It looks like ground zero for America’s newest addiction wave is right here in Coma, USA.
Local law enforcement and healthcare officials report a surge in arrests and calls for emergency assistance stemming from an overdose of hair plugs.
“I’d like to thank sports broadcaster and thought leader Joe Buck for bringing attention recently to the deadly toll of hair plug addiction,” said Dr. Jimmy, a Coma physician. “Now we need to bring the necessary will and resources to address this mortal threat to our community.”
Fortunately, hair plug addiction appears to be limited to a small slice of Coma’s population. The scourge’s local foothold has come among the wealthiest Coma residents, due to the enormous costs of the elective cosmetic procedure. However, their addictions have spawned a mini crime was among local high earners, including cases of insider trading, corporate tax evasion, and usury.
“I would like to urge our local corporate executives, government contractors, and wealthy celebrities to get help before you end up in a minimum secuity country club jail for a short period of time,” said Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib.
But others warned that middle class residents are just one second mortgage or casino-type bank robbery away from being able to fall into the same insanely expensive addiction.
“Joe Buck has bravely shown us how this addiction turns it’s victims into terrifying nightmare creatures–and I mean that literally–but I fear that won’t be enough to stem the appeal of this super slow fix to some,” Dr. Jimmy said.