Tag: Shopping

Report: Mayor Stares at Baby for Excessively Long Time

by Coma News Staff

According to eyewitness accounts, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson made onlookers “uncomfortable” this week after staring at a baby in a local grocery store for more than eight minutes without breaking eye contact.  Several sources stated that what started as a fun, light-hearted interaction between the mayor and the infant quickly devolved into a strange, often intense stare-down by the mayor.

“I saw him (Mayor Anderson) stop and look at the baby and he said something and laughed,” Chase Donovan said. “Then he just stood there staring at the baby.  He didn’t say anything.  He just stared.  A big, awkward grin on his face.”

ABOVE: A baby that may or may not resemble the baby from the staring incident

ABOVE: A baby that may or may not resemble the baby from the staring incident

The baby was sitting in baby seat inside a shopping cart.  The mother, Andrea Smith-Smith wife of Bob Smith-Smith and cashier at Bob’s Mart, declined to comment initially smiled at the mayor.  As seconds turned into minutes, the mother appeared to grow more and more concerned according to witnesses.

“She looked over her shoulder a couple times as she walked away,” Chase Donovan said. “After a few feet, she started to trot and really picked up the pace before disappering down the cereal aisle.”

Anderson was confronted by the media about the incident this week and stated while he did nothing wrong or intentionally inappropriate, he admitted to having some challenges in certain social settings.

“In a nutshell, is eight minutes too long to stare at a stranger’s baby in a supermarket?” Anderson asked reporters. “Where is the line between polite and creepy? It’s eight minutes, right?”

Anderson later elaborated that he only intended to stop briefly to compliment the baby but once he settled into his fixed gaze he “lost track of time” and found the infant bore a striking resemblance to a “newborn Robert Downey Jr.”  The mayor added he has learned his lesson from the incident and in the future will keep interactions with newborns to under 30 seconds.

Opinion: My Friend Went to South Sudan and Didn’t Get Me a Cool Souvenir

by Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Daily intern

A friend of mine recently traveled to Juba, South Sudan and he didn’t even bring me back a cool souvenir.  It really bothered me because I thought for sure I would get a cool key chain or a coffee mug with a funny saying on it like “You’re Drinking Java In A Mug From Juba” or something memorable like that.  But he didn’t bring me back anything at all.

When I asked him about it, he said he was too busy working to help build fresh-water wells to provide drinking water to local villages in the area.  He also said it wasn’t “that kind of trip.”


ABOVE: According to my friend, there is a “shortage” of “clean” drinking water in South Sudan. Apparently there is also a “shortage” of postcards because I didn’t get any.

I have a hard time believing he didn’t have at least ten minutes to pop into an ABC Store or some local souvenir shop that sells cool t-shirts that have pictures of wolves or dolphins on them or maybe a bag of some local nut or fruit covered in chocolate.  What I think really happened was he forgot about me.  He probably bought souvenirs for all his other friends but not me.  And then when he realized he failed to get me something he made up a story about how impoverished the region is and they don’t have souvenir shops and he was only there to work and help people have greater access to clean drinking water.


ABOVE: Even a cool neon vest like the one pictured above would have been a nice souvenir.

ABOVE: Even a cool neon vest like the one pictured above would have been a nice souvenir.

People dont’t go to fun, exotic places like Juba, South Sudan and NOT get souvenirs for their closest friends.  Maybe he lost track of his souvenir shopping list in between Mai-Tais or Pina Coladas.  Maybe he spent all his money on a zip-line excursion through the rich, fertile jungles of South Sudan. Whatever his reason, I just wish he would be honest with me and tell me he forgot to get me something.

Like a beach towel featuring images of South Sudan’s most popular tourist attractions or native wildlife.  Or even a baseball cap with a fun saying on it like “Chillin’ Juba Style”.

I don’t think it would have been too much to ask of him to get a small gift or token to show he was thinking of me while enjoying the all-inclusive amenities of what was certainly a top-notch hotel resort.  Maybe he’s not really a friend after all.