antler arrangements I make with the free antlers you send me!

Imagine how great the love of your life will look in the used deer antler arrangements I make with the free antlers you send me!

Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) .
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it — NO BODILY FLUIDS ON THIS COUCH (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler or breast implants [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

Wanted: Let’s Hang on Valentine’s Day if You Want

“Stoner” Steve Phillips wants to know if anybody wants to come over and hang out and smoke some weed on Valentine’s Day

If any lady wants to come over and hang out on Valentine’s Day that would be cool with me. Just scored some wicked White Willow and will be rolling that stuff all night. If possible, could you please bring some Pringles Extreme Torchin’ Tamale chips? It will be totally laid back.

If things go well, I might break out my bag of Himalayan Haze and we can smoke that out of my Stratosphere Bong. Up to you. Hey, if you have an extra pair of shoes or some other foot clothing, could you maybe bring that with you cause I lost all my shoes and stuff last week.

If you want to watch the 48 Hours TV show, we can do that.

If things are still cool after that, we can go to my bedroom and just chill in my bed in the nude. NO EXPECTATIONS and NO PRESSURE!  Just a guy and a female lady laying in my bed naked and chilling. I don’t get hung up on keeping track of how much of my weed you smoked all night and I don’t think that just because you smoked some of my Blueberry Kush or Vertigo Hypnosis that you owe me sex or anything.

I got some oils too and if all we are doing is laying there in my bed and being naked, there’s no reason we couldn’t rub some of that oil on each other’s bodies and stuff. But we will play it by ear. And just because I’m suggesting we oil each other’s bodies with massage oil while laying in my bed naked and completely baked out of our minds on Valentine’s Day night, doesn’t mean I’m suggesting we have sexual intercourse. I’m not a jerk.

Let me know. It will be totally cool and I’m a really good dude.




Coma Mayor’s Life-long Olympic Dream Dashed

By Coma News Daily Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week his life-long pursuit of participating in the Summer Olympics was over after learning that darts was not an Olympic sport.

“I went to the website to register for Olympics and that’s when I realized there were no dart events,” Anderson said.

When asked why he didn’t check to see if darts was an Olympic sport before going through years of training, Anderson replied, “It never occurred to me that darts aren’t a sport. Have you been to Bear’s Biker Bar during dollar-drink Happy Hour?”

Anderson told Coma News that he has been training relentlessly to compete on the world’s largest competitive stage for nearly three decades.  In 1990, he dropped out of community college to focus solely on improving his dart skills with an eye on the 2016 Summer Olympics.


“My commitment to the sport of darts has cost me countless jobs, friends, a career as a stand up comedian, some family members, and really any social life whatsoever,” he said. “I thought for sure darts was on the Olympics. I mean, why wouldn’t it be?”

Those closest to Anderson said the 46-year-old has been talking about his Olympic dream incessantly in recent years, telling anyone who’d listen that he was an Olympic-level athlete and asking people if they wanted any souvenirs from Rio, the host city for the 2016 games.

“I honestly assumed it was some alternate-style Olympic Games he was talking about,” a close acquaintance who wished to remain anonymous told reporters.  “Like, bar or tavern-style Olympic Games with pool, darts, shuffleboard, pull tabs.  That kind of thing.”

Anderson said that while he admits he probably should have confirmed dart’s inclusion in the summer Olympics, he assumed that all “kick-ass sports” were already part of the world’s largest sporting event.

“I’m devastated but I’m going to move on,” Anderson said. “I’m going to shift my focus now on qualifying for the Winter Games in snow-shoeing and might find time to focus on being the mayor of Coma.”

Man Rails Against Valentine’s Day Mascot

By Coma News Staff

Coma resident Micah Horncraft delivered an impromptu and derisive tirade about the popular Valentine’s Day icon, Cupid, during his lunch break yesterday at the Coma Futurist Society.

Onlookers said the nearly five-minute long monologue was ignited after a discussion about the upcoming Valentine’s Day weekend began in the undersized break room.

“He got noticeably upset,” said one eyewitness who wished to remain anonymous.  “His hands started shaking and he just went off about militarized infants and science. It was hard to follow at times.”

In a phone interview with Coma News Daily, Horncraft said he was sorry if his passionate dissertation made his co-workers uncomfortable but his feelings about Cupid have been building up for years.

“Raise your hand if you think it’s a good idea to give flying babies weapons,” Horncraft said during the phone interview. “Are you raising your hand? I can’t tell because I can’t see you through the phone so you’re going to have to tell me if you’re raising your hand. Be honest, please.”

Horncraft, who is married, said he doesn’t have a problem with Valentine’s Day as a special occasion, per se, but drew the line at the unrealistic depiction of cupid and what the small cherub-like character represents.


“So, a little baby that can’t even walk and who probably makes doo-doo in his pants is flying around determining who he will strike with his love arrow?” Horncraft asked. “Scientifically, there are so many holes in that narrative.  First, does a small baby understand the concept of romantic love? Second, does he possess the fine motor skills to master the art of archery? There are some serious, serious issues here.”

Horncraft said that while he despises the Cupid character, he would be celebrating Valentine’s Day this weekend by taking his wife to an all-you-can-eat buffet and watching the “Alien vs. Predator” movies.

“I would just be much happier about Valentine’s Day if they had a more believable mascot like Christmas, Easter or President’s Day did,” Horncraft said. “I don’t think a newborn baby could generate enough energy with his bow draw to deliver an arrow that could pierce human flesh. That’s all I’m saying. Do the science.”

Strange Theaters Prospered, Destroyed in Coma

by Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Daily Intern

“Going to the theater” in Coma usually means a movie or a performance by the Coma Backgate Players. But in the early 1900s, people who wanted to be entertained in Coma had a range of strange options to choose from.Perhaps it was the town’s methane boom or the once-thriving silly hat industry  that brought both prosperity and a range of curious entertainments to the region. In its heyday, Coma supported more than half a dozen theaters that featured questionable shows ranging from bovine burlesque to meat-themed vaudeville.


This giant pig, named Orwell, was the headliner at multiple comedy venues in Coma.

In fact, between 1870, when the vaudeville theater Washington Hall opened, and 1928, when the Riviera opened the town boasted at least 19 performance halls.

Washington Hall once featured Joan Crawford in the chorus line of sultry farmers years before she became one of the biggest names in motion pictures.

That venue was the first of several performance halls to burn to the ground amid the fad of fire-and-straw-dress dancing that swept the region.

Cowboy comedian Will Rogers played a one-night stand at the old Academy of Music. Then-Coma Mayor Edmund B. Jallopy was there that night, when the famed comedian started joking about how hard it was to find a decent junk yard in town after the mayor had instituted the town’s first ban, which barred all such facilities from the town limits. Rogers joked that he had always assumed Coma was a giant trash hole before coming here and was deeply disappointed to find otherwise.

At a time when there were only outhouses and barns The Dirtpile was a popular venue for up and coming musicians in Coma.

At a time when there were only outhouses and barns The Dirtpile was a popular venue for up and coming musicians in Coma.

The audience, including Mayor Jallopy, roared with laughter and Jalopy lifted his junk yard ban the next week.

The old Academy of Music, like many other venues in the town, was lost in a tragic methane mine collapse and explosion.

The Majestic Theater presented multiple shows each week and showcased the work of several actors who found fans in Coma. One was famed actor Buster Keaton. When he wasn’t entertaining theatergoers in Coma, Keaton reportedly worked at a local drugstore owned by Joe Lotus, where he “could jerk sodas and serve ice cream at a tremendous rate,” according to one Coma News Daily report at the time.The Majestic ran high-class shows for a number of years before switching to burlesque and was eventually gutted during the famous burlesque riots of 1930.