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By Coma News Staff
After nearly 83 hours of competition, officials at the First Annual Coma Hooked On Phonics Spelling Bee decided the competition would end in a tie and awarded first place to 72 young competitors.
I think we underestimated the creative ways in which people could spell words using phonetics,” the event’s Executive Director and Superintendent, John Barry, said. “Short of spelling a word without any vowels, just about every answer was deemed acceptable.”
The contest, which was sponsored by the popular reading program Hooked On Phonics, was designed to promote literacy by emphasizing the way children learn to read by spelling out words phonetically. As part of that effort, contestants were allowed to use phonetic spellings of words for their answers.
A total of 73 contestants entered the event, which went on uninterrupted for almost 83 hours. Only one contestant, Duggar Higgens, was eliminated from the competition amidst controversy after his attempt to spell the word “calisthenics” was deemed incorrect.
ABOVE: Little Duggar Higgens would be the only participant to not win the event after stumbling over the word “calisthenics”
“That was a tough one,” Barry said. “We accepted everything from ‘k-a-l-l-a-s-e-t-i-c-k’ to ‘c-k-e-l-o-s-e-t-t-t-i-q-u-e,’ but that little kid, Buger What’s-his-face, missed the mark by spelling it ‘h-u-j-r-c-a-i-l’. The judges spent nearly 40 minutes discussing before ruling him out of the competition.”
The competition was open to children age eight to twelve and was held at the Coma Community Players Gang-Up Improv and Comedy Sportz Arena last weekend.
ABOVE: Contestant Michael Dunlop is shocked when his spelling of the word “constitute” is accepted by judges. Dunlop spelled the word “K-A-H-N-S-I-T-W-O-O-J-T”, which was deemed an acceptable phonetic spelling of the word, assuming the “J” is silent
“We at Hooked On Phonics were proud to be part of this mag-ni-fa-sent event and are thrilled that so many young spellers showed up to par-tiss-a-pate,” Evelyn Meyers, VP of Public Relations for Hooked On Phonics, said in a press release. “We have always insisted that any child that tries to read or spell is a winner and in this case, that was true, except for little Duggar Higgens.”
Hurley said that while no event has been confirmed for next year, it would be difficult to imagine the event not happening.
“We called it the First Annual, so, that kind of paints us into a corner,” Barry said. “I think we will have to do it again. This time, we may require the kids to actually spell the words correctly. I don’t know how that’s going to go over with the Hooked on Whatever people but this was kind of a disaster.”
Bigfoot Sighting at Pick-up Basketball Game
By Coma News Staff
A pick-up basketball game at the Coma City Park was interrupted last week after participants claimed a Sasquatch sat down near the court and indicated he “got next”. The incident marks the third reported sighting of bigfoot in Coma this year and left witnesses shaken.
“I almost crapped myself,” Coma teen Chase Donovan said. “Can I say ‘crapped myself’ on an internet news site?”
According to eyewitnesses, the giant, hair-covered figure emerged from a nearby restroom midway through a friendly, yet competitive, three-on-three basketball game. After watching from afar for several minutes, Bigfoot approached a bench near the court, relaced his shoes and then sat down.
Artist sketch of the reported bigfoot that sat on a park bench hoping to get in on a game of basketball with local teens
“He started tapping his chest and pointing to himself,” Donovan said. “Then he pretended to shoot a basketball and dribble and kept pointing to himself. We finally realized he was calling next game.”
According to amateur cryptozoologist, Micah Horncraft, while it is rare for Bigfoot to play recreational team sports, it is not unheard of.
“There have been accounts of Bigfoot engaging in volleyball games and even gymnastics,” Horncraft said. “It is much more common for them to stick to their own cultural games like hit-stick-rock and leaf-on-head-leaf-tucked-in-shoe-don’t-touch-leaf.
Donovan said that he and his friends left the court following their game but watched from a distance as bigfoot sat slumped on the park bench shaking his head.
“I think he was sad that no one wanted to play with him,” Donovan said. “But forget that. Who wants to match up with him in the paint?”
Local Woman Struggles to Sell Homemade Baseball Card Collection
By Coma News Staff
Coma self proclaimed screenwriter and artist, Dee Collins, revealed this week that despite her best efforts, sales for her homemade baseball card collection have been “meager” at best. Collins began making the cards in her spare time nearly three years ago to assemble one of the most impressive card collections in the region while generating additional income through sales.
“Whoever said ‘the easiest path to making millions is to create homemade baseball cards’ was full of it,” Collins said.
Collins said she was surprised her hand-crafted cards have not sold considering each card is a “one-of-a-kind collectible”.
Above: This rare Albert Pujols card was created by Collins shortly after the all-star first baseman signed with the Angels last year
Collins first sale to Micah Horncraft of Coma fell apart at the last minute.
“None of the cards feature a holographic watermark that changes colors,” Horncraft said. “I only purchase authentic Fleer or Upper Deck cards because they have higher re-sell values.”
Above: Card for an unidentified Oakland A’s pitcher. Collins said she couldn’t remember who it was supposed to be but thinks it could apply to most of the pitchers on the Athletics’ staff
Collins, who in her mind is an accomplished writer, has completed nearly one-thousand screenplays and said she will likely try to bundle the cards with her screenplays to create additional value.
“I’m working on screenplay sequels to ‘Field of Dreams‘ and ‘The Natural,” Collins said. “Actually, I’m also working on a sequel to ‘Moneyball‘, which takes place in outer space and a prequel to ‘Eight Men Out.'”
‘Jean Racers’ Host First Meet
In what organizers called a first-of-its-kind event, the inaugural Jean Racers track meet took place near Coma High School yesterday afternoon. Featuring athletes who compete in foot races wearing a variety of popular jeans, the event was organized by Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy and included nearly six participants.
“This is the future of organized sports,” Dr. Jimmy said about the event. “Jean racing combines humanity’s passion for foot racing with the undying desire to have denim close to one’s skin at all times.”
The new organization is officially called the JRL or Jean Racing League. Competitors can choose to compete in a wide range of races. Races are between 40 meters and 100 meters. Racers may participate in as many races as they like but must wear the specified jean style of each race. For example, yesterday’s first event was the 50-meter baggy jean sprint. It was followed by the 75-meter skinny-jean race, which ended prematurely after all four participants collapsed half-way through the contest. Instead of medals, JRL race winners are awarded stylish leather belts.
The event featured six male participants ranging in age from 13 to 54 years old. It was held on Jefferson Street, near Coma High School. Several events had to be re-run due to car interference. Dr. Jimmy said that while the event wasn’t perfect, he was encouraged by what he called a “promising start.”
Dr. Jimmy prepares for race at yesterday’s inaugural Jean Racing League event.
“While I don’t think it’s ‘Olympics-ready’ right now, I don’t have to stretch my imagination very far to see it going in that direction in the near future,” Dr. Jimmy said. “Unlike traditional track and field sprinting, you don’t need a giant stadium or fancy running clothes. Just show up in some amazing Wranglers or Levis and you’re racing.”
The league’s next event is planned for next Tuesday afternoon at 3 p.m. and will take place on Sixth Street, site of the former Grape Hut. The event is open to all ages and participants can register on the day of the event. Planned races for next week include:
– 50 meter Boot Cut
– 40 meter Boot Cut (no belt)
– 75 meter Wranglers
– 50 meter Baggy Jeans
– 63 meter Levi Classic (by invitation only)
– 20 meter Skinny Jean (NEW!)
– 100 meter Bell Bottom
– 100 meter Relaxed-Fit Relay
A participant warms up for a race.
Coma Artist Sells Collectible World Cup Illustrations
By Coma News Staff
Inspired by the recent soccer match between the United States and Portugal, which resulted in a draw for the Americans, Coma artist and writer, Dee Collins, announced this week she will release a series of collectible illustrations to commemorate the 2014 World Cup.
Entitled “Soccer In A Series of Hand-Drawn Illustrations: Snapshots of the Greatest Moments of the World Cup Soccer Tournament in Brazil in 2014 by Dee Collins,“ the first piece in the collection will be released today and features American Clint Dempsey celebrating a goal in the match versus Portugal.
Collins captured the magic from the United States’ recent match against Portugal in this stunning illustration. The series will be available to purchase later this week.
“Photographs fail to capture the essence of the moment,” Collins said. “An artist’s brush can immortalize a moment like no other medium.”
Collins said prints would be available in full-color 8.5″ x 11″ copies or black and white copies for a reduced price. While she has not yet set a price for the work, Collins said she hoped to keep it affordable.
“I can’t see these pieces selling for more than eighty or ninety dollars each,” Collins said. “We’ll see where the demand is on the pre-orders and go from there. My hope is children young and old will be able to afford one or two in the series and cherish them for a lifetime.”
Collins said that while she is not necessarily a soccer fan, she has watched several highlights of this year’s World Cup and saw photos on popular news websites like CNN and Yahoo. Additional illustrations in the series will be unveiled weekly until the tournament wraps up in July.
Healing Hearts One Ball at a Time
When local resident and Coma basketball celebrity Micah Horncraft launched a basketball camp this summer for aspiring superstar students the unexpected happened: Hearts were healed.
Horncraft launched the camp, Dream Team, less than a year after he went unselected in the 2013 NBA draft.
“I knew it was no sure thing since I had never played team basketball but it was still devastating,” Horncraft said about his NBA experience.
But failing to garner interest from a single NBA team was still enough to propel Horncraft into the ranks of local celebrity, which attracted a capacity inaugural class to his basketball camp for local teens and young adults.
“It’s kind of cool because, you know, he was almost in the NBA, or whatever,” said Chase Donovan, a camp enrollee.
“His drills are really different.”
Horncraft’s camp also has drawn attention for its enrollees’ participation in various activities that appear unrelated to basketball, such as helping him curate his museum.
“It’s amazing that even cut-rate local celebrity turns people into drooling zombies,” said Robert McGuiness, the only middle-aged camp enrollee.
It remains to be seen if any Dream Team graduates will go on to fame and fortune but Horncraft already considers the camp a success.
“Helping kids and that older gentleman has really allowed me to heal from my heartbreaking experience with the NBA,” Horncraft said.
Horncraft, above, said he is considering next launching an all-star ultimate fighting academy.
Horncraft, who was not invited to participate in any pre-draft workouts or camps, said a lot of getting drafted has more to do with “who you know” and indicated he would work harder over the next year to develop contacts “in the right circles.”
An Edge for ‘Moms’ in Boost-Off 2014?
By Coma News Staff
The women’s team hopes a secret weapon will give them the edge in Coma Boost-Off 2014, the parent-fan competition that just started a new season.
Competitive Moming hopes to reverse its fortunes from last season, when a three-judge panel of Coma leaders awarded the over-the-top parent booster crown to Digdeep Dads. What’s the moms’ secret this year? An Internet detective to ferret out any booster shortcomings among the dads.
Sports are competitive but not as competitive as parenting.
“We can spend 25 hours each and every week attending soccer, baseball and basketball practices and these guys get the same points from the judges just for showing up at a couple games and yelling inappropriate comments,” said Dee Collins, captain of the Moms.
Competitive Moming can only do so much to win when they don’t actually like to watch baseball.
Marybell Davis, owner of LOL Detective Agency, said her preliminary investigation of the Dads has already identified weaknesses.
“They may have made the opening games this season but most have already made other plans for the coming weekends,” Davis said. “Their wives have posted the Dad’s’ schedules on Facebook.”
But what the Dads’ lack in consistency they make up for in intensity, said Jax Owen, captain of the Dads.
“My youngest son is my retirement plan,” Owen said about six-year-old Trigger Owen. “Seriously, I haven’t saved a penny, so if my son doesn’t get to the Majors then I’m gonna be homeless when I retire. And you better believe he knows that.”
