Daddy Warbucks: I’m not sure you should go and get a second graduate degree in Criminology Marybell. You’re not even using any of the degrees you have.
Marybell: Listen, Daddy. It’s tough to be a woman in a man’s world. Men are everywhere farting and taking up space. I need a Criminology degree so I can solve really important mysteries like why is Mom always wrong.
Apparently mothers have been around forever and basically they’ve always been wrong. It’s amazing that children even exist and become anything because mothers have no idea what they are doing, obviously. Case in point: Mary. Yeah right, lady. You were such a good mom that dude Jesus got nailed to wood and stuff. Case in point: Ted Bundy’s mom. What even happened there? For years, mothers have been around thinking they know so much. “Brush your teeth, George,” said Momma Washington. “That tight rope is dangerous,” said some carni’s mom. And the real mystery is how can women who know so much be so wrong?
Here’s an example. I am dating this guy named Randy and he said, “your mom is cute for an old lady.”
And I said, “gross.really?”
And he said, “Yeah I think she was totally wild when she was your age.”
And I said, “gross”
So I told my mom and she said, “I don’t like this Randy. I don’t like how he talks to you. You can do better.”
And that’s where she’s wrong! Randy is the best. He lets me be a real woman and pay for everything when we go out because Randy is between jobs right now. He’s trying to do a lot of meditation and spend some time in a sweat lodge looking at crystals to tell him “What the UNIVERSE wants him to become”. That’s huge. Randy tells me how great I am to look at and that I have an amazing mind that is represented by things like my tight butt and he can really see how smart I am in a bikini. He tells me that one day when he figures out what he’s going to do with his life he’ll take care of me by letting me do everything including work full time so I can feel like a real woman.
And basically I realized moms are wrong because they just don’t get it. They don’t know how it feels to be an independent woman and basically they are never there and always failing you because they can’t help it. Mystery solved. They are wrong because they just can’t help it. Someday if I ever become a mom I’m sure I’ll do everything better.
Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, dinner is ready. Your mom made enchiladas.
Marybell: That’s so gross, Daddy. I didn’t want enchiladas. How come she never knows