Tag: political infighting

‘Sergeant Sausage’ to Win Conflict Resolution Derby

By Thomas Steven John, Coma News future beat reporter

Robert “Sargent Sausage” McGuiness will triumph Saturday during Coma’s food-focused annual “Conflict Derby.” The event, which uses a team-based car demolition derby held at the Coma Fairgrounds to resolve sticky social issues moving Coma residents into conflict, has become a crowd favorite.

McGuiness' souped up Merecedes M Class made it through the 2013 Conflict Resolution Derby - resolving the issue of "cow polution" - relatively unscathed.

McGuiness’ souped up Merecedes M Class made it through the 2013 Conflict Resolution Derby – resolving the issue of “cow polution” – relatively unscathed.

“There’s nothing like 3,000lbs of steel to drive your political point home and resolve a conflict,” Mayor Dave Anderson said about the event that also funds Coma High School’s drivers’ education program. “Of course, we’re under court orders to say ‘This is not an endorsement of aggressive driving. Blah, blah, blah.'”
The outcome, which came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream, surprised McGuiness the most.
“I’m a horrible driver and I only agreed to participate again because I was told hot chicks were involved,” McGuiness said. “But that seems largely untrue for the other teams except for Sadie Cracker.”

“Not sure how I got involved in this,” said Sadie Cracker, in an over the phone interview with children screaming in the background.
McGuiness’ team, the Meatlover Mashers, narrowly defeated the Vegg-a-girls to settle an increasingly acrimonious political debate that has gripped the town in recent months.
One of the leaders of the Vegg-a-girls, Town Councilwoman Natalie Peters, narrowly missed eliminating McGuiness with a nasty T-bone impact while screaming “It’s time to evolve!”
“I just hope I do well enough to honor the memory of my deceased parakeet,” Peters said. “Between the two of us, he was the real fan of demolition derby.”

McGuiness was able to win largely because of his strategy of alternately pretending his vehicle was already disabled and hiding new the edge of the arena.
“Sounds about right,” McGuiness said.

Squeezing Out A Love of Politics

By Coma News Staff
Are you really into PDA? Do you wish there was more interpersonal contact in politics? Do you have a lot of time on your hands?
If you answered yes to any of those questions then Coma’s newest political party may be for you.
Organizing for Hugs (OH) was launched this week by the founder of Hug Club, a private club devoted to private displays of affection.
Jax Owen, the club’s founder and OH’s first candidate for public office, said the club was expanding its focus after its early success.
Started in 2013, Hug Club had only two “guiding principles”: You have to like hugs and you must be a woman.
“Obviously, as the founder that second rule does not apply to me,” Owen said.
OH’s platform is that no one is above a hug or the law. The party also will accept the financial and electoral support of men.

jax-town-council-signs
OH “is all inclusive,” Owen said. “It will wrap you up in its big, strong arms and tell you ‘don’t be afraid’ and whisper in your ear ‘you’re hot,'” Owen said.
The evolution of private clubs into political parties is not unprecedented, said Stan Bargmeyer, Coma historian.
“In the 1850s, the Whig party splinter group, the Mule Stuffers, turned their taxidermy club into quite the political force,” Bargmeyer said.
Not all town leaders were enthusiastic about the launch of OH.
“This initiative threatens our long tradition of non-partisanship on the Town Council,” said Mayor Dave Anderson. “It also makes me really uncomfortable.”