Tag: politics

Mayor Downplays Second Altercation Involving Primate

by Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson is refuting reports that he had another incident involving a primate last week, despite eyewitness accounts to the contrary.

The alleged incident occurred last Thursday while the mayor was meeting with local business leaders for his monthly “Drinking Coffee with Mayor Dave Anderson” event at town hall.

According to eyewitnesses, the mayor was fielding questions about potential tax breaks for local businesses when a Barbary macaque entered the room and began taunting the mayor.

“It was the weirdest thing,” said one eyewitness who wished to remain anonymous. “At first I thought it was a Rhesus macaque but upon closer inspection I was like, ‘nah, that’s definitely a Barbary macaque.’”

mayor and macaque

ABOVE: Witnesses say Anderson (left) had an intense altercation with a Barbary macaque (right) last week during a town hall-style meeting

The small primate approached Anderson and extended his small, furry hand. Anderson extended his hand to shake and before completing the gesture, the macaque withdrew his hand, slid his hand past his head and then turned and strutted away.

“It was pretty funny,” said one eyewitness. “I’ve seen that gag before. But something about that little macaque doing it was very refreshing.”

Anderson attempted to continue his presentation but appeared flustered. Moments later, the macaque approached Anderson a second time. According to witnesses, the monkey began to mimick the mayor as he spoke.

“He had it down pretty good,” a witness said. “Hand gestures, arm movements. It was just like Dave.”

Anderson allegedly became increasingly agitated as the small primate continued to mock his movements. At one point, Anderson stopped, placed his hands on his hips and shook his head at the monkey. The monkey gave Anderson a “thumbs up” gesture.

“That seemed to cut a lot of the tension in the room,” one witness said. “But then it got ugly.”

According to onlookers, the monkey began to twist his hand slowly. What started as a “thumbs up” became a “thumbs down” gesture. Anderson rushed the monkey and had to be restrained by several advisors and staff members.

“At one point Dave yelled ‘I’m going to cut you mother fucker’” an eyewitness said. “He grabbed a chair and started swinging but fortunately his staff held him back.”

The macaque, according to witnesses, extended a middle finger to the mayor before exiting the room through a side door. Anderson recently admitted to an unfortunate ordeal nearly 12 years ago in which he punched a monkey in the face, knocking out two of the animal’s teeth.

The mayor told reporters on Tuesday the recent incident has been exaggerated and that there was really nothing to talk about.

“Did I go after a monkey with a chair?” Anderson asked. “Maybe. But who is to say that in some alternate reality the monkey didn’t try to attack me with a chair? Why is no one talking about that possibility?”

Anderson refused to comment further. The macaque has not been seen since the incident occurred last week.

Mayor Shows Off Newly Discovered Excel Skills

by Coma News Staff

Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week he has recently “taken up” Microsoft Excel and vowed to use the popular software program to improve press conferences, share important data and to generally “add more cool technology” to the town’s government.

Anderson, who included several large-print graphs and pie charts during his announcement, said he stumbled upon Excel by accident while trying to open the YouTube link on his desktop.

“The little icon had always been there,” Anderson said. “But I assumed it was a program only accountants or scientists used. Not mayors. It’s so cool.”

ABOVE: Anderson shares a graph he recently made after discovering Microsoft Excel by accident. “It’s so cool,” the mayor told reporters.

The mayor started “playing around” with the program and quickly discovered a number of interesting features and useful purposes he believes can help city government be more “big time.”

Anderson shared several of his projects at the press conference, including his very first Excel project; a smiley face made by filling cells with different colors.

“It’s not only a great tool for making graphs,” Anderson said. “You can also use it for art. It’s so cool.”

Excel star wars

ABOVE: Anderson’s pie chart revealing his favorite Star Wars characters by percentage points

According to his critics, Anderson’s announcement lacked real substance and once again demonstrated the three-term mayor’s ability to divert attention from real issues.

“They were rudimentary at best,” former council member Bob Smith-Smith said of the mayor’s charts. “He clearly has a tenuous grasp on analytics, data and statistics. One graph was dedicate to the types of graphs he had made so far. What purpose does that serve?”

Anderson said he felt “re-energized” by the software tool and he looked forward to using it daily to help run the government more efficiently.

The mayor shared several charts, including a pie chart that showed his favorite Star Wars characters and one showing the types of coffee he enjoys drinking (dark roast).

“I fail to see the relevance in explaining to the press your favorite Star Wars character,” Smith-Smith said. “And, ‘Yoga?’ I mean, was that a typo or does he actually think there is a Star Wars character named Yoga?”

Anderson cut the press conference short and said he wanted to continue to explore the “cool” program further.

“There are dozens of things you can use it for,” Anderson said. “You can make lists. You can do other stuff. I think we’re just scratching the surface. It’s so cool.”


Mayor “Tired” of ‘Monkey Puncher’ Reputation

by Coma News Staff

Mayor Dave Anderson confided to reporters this week that he has grown weary of his reputation as the “Monkey Puncher” following an unfortunate incident he was involved in nearly 12 years ago.

Anderson, often speaking in hushed tones, said he feared he would “never live down” a nickname and reputation born on what he called a “disastrous” day more than a decade ago.

“I mean, apparently, you punch a monkey in the face one time and…you know…you get a reputation as a guy who goes around punching monkeys in the face,” Anderson said.

It was a rare moment for the mayor, who has been described in the past as guarded, aloof and even apathetic. Anderson shared details of the “disastrous” day for the first time publicly.

mayor and monkey

ABOVE: Anderson (left) recounted the story of how he punched a monkey, similar to the one in the photo above (right), to earn the nickname “Monkey Puncher”

According to Anderson, he and some friends had just finished having lunch at Mike’s Pig Meat Restaurant when the restaurant’s owner, Mike Holliman, invited Anderson and his party out back to see a pet monkey one of Holliman’s friends brought with him.

“We were just looking at this monkey and it was kind of just bouncing around a little bit,” Anderson said. “And then it looked at me and spit in my face.”

Anderson said his friends laughed at the incident. At first, Anderson thought that while it was incredibly rude, it was a “little funny.”

But Anderson said things took a turn for the worst when the monkey began to mock him incessantly. At one point, the monkey pointed to Anderson, then plugged its nose and made a “stinky face”. Next, the monkey pointed to its buttocks, then to Anderson and then plugged its nose again.

“I’ve never been a big bathroom humor guy,” Anderson said. “So, strike one, monkey. I mean, first of all I didn’t smell like his butt. I’m sure of that. It’s just not very original.”

According to Anderson, the monkey continued to mock him. At one point, the monkey pointed at Anderson and then began to walk around, pushing its belly forward and kind of stumbling as it ambled down the sidewalk before pointing again at Anderson to suggest the Mayor was overweight and walked in an unusual manner.

“That was it for me,” Anderson said. “Everyone was laughing like it was real funny but it was derivative at best and completely inaccurate.”

Anderson said he punched the monkey square in the mouth, bloodying the animal’s lip and making its eyes water. The animal scurried quickly to its owner and hid behind his leg, trembling in fear.

“And somehow, I became the bad guy,” Anderson told reporters. “I get humiliated in front of my friends, try to defend my honor and at the end of the day, I’m the bad guy. Explain that to me. Please! Because I still don’t understand it.”

Soon after the incident, Anderson began hearing references to himself as the “monkey puncher.” It is a nickname that has stuck with him through more than three terms in office.

“Maybe one day people will forget that I punched a monkey in the face and knocked out two of its teeth,” Anderson said. “But people just love to focus on negative things.”

Mayor Forgets Where He Put Copy of Budget

The town of Coma’s planned budget review was derailed last night when Coma mayor Dave Anderson admitted to council members he had misplaced copies of the proposed annual budget.

Claiming he may have accidentally used it to sketch pictures of futuristic car designs during a recent meeting,  Anderson stopped short of offering a full-blown apology and suggested the budget review continue based on “odds and ends” he remembered from the nearly 400-page document.

“I like to sketch flying cars,” the mayor told the council during the three-hour meeting.  “If that makes me a bad person, then…I guess I’m a bad person.”

While several council members grilled the mayor repeatedly about the incident, Anderson deflected the criticism and focused instead on his conceptual drawings.

“I’m doing designs that are probably 20 to 30 years ahead of their time,” Anderson told a confused-looking council.  “I’m conceptualizing four-door sedans that can fly.  Nobody else is doing sketches like that. Last week I sketched a flying 1998 Kia Concord! People don’t have the balls to sketch the types of flying cars I do.  And all you guys care about is where the stupid budget went? Priorities much?”


ABOVE: Mayor Anderson’s conceptual drawing of 1998 Kia Concord

One council member, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed immense frustration at the irresponsible behavior of the town’s elected leader.  “He is betraying his fiduciary responsibilities in favor of child-like musings and poorly-crafted aircraft designs,” the council member said. “From strictly an engineering standpoint, most of those craft could not safely take flight or stay air-born for very long.  Maybe 20 seconds.  Maybe.”

Anderson told council members he recalled “pieces” from the proposed budget, including “a few hundo” for small equipment purchases by the parks department.  Ultimately, the budget review was postponed until next week to give Anderson time to find the budget.

“It’s probably buried somewhere in my ‘dream locker’, which is where I keep my sketches and drawings and predictions about stuff,” Anderson said.



Tragic Ending to First Annual Jaywalk-A-Thon


Although originally conceived as a way to reinvigorate the monotony of the standard Walk-A-Thon event, the first annual Coma Jaywalk-A-Thon quickly earned its way on to the official list of “Coma’s Really Bad Ideas.”

By Coma News Staff

Created by Micah Horncraft with a goal to raise money to help find a cure for a yet to be identified disease, Horncraft insists he began with the greatest of intentions.

“This was going to be a fun and energetic new way to help raise money for worthwhile causes,” Horncraft said.  “And even though several people died and countless others were severely injured, I still think this event raised some money and awareness.”

The Jaywalk-A-Thon was held on a Friday in downtown Coma.  More than 400 participants turned out for the event, which got underway with a bagel and coffee kickoff event near the Coma Cemetery.  Late in the afternoon, participants, who raised money through a series of pledges, took off toward the town’s bustling streets.

“I was really charged up,” Chase Donovan, 16, said.  “This was my first fundraising activity I had ever taken part in.  It was so cool.  Then, about a block into it, my friend got struck down by a bus. He’s okay though. The bus was coming to a stop.”

Donovan said that while he would consider participating in future events, he’s going to be a bit more careful in choosing the activity as well as the cause.

“Apparently, they never got around to choosing a disease to benefit,” Donovan said.  “I thought that was kind of odd.  Also, the more I think about it the more I think unleashing hundreds of people onto busy streets during the middle of rush hour is probably not the best idea either.  But you live and you learn.  Well, unfortunately not everyone who participated lived.”

Aside from the more than 30 reported car accidents, the event also resulted in the deaths of three participants not to mention the nearly 40 others who suffered critical injuries.

Ironically, the tragedy of the First Annual Jaywalk-A-Thon helped generate several other fundraising events, the proceeds of which went directly to benefit participants of the Jaywalk-A-Thon.

“You can’t make this shit up,” said Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib .  “I think it’s nice that people want to help charities and try to cure diseases, but let the professionals handle it.  If you’re not sure who the professional organizations are, just ask them whether or not multiple people have ever lost their lives during one of their events.  That’s a good place to start.”

Horncraft, however, remains undeterred by what he calls a “minor setback.”

“Our biggest mistake was probably not identifying a charity or disease sooner in the process. That’s probably the one thing I would change,” Horncraft said.  “But shit, I didn’t realize how much work these things were and we kind of just forgot all about that part.”

Horncraft said plans were already underway for a second annual event, planned for next spring.  He said he will definitely make some adjustments based on lessons he learned from the first event.

“We’re probably going to hold it in the evening,” Horncraft said.  “There are a lot fewer cars driving around the streets at night time.  That will help a lot.”

Report: Mayor Stares at Baby for Excessively Long Time

by Coma News Staff

According to eyewitness accounts, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson made onlookers “uncomfortable” this week after staring at a baby in a local grocery store for more than eight minutes without breaking eye contact.  Several sources stated that what started as a fun, light-hearted interaction between the mayor and the infant quickly devolved into a strange, often intense stare-down by the mayor.

“I saw him (Mayor Anderson) stop and look at the baby and he said something and laughed,” Chase Donovan said. “Then he just stood there staring at the baby.  He didn’t say anything.  He just stared.  A big, awkward grin on his face.”

ABOVE: A baby that may or may not resemble the baby from the staring incident

ABOVE: A baby that may or may not resemble the baby from the staring incident

The baby was sitting in baby seat inside a shopping cart.  The mother, Andrea Smith-Smith wife of Bob Smith-Smith and cashier at Bob’s Mart, declined to comment initially smiled at the mayor.  As seconds turned into minutes, the mother appeared to grow more and more concerned according to witnesses.

“She looked over her shoulder a couple times as she walked away,” Chase Donovan said. “After a few feet, she started to trot and really picked up the pace before disappering down the cereal aisle.”

Anderson was confronted by the media about the incident this week and stated while he did nothing wrong or intentionally inappropriate, he admitted to having some challenges in certain social settings.

“In a nutshell, is eight minutes too long to stare at a stranger’s baby in a supermarket?” Anderson asked reporters. “Where is the line between polite and creepy? It’s eight minutes, right?”

Anderson later elaborated that he only intended to stop briefly to compliment the baby but once he settled into his fixed gaze he “lost track of time” and found the infant bore a striking resemblance to a “newborn Robert Downey Jr.”  The mayor added he has learned his lesson from the incident and in the future will keep interactions with newborns to under 30 seconds.

I’ll Stop Using the Nutshell Reference if You Stop Asking Hard Questions

Guest Editorial by Coma Mayor Dave Anderson

Recently I’ve been getting a lot of criticism for my incessant use of the term “…in a nutshell.” I will admit I probably have been over-using this term quite a bit recently.  It’s sort of my default response to challenging, difficult questions.

Last week, for example, I was at a Coma Rotary luncheon and someone asked me about my plans for police reform in Coma.  I was caught off guard by this question.  My response was thoughtful, if not completely informative.  I said to the gentleman, “In a nutshell, this is something we are going to have to address.”

I realize now that not only did that answer not provide any tangible information, it likely was a mis-use of the term altogether.


About a month ago, at a city council meeting, I was put on the spot about the budget, or something about spending or not having enough money or…something like that.  I responded by saying “we’ve got a clear and effective plan regarding this thing you just asked me about.  In a nutshell, it’s a real good plan.”

Again, I think I probably failed to impart anything resembling helpful, useful information or knowledge.  But when you back a baby wolverine into a corner, well, you gonna get stung.

Perhaps the most gratuitous use of this term occurred a couple weeks ago at dinner with a few friends.  When the waitress grilled me about what I’d like to eat, I replied “In a nutshell, I want some good food that will satisfy my appetite.”

It's dark inside of the nutshell.

It’s dark inside of the nutshell.

It’s to the point now where this response is automatic.  It’s embedded deep inside my subconscious.  But I know I can do better.  I want to do better.  In a nutshell, I want to be the mayor you have elected multiple times to serve you with integrity and accountability.  In a nutshell, I want to be the best mayor this town has had since Morley Pfifer.

That is why I am proposing an arrangement with the media, my peers and anyone else who I may come into contact with; I vow not to use the “nutshell” phrase if you vow to stop asking me challenging and complex questions on the spot.

If we can work together, we can eradicate this terrible habit.

Thank you for your support and cooperation.

Editors Note: The Mayor does not understand that Coma  is a Town and not a city and therefor has a Town Council and not a City Council. 

Local Teen Petitions Town Council to Adopt “Free Money” Initiative

by Coma News Staff

Local teen Chase Donovan is spearheading what some of his teen friends are calling a “radical” campaign that would revolutionize Coma’s currency system.  Donovan calls the plan the Free Money Initiative and claims it will end poverty, hunger, and suffering for many citizens in Coma and, “maybe even the world”.

“Think about it; if money was free, people would have enough to buy whatever they needed,” Donovan said of his plan.  “People just go to a store or something and the people there ask them how much they need and you just tell them how much you need and they give it to you and you go and buy whatever you want.”

Donovan hatched the plan during Mr. Schumacher’s current events class (fourth period) last spring.  He said the idea stuck with him and made so much sense.  After sharing the idea with other teen friends, who agreed that such an idea would end poverty and child malnutrition, Donovan developed a petition designed to attract attention from city council and create a free-money store in Coma.

teen 2

ABOVE: Donovan says his plan would allow people to get money any time they wanted to buy whatever they need and it wouldn’t cost them anything

The petition has been signed by nearly two dozen citizens thus far, although Donovan admitted that all of them are underage and unable to vote.  Supporters say such a plan will ensure a bright and successful future for generations to come.


“I’d love to just have tons of money whenever I want it,” Lance Tucker, 16, said of the initiative. “You just wake up and think about what you want to do and just go to the money shop and they give you the money?  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…I’d be like ‘Yup.'”

Opponents call the plan irresponsible and cite the crushing impact it would have on an already fragile economy and currency system. “It’s pretty clear that no one in their right mind should let a teenager decide economic policy for this town.” said Jax Owen, local businessman and town council member. “Especially when that teenager never had a paying job.”

Donovan, however, said he is not deterred by such criticism.

“Think about it,” Donovan said.

While Donovan said he will continue to collect signatures for “as long as it takes,” at last count the petition was still 10,000 signatures short of the 10,000 signatures of registered voters required to force council action.