Tag: Rayland

Town Council Haiku Reading Erupts in Violence

By Coma News Staff

The reading of Robert McGuiness’ poetry at Coma’s Town Council meeting Thursday was cut short due to an altercation over ¬†allegations that his winning poem was not a “fuckin Haiku,” as written.

Councilman Bob Smith-Smith, who does not write poems or watch TV but does read Wikipedia, leveled the allegations.

“It’s pretty simple.” Smith-Smith said. “The Wikipedia explicitly states that a Haiku is in fact a 5-7-5 syllable poem that also includes allusions to seasons. The second verse in this Haiku has what I believe is 8 to 9 syllables and has no allusions to seasons but instead alludes to pants.”
Soon after the allegations flew so did chairs thrown by McGuiness, who was flanked by a keg and burlesque dancers.

“It’s a poem!” McGuiness said. “It doesn’t have to make sense. Haven’t you read that chick Plath?”
Representatives from Comcast, HBO and FX, all of which sponsored the poetry contest in varying ways, did not respond to requests for comment. A representative for Timothy Olyphant, who asked for anonymity to protect his safety, defended the actor’s choice of pants as “showing character.”

“We need to call in an expert to investigate this Hai-coup,” said Mayor Anderson.

Unfortunately, the only Coma resident qualified to assess the poem’s technical merits, Sadie Cracker, was not immediately available.

Cracker, whose English graduate degree from NYU has given her comprehensive grammatical knowledge over questions like when to use a semi-colon and what constitutes a haiku, is traveling. And it is unclear when Cracker will conclude her cross-country search for both the Zombie apocalypse and her sometimes, younger boyfriend.

Council members discussed sending Cracker a telegram if her location can be determined or sky writing a plea for her to call and provide insight on this very serious matter.The poem in question is below:

Justified Pants (a fuckin’ Haiku)
Rayland your jeans fit
Boyd’s rolled jeans are criminal
limited cowboy