By Coma News Staff
Shaun White may be an internationally heralded celebrity but he better stay clear of Coma.
No Olympians or Olympic viewing will be allowed in the town of Coma after this week’s emergency order from the Coma Department of Health and Human Services (CoDe HHS).
“The risk that one of our precious children would imitate the increasingly dangerous activities literally celebrated by the Winter Olympics was too great of a risk to allow such viewing to continue,” said Coma HHS Director Margaret Singer.
The ban was precipitated by HHS officials watching injuries occur during the half pipe, luge, pairs figure skating, and curling competitions.
“But the straw that broke our backs was that ski around and shoot at people event,” Singer said. “Half these ‘sports’ seem like something out of one of those ‘Saw’ movies.”
Even medalists have suffered serious and traumatic injuries during the Sochi Olympics
Similarly, discussing Olympians or any combination of Shaun White, skating neon Pink Panther themed German dildos, or disappearing toilets also is banned. Singer added that although the ban on dildos is not new she likes to reinforce that message at every opportunity since it was first included in guidelines issued last month for proper hand washing.
“We’re trying to save lives here, people!” Singer screamed for no apparent reason. “We have a mandate!”
Violations of the ban will be enforced by roving vans packed with Agents of Hygiene. However, HHS officials encourage reports by members of the public on potential violations by neighbors, relatives and random strangers.
Injuries in the Winter Olympics, like the recent decapitation during the Curling event (above), has lead the town of Coma to implement a ban on the popular sporting event
Residents administratively determined to have violated the HHS ban will face a minimum of a six month “sanitation quarantine.”
“We don’t want to prejudge it but we may extend the ban to the Summer Olympics if any injuries occur,” Singer said. “Although without all of this slippery snow I’m not sure how dangerous gymnastics or diving, for instance, could be.”
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