Archive for: September 2015

Coma Pioneer Invents Disastrous Sail-Powered Aircraft Carrier

By Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Daily intern

Powerful winds drive both ships and aircraft but together they drive destruction.
That was the painful lesson learned by Coma native and inventor Adm. Eustis Antilles when he created the sail-powered aircraft carrier in 1859.
Antilles’ innovation came in the lead up to the Civil War, which also was the waning days of sail-powered warships. A bit of a contrarian, Antilles rejected the growing concensus that steam and coal power were the fiture for ships.
And given his position as a confident and bowdy-night wingman of Navy Sec. Henry Seward, Antilles was able to push through construction of the first and only “sailcraft carrier,” the USS AirBlow.


“It was as majestic as a mountain and as graceful as a swan,” Antilles wrote in his diary about the ship.
It was only after building the ship that Navy leaders realized powered aircraft had not yet been invented. Undeterred, they tried using the ship as a landing platform for hot air balloons. Twenty-seven balloons were tangled in the sails or lost at sea attempting to land on the  ship before the last balloon’s burner ignited the ship’s sails.
Antilles wrote in his diary that the unanticipated accident “lit that bastard ship up like a Roman candle.”
After retiring to Coma, where Antilles spent his final years, the former admiral would spend years trying to perfect models of the sailcraft carrier on Lake Coma.
The model that ran over Antilles and sent him to his watery grave is still on display at the Coma Historical Society.

Looking for a Cool Cow!


Been trying to find me a fun, cool cow.  Tired of cows I have now.  They’re boring as cowpies! LOL! But true. Willing to pay up to $200 or will trade for firewood and/or used electronics.  If you have a cow that likes to play or fetch stuff, contact me!


Mayor Mistakes Man for Woman; Mayoral Race Wide Open


By Robert McGuiness, Special Reporter Coma News Daily, Not an Alcoholic

Following a recent and public faux pas in which Coma Mayor Dave Anderson mistook resident Earl Hogue for a woman, new polls indicate the race for the mayor’s office is wide open.

“Everybody is freaking out about this but if you’re going to wash your car in short, cut-off jeans with your blonde hair pulled back in a pony tail, you’re going to get a few catcalls here and there,” Anderson said.

While driving through town last weekend, Anderson made several sexually-charged comments toward Hogue, who was washing his car in his driveway.  Witnesses claim the mayor drove by at least three times.  In each pass, he launched in to either crude pick-up lines, whistling or a mix of whooping and hollering.

tourism ad 3

“It was awkward,” Coma resident Johnson Pittman said.  Pittman witnessed the ordeal from across the street. “The first time I heard someone yell something about low-fat Ranch dressing and I turned around and saw the mayor’s car driving by and he was all hanging out the window shouting toward Earl, who just kept on washing his car.”

According to eye witnesses, the mayor yelled “I’m gonna come back in a few minutes with some creamy, low-fat Ranch dressing and eat your salad baby,” as he passed by the first time.

The mayor drove around the block and returned a few minutes later.  This time, he slowed his car down and started whistling.

“I think he said something like ‘hey honey, why don’t we grab some cottage cheese and make us some oatmeal,'” Pittman recalled.  “It was really confusing on so many levels.  There was the fact he was making those comments to Earl, who is a man.  And then there was the reference to cottage cheese and the implication that it was somehow an ingredient in oatmeal.  Very, very peculiar.”

Anderson admitted he momentarily mistook Hogue for a woman, but claimed it was an honest mistake.

tourism ad 4

“I didn’t see his face,” Anderson said.  “All I saw was his behind, and in those jeans it kind of looked like he had a woman’s behind. It’s not that big of a deal.”

The latest misstep by the mayor follows a series of recent bans that have many in Coma reconsidering the upcoming mayoral election.  According the most recent polls, Anderson is nearly neck-and-neck with his top challenger, Russel Stonewall.

One analyst, who wished to remain anonymous, said the mayor has hit a cold streak and had better turn things around in a hurry with the election less than a month away.

The Band (or Coma Town Council), pictured here in the 60s, is using the new music to help the younger generations understand how wonderful they were and are.

The Band (or Coma Town Council), pictured here in the 60s, is using the new music to help the younger generations understand how wonderful they were and are.

“The mayor has hit a cold streak and he had better turn things around in a hurry with the election less than a month away,” the analyst said.

For his part, Hogue said there were no hard feelings.

“I guess it’s flattering,” the long-time Coma resident said.  “I mean, it’s really, really weird, especially when he said something about my rear end and Ciabatta bread, but I guess I can understand that I may have looked like a woman from behind.”

Anderson had no further comment on the matter.  The mayoral election will take place on Tuesday, November 3rd.


Telling My Son “No, You Cannot Leave My House”

The following is blog by a Coma resident excerpted as a community service by Coma New Daily.
My son is crazy about sports. He’s both a participant and an observer: he plays Xbox soccer year-round, and he recently took up a bat and glove for the first time when he played Super Mega Baseball on his PlayStation. He can also recite the number of each cable sports channel we receive.
As obsessions go, I approve of this one. I never have to tell this beautiful boy to stop smashing holes through the drywall or throwing balls through windows.
I don’t even mind the sports-viewing on television. He wants to watch his favorite baseball team? Nothing wrong with that.
But as I watched my son develop an interest in actually playing sports–outside and with other children–as he approached adolescence, I grew uneasy. I want him to be able to explore his varied interests and to take chances but I also want him to learn to evaluate risk and make smart decisions.
That’s why I told him no.
When I looked up the research on the long-term effects of unprotected soccer players suffering repeated head injuries from collisions, water polo players nearly drowning, wrestlers asphyxiated by too-tight singlets and baseball players impaled by discarded bats I realized that I couldn’t say yes to the request I knew was coming.
Sure enough, my son approached me shortly before he turned 11. “Mommy,” he asked, “can I play any sport next year?”
“No, honey. I’m sorry. Not sports. I’ll support you playing just about any video game but I can’t in good conscience let you play any sport because they all carry risks.”
How do you get a child to wrap their young brains around the complex notion that I’d rather risk (more) obesity and psychosis than risk physical injury?
Over the course of the next 12 months, I explained to my son my concerns about the brain injuries now known to be commonly suffered in nearly every sport.
“What about just letting me ride a bike?”

“That’s actually the least safe sport you could do.”

Even if my son wasn’t one of the 800 bicyclists killed every year, there was a very real possibility he could be among the 500,000 hospitalized with life-altering injuries.
What made me so sure I was right?
A friend told me about a lecture where the speaker said the tough parenting decisions aren’t the ones you make when you’re sure of yourself but your child is mad at you as a result. So I’m quite confident I made the right call.
My son and I eventually reached a detente.
He’s keeping his brain safe, staying on his ADHD medications, going to counseling for his rage issues and trying a new diet to shed some of gallon-ice-cream-nights-with-mommy pounds.

Winter can’t come soon enough.

Woman Who Died, Then Came Back to Life, Then Died Again Comes Back to Life

Coma resident, Cheryl Maplethorpe, who reportedly died, then came back to life, then died again yesterday, came back to life late last night, hospital officials said.

“She just sat up, rubbed her eyes and asked if I had a 100 Thousand Grand candy bar,” hospital orderly Dustin Metcalf said.  “I told her I didn’t but I did have a small Tootsie Roll I offered her.  She rolled her eyes at me and then stuck her finger in her mouth and pretended to gag.  It was unusual.”

A recent photo of Maplethorpe who died, came back to life and then died again

A recent photo of Maplethorpe who died, came back to life and then died again

According to staff, Maplethorpe had just been relocated to the morgue after being declared dead a few hours earlier.  Doctors were unclear as to the cause of her two deaths and had hoped an autopsy would help them discover what, precisely, caused the woman to die two times in less than two hours.”

“I was rather perturbed,” emergency room physician, Dr. Jimmy said.  “I really, really, really wanted to know what killed this woman.  Now I’ll never know.  She took that from me.”

Maplethorpe was unavailable for comment.  Friends said the 38-year old secretary asked for crustless pizza, 2 liters of 7-Up and five 100 Thousand Grand candy bars.

“She even made a joke about how eating five 100 Thousand Grand candy bars is like ingesting a half of a million dollars,” Maplethorpes friend and co-worker, Kate Spiller said.  “So she was definitely her witty, happy self.”

Maplethorpe will be kept overnight for testing and further observation.


Coma Weekly FREECYCLE Digest

Freecycling is when a person passes on, for free, an unwanted item to another person who needs that item. From silverware to mobile homes, people worldwide are choosing to freecycle rather than discard.

Re: [FreecyleComa] OFFER: Silicone breast implants

I got a lot of nasty emails about these implants. They were only used once and are clean. By posting this I am in no way saying you need implants I’d just rather give them away than trash them. They’ve been kept in a cool dry place for a year. You will need to find someone to surgically implant them (professional hopefully). Can be used for cornhole as a substitute for bean bags. Please stop sending me the nasty emails. This is a serious freecycle post.


[FreecycleComa] WANTED: Tunnel for dog agility‏

Would love to practice with a tunnel for a golden retriever. Dogs love tunnels. Can be kids toy tunnel but I will use it for my dog.

Julie and dog Lucy




Want to contact the FreecycleComa moderators?  Write to us at townofcoma (at) .
Please always use:

– OFFER: old couch– did not sleep with my ex on it (Downtown/courthouse/ in a cell/ on top of a mountain)
– TAKEN: old couch strange stains [to be used to withdraw an OFFER for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the OFFER]

– WANTED: stapler or false teeth [Please use this one sparingly]– Cannot be “wanted mate” or “wanted sex” or “wanted a hot chick”
– RECEIVED: stapler [to be used to withdraw a WANTED for any reason; only to be posted by the member making the WANTED]

NEED, PPU, REOFFER, RE-OFFER, etc., are not acceptable keywords, and nothing other than the keyword should appear before the item description.

Candidate Profile: Mayor Dave Anderson

By: Coma News Daily Staff

Coma’s incumbent Mayor Dave Anderson said his first term in office was highly reminiscent of the years he spent touring as a struggling standup comedian.

Before they transformed to punk 'Save the World' was reliving the amazing songs of the 60's in a cow field.

Before the Coma Town Council transformed to punk ‘Save the World’ they were reliving the amazing songs of the 60’s in a cow field.

“There wasn’t as much laughter as you hoped for and the food was pretty bad,” Anderson said.  “But it is nice that I’ve been able to work in the same town for nearly four years.  Get it?”

Always quick with a joke or one of his deadpan prat-falls, Anderson’s four year term was marked with mostly a status quo approach to city planning and budgeting.  That all changed last spring when the mayor faced growing pressure from local advocacy groups to curb certain behaviors considered unhealthy, gratuitous or simply unpleasant.

“I learned a lot during that time,” Anderson now admits.  “Hey, what’s the deal with cinnamon toast?  I mean, is it a breakfast or a dinner?  Think about it.”

Timeline of bans in Coma created by Mayor Dave Anderson.

Timeline of bans in Coma created by Mayor Dave Anderson.

Anderson, who is prone to changing the subject with his witty one-liners and monologues, began enacting and supporting many of the bans as a way to appease the vocal minority who submitted numerous petitions to support their self interests. Many cite the bans as the main reason the current mayor finds himself trailing in polls released this week.

But Anderson is not a stranger to playing from behind. Anderson, who refuses to have his photo taken in public, spent nearly 14 years on the road as a standup comedian, playing a wide range of bars, clubs and even bingo halls.  His breakthrough came in 2003 when he finished 18th place in the OmaHa-Ha! Funny Festival in Omaha, Nebraska.

He returned to his hometown in 2008 and himself without a job.  In 2009, after Mayor Gerry Reichert announced he would not seek a record eighth term, Anderson threw his hat into the ring and ended up running unopposed.

“I realized that being mayor was a lot like being a standup comedian,” Anderson said.  “I get to talk in front of people and make them laugh.  Or at least chortle. By the way, what’s up with bald people?  I mean, what?  You can’t grow any hair on your head or something?”

Anderson promises that if he is re-elected, he will host open-mic night’s every Friday at a local tavern. “I’ve been getting that itch again recently,” he said.  “I need to walk that dog, if you know what I mean.”

The mayor faces a tough challenge in his re-election bid as local paving-mogul, Russell Stonewall, is currently leading in the polls.  The mayoral election is scheduled for Tuesday, November 3rd.

I Drawed it!

By Coma New Daily intern, Stan Bargmeyer

You can draw anything if you just imagine it.

Drawed It phone

In the picture above I imagined what a high-technology phone might look like on a table. I didn’t imagine what kind of table it was. Was the table made of oak or maple? Was it purchased at Walmart? I didn’t imagine that part I just imagined what a high-technology phone might look like and then I drew it. You can do it too! Just use your imagination and draw a phone where it shouldn’t be like on a table or in a box of graham crackers. Then draw it.


Send your pictures to townofcoma (at)

We are giving a special imagination prize to the best drawing.