Tag: micah horncraft

I am Fed Up With the Lack of Quality Ham Radio Operators in Coma

by Micah Horncraft, President of Coma Futurist Society, Owner of a ‘tiny house’

Us ham radio guys like two things in this world; quality dialogue about ham radio correspondence and early twentieth century technology. I am at my wit’s end with the utter lack of quality ham radio operators in the region and am ready to give up and pursue more “rewarding experiences” such as CB communication in my smart car or rebuilding (and reselling) typewriters for college students and selling them on ebay.

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Like most people, I first fell in love with the ham radio as a teenager.  Since that time, it has become clear that more and more young people are picking up smart phones and tablets instead of the ham radio.  This is troubling to me because there is a whole generation who is not going to have the experience of operating a complicated ham radio.  Additionally, they will miss out on the stimulating conversation, joke telling and discussions about frequency changes you just don’t get on popular social media like Twitter.

It used to be I could spend a whole evening discussing things like where a person was transmitting from, what objects were in the room they were transmitting from, what the weather was like in their area or even about what other ham radio operators they had contacted that evening.  It was captivating because it was real.  And it was fun!  Sometimes I’d make stuff up by telling the person I was speaking to that there was a fairly strong wind gust in my area!  And they’d believe it! Of course I would tell them the truth eventually; it was only slightly overcast with a forty-percent chance of rain.  But nobody got hurt and it was understood that sometimes ham radio operators would make up stuff regarding weather.

So I am issuing a challenge to our community’s young people; put down your smart phones and pagers and pick up a ham radio! Start to engage with people on a whole new level.  Experience meaningful conversations about proper radio etiquette, popular styles of receivers and headphones and discussions about hypothetical FCC regulatory matters. Your life will be richer and my nights will be far more interesting.

Coma Citizens Show Bald Support for Woman’s Stark Loss

micah and wife 2

By Coma News Staff

In what one witness has described as a “terrible, terrible accident” Coma resident Micah Horncraft “accidentally” shaved off all his wife’s hair and sold it on eBay. Horncraft claims the incident happened while the couple watched Antique Roadshow on PBS but declined to give more information as the couple is still trying to piece together the event.

“I messed up,” said Horncraft, Director of the Coma Futurist Society and former owner of  The Grape Hut.  “A series of unexpected events culminated in me shaving my wife bald and selling her hair.”

Horncraft was mortified to learn that his eBay auction item #155-98452-098332 had closed and he would be receiving a check for $14.60 but used the money to purchase lunch at da’Foot Bucket on Monday for his wife.

“The couple will not file charges against Antique Roadshow or Ebay,” says Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib. “And that’s a relief because everyone loves Antique Roadshow. I just had a hummel appraised by them for $450.”

“Not sure how you ‘accidentally’ shave anything? Seems like something you would do if you were upset with someone,” Robert McGuiness former Coma News reporter said. “In theory a person would have to know you were shaving  them or you would have to have the person tied down or drugged during the process.”

Friends have rallied around Cindy Horncraft creating ‘bald is beautiful’ tee-shirts and sending casseroles and wigs to support the family during this difficult time.

“Bald or not she’s still a very effective woman,” commented Horncraft’s friend and avid ghost hunter Jax Owen. Owen, Car Dealer and now running for political office in Coma, has spent months at the couple’s home trying to help them locate a noisy apparition that has made it impossible for them to sleep in the same bed.

 

A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

Healing Hearts One Ball at a Time

By Coma News Staff

When local resident and Coma basketball celebrity Micah Horncraft launched a basketball camp this summer for aspiring superstar students the unexpected happened: Hearts were healed. 
Horncraft launched the camp, Dream Team, less than a year after he went unselected in the 2013 NBA draft.
“I knew it was no sure thing since I had never played team basketball but it was still devastating,” Horncraft said about his NBA experience.
But failing to garner interest from a single NBA team was still enough to propel Horncraft into the ranks of local celebrity, which attracted a capacity inaugural class to his basketball camp for local teens and young adults.
“It’s kind of cool because, you know, he was almost in the NBA, or whatever,” said Chase Donovan, a camp enrollee.
“His drills are really different.”
Horncraft’s camp also has drawn attention for its enrollees’ participation in various activities that appear unrelated to basketball, such as helping him curate his museum.
“It’s amazing that even cut-rate local celebrity turns people into drooling zombies,” said Robert McGuiness, the only middle-aged camp enrollee.
It remains to be seen if any Dream Team graduates will go on to fame and fortune but Horncraft already considers the camp a success.
“Helping kids and that older gentleman has really allowed me to heal from my heartbreaking experience with the NBA,” Horncraft said.
micah the athlete

Horncraft, above, said he  is considering next launching an all-star ultimate fighting academy.

Horncraft, who was not invited to participate in any pre-draft workouts or camps, said a lot of getting drafted has more to do with “who you know” and indicated he would work harder over the next year to develop contacts “in the right circles.”

Fantasy Baseball Team Mounts Dragons this Week

ortiz on dragon 2

 

By Coma News Staff

After a poor start to the season, Coma fantasy baseball manager, Micah Horncraft, announced last night that his all-star lineup would take the field this week atop gold-winged dragons wielding bats crafted from the “finest Cirillian oak from the forest of Eragord.”

“Those who shall dare to pass first base shall suffer the consequences of the old days,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft made the announcement after his team, The Nine Druids of Westhobbin, are in last place two weeks in to the Major League Baseball season.  Horncraft said his team will feature a female warrior named “Ursula the White” and a goblin named “Deadswaug,” who will play shortstop for the fantasy baseball team.

goblin shortstop

Above: Deadswaug, a goblin with a career slugging percentage of .678, according to Horncraft, will play shortstop for Horncraft’s fantasy baseball team this week

Many have questioned the wisdom of inserting fictitious players into a fantasy baseball lineup, however such a move is not unheard of.  Last summer, on his way to a sixth-place finish, Horncraft used a troll named “Hunchmanck” as his starting catcher, saying the 8-foot tall giant would unleash a “scourge on home plate unseen since the days of the Veruvian Wars.”

Horncraft’s opponents said they were not concerned with the announcement.

“I applaud his efforts to put the ‘fantasy’ into fantasy baseball,” avid fantasy baseball player Dr. Jimmy said.  “Considering dragons and goblins aren’t real, don’t play baseball, and don’t generate stats. I don’t see how this could possibly help him win.”

Horncraft was considered benching Los Angeles Angels outfielder Mike Trout in favor of an elvish wizard named “Stoven” but was concerned about the elf’s on-base percentage, which does not exist.

“I’ll track it for another week before making that change,” Horncraft said.  “I hope the dragons will light a fire under everyone’s ass this week.”

Coma Futurist Society to Explore “Future of the Past”

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By Coma News Staff

Citing a natural progression in the evolution of the recently created Coma Futurist Society, curator Micah Horncraft announced this week his organization is planning a new exhibit that will focus on the “future of the past.” The exhibit will explore how the future may have looked to people who lived 50,000 years ago and will include hand-drawn illustrations of the types of objects and tools somebody living in the paleolithic age may have imagined for the future.

“This exhibit really forces the viewer to ask the question, ‘What would I think the future hold if I was sitting on a log in Southeast Asia sucking on the bone marrow of a sabertooth cat some fifty-thousand years ago?'” Horncraft said.  “I think people will be pleasantly surprised at the answers they find.”

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Above: According to Horncraft, paleolithic man likely imagined a futuristic taco made of tree bark, twigs and assorted varieties of grass

The exhibit, which opens next month, includes nearly three dozen items. Horncraft said each piece was meticulously researched and holds historical relevance and accuracy.

“Although we can’t say for certain what paleolithic people would have thought about the future, we think we got pretty damn close,” Horncraft said.

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Above: Paleolithic man’s vision of a futuristic Xbox One gaming system would have resembled a log

According to Horncraft, the exhibit is culturally significant because it not only teaches people that prehistoric man dreamed about the futue but also demonstrates how dumb they were, which contradicts conventional wisdom.

“We typically view prehistoric man as some intelligent and sophisticated guy who went around inventing wheels and fire,” Horncraft said. “What this exhibit demonstrates is that he had a limited grasp of physics, food preparation, technology, board games and filmmaking.”

future of the past 1

Above: According to Horncraft, prehistoric man’s vision of a futuristic microwave oven would have resembled a log

Horncraft dismissed critics who said the exhibit was nothing more than a series of hand-drawn logs and sticks and provided very little real insight into the struggles and experiences prehistoric man encountered on a daily basis.

“Yes, there are a lot of logs but guess what? That’s about all they had back in those times,” Horncraft said. “They had logs and rocks and maybe a gun or knife or something to protect themselves.”

future of the past 2

Above: Prehistoric man likely envisioned future dinosaurs wearing jet packs and wielding kitchen knives

Horncraft said his favorite part of the exhibit features a dinosaur wearing a jet pack and wielding a sharp kitchen knife.

“Talk about shitting your loin cloth,” Horncraft said. “They were already terrified of dinosaurs and then you add a jetpack and cutlery to the mix and you have the ultimate killing machine. I can’t imagine how horrified they were thinking about that.”

The exhibit is expected to open May 2, although a location has yet to be determined.

Coma Couple’s House Haunted?

Micah Horncraft and his wife, Cindy, believe their home may be haunted

Is A Ghost Haunting a Coma Couple’s Home?

By Coma News Staff

Micah Horncraft didn’t want to believe it. “It’s something you see in movies but don’t think could ever happen to you,” the 30-year old husband and curator at the Coma Futurist Society said. “But after seeing the things I’ve seen over the past six months and talking to my wife about it, I am a believer.”

Horncraft and his wife Cindy live in a quiet, serene neighborhood in Coma. The couple has lived in the home for nearly three years. Micah says there was nothing out of the ordinary in regards to their home, but that all changed one rainy afternoon in early May when Micah came home early from work.

“I walked in the front door and could hear this low moaning sound coming from somewhere upstairs,” explained Micah. “It was kind of spooky so I went to investigate. The moaning stopped suddenly. I didn’t know what to make of it. My wife was taking a nap in our bedroom and she said she didn’t hear anything. But she was kind of clammy and out of breath. At the time I didn’t think much of it but later realized she may have had a poltergeist-style experience while she was sleeping.”

From that point on, however, the strange occurrences only escalated. Approximately one week later, Micah discovered a pair of men’s underwear underneath his bed.

underwear

Pair of underwear Micah discovered under his bed. Horncraft believes the men’s underwear were left by the ghost.

“I was at a loss. They weren’t my underwear,” Micah said. “That’s when my wife, Cindy, suggested that the house was haunted.”

At first, Micah didn’t buy it. He thought there had to be another explanation for what was happening.

“Cindy was convinced there was a ghost,” Micah explained. “She said it would explain the moaning sounds I heard. She also said she did some research on the internet and that it’s pretty common for ghosts to steal men’s underwear from one dimension and leave it in our dimension. So things kind of started to make sense.”

In June, Micah discovered an open Trojan condom wrapper in the bathroom, which only intensified the mystery surrounding their wayward spiritual visitor.

“That kind of freaked me out,” he said. “My wife though, who has really remained calm throughout this entire experience, discovered that, once again, this was not out of the ordinary. Apparently some ghosts will have intercourse and then leave their condom wrappers lying around.”

Fortunately for Micah and Cindy, they were not alone in investigating the bizarre supernatural events happening in their home. According to Micah, Jax Owen, a neighbor and used-car salesman, has taken a deep interest in the situation.

Micah's neighbor, Jax Owen has been a huge help to the Horncraft's during their ordeal

Micah’s neighbor, Jax Owen has been a huge help to the Horncrafts during their ordeal

“I don’t know what I would do without Jax’s help,” Micah said. “He’s been there for Cindy and me and has really gone above and beyond in terms of trying to help us make sense of the situation.”

According to Horncraft, Owen became involved in July. Micah said he came home from work and went upstairs to find Owen in his bedroom with his wife.

“Cindy had gotten a little bit shaken by some noises she had heard and asked Jax to come over and investigate,” Micah explained. “Thank god we have a neighbor willing to help out like that.”

Shortly after that incident, Owen suggested to the couple that the three of them conduct a “ghost hunt.” Owen secured specialized equipment that would allow them to sense the presence of a spirit. The equipment included a variety of recording devices, microphones, cameras and earplugs.

“The plan was that we would spread out and each monitor different parts of the house,” Micah said. “I was stationed in the basement and Cindy and Jax were stationed upstairs in our bedroom.”

Micah said Jax gave him a microphone, a recorder and a set of industrial-strength ear plugs and instructed him to remain in the basement for the night and record anything unusual that he heard. Micah said the evening was uneventful and he ended up falling asleep midway through the night. But what he discovered in the early-morning hours the next day shook him too the core.

“I went upstairs and found Cindy naked and sleeping on the floor of our bedroom,” Micah said. “I searched for Jax and found him in the kitchen making himself a sandwich. He was also naked. Things were just getting way too creepy for me.”

According to Cindy, she had no recollection of the night and did not know how she ended up naked on the floor of their bedroom. Owen was similarly mystified. He said he woke up naked in the kitchen and was suddenly very hungry so he made himself a sandwich.

“This ghost or spirit or whatever it is has gone too far,” Micah said. “When it starts possessing my wife’s body, well, that’s where I draw the line.”

Horncraft claims to have had first-hand contact with the spirit. After a late shift at work, he came home and saw the ghost in his living room. He said the shadowy figure rushed out of the room. Horncraft was so shaken by the incident that he quickly sketched out a drawing of what he saw before it escaped his mind.

 

A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

A sketch of the ghost Horncraft claims haunts his home

“I think he was going to try to possess Cindy,” Micah said.  “She fell asleep on the couch and when I woke her up she was sweaty and her heart was racing. She later told me that she felt him trying to possess her body so that’s when I figured that he was probably trying to possess her body.”

While Horncraft has urged his wife that the two of them should consult a paranormal expert to investigate the matter further, Cindy is convinced the couple can handle this situation on their own, with the help of trusty neighbor, Jax.

“Cindy thinks the best way to handle a haunting like this is to keep it between the two of us. And Jax of course. I am so grateful for Jax,” Micah said, wiping away a tear from the corner of his eye. “I don’t know how we would have made it through all of this without his help.”

At press time, the couple was still dealing with strange occurrences. Micah recently asked Jax to stay at the house on the nights he has to work late to help look after Cindy. Sources confirm that Jax has agreed to do so.

Coma Futurist Society Opens “Future of the Moustache” Exhibit

Coma Futurist Society Curator, Micah Horncraft, stands beside one of the exhibits at "The Future of the Moustache"

By: Coma News Staff

The Coma Futurist Society opened its first public exhibit this week at the Suds & Suds on Fourth Avenue. Titled, “Future of the Moustache”, the exhibit features more than a dozen hand-drawn illustrations depicting the moustaches of 2114.

The exhibits aims to revolutionize the way people consider the future and–in this case–facial hair, according to Micah Horncraft, founder and curator of the Coma Futurist Society.

“A lot of people don’t really stop and think about what things might look like in the future,” said Horncraft.  “We’re sharing a vision with people and asking them to come along for the ride. Maybe this will give people less anxiety and more to look forwad to.”

According to Horncraft, there is no reason to think that in one-hundred years, humans would not be capable of growing feather moustaches

According to Horncraft, there is no reason to think that in one-hundred years, humans would not be capable of growing feather moustaches

If the illustrations in the moustache exhibit are any indication, the future moustache will bare little resemblence to its current form and functionality. The many forms of the future moustache shocked and confused attendees.

“I’ve read a lot on the internet, like Wikipedia, and feather moustaches are just not biologically possible for human beings to grow,” Coma Councilman Bob Smith-Smith said. “Of course, people who lived a couple thousand years ago couldn’t have imagined that humans would one day be able to heat up burritos in thirty seconds so maybe technology will get us there.”

The exhibit is hosted by Suds & Suds, the popular bar and laundromat located in downtown Coma. Suds & Suds owner, Mark Pelfry, said any chance to draw attention and traffic to his business is worth a shot.

“I like a good moustache as much as the next guy,” Pelfry said. “I was in as soon as they said the word ‘public.’ People have a hunger to see the future, especially when it comes to facial hair.”

Artist depiction of the "nosestache".  Horncraft said in the future, people will grow moustaches on the bridge of their nose

Artist depiction of the “nosestache”. Horncraft said in the future, people will grow moustaches on the bridge of their nose

Horncraft said his favorite piece in the exhibit features the “above the nose” moustache or, as he likes to call it, the “nosestache”.

“I grow wild with anticpation when I consider that sometime in the future people will grow moustaches on the bridge of their noses,” an excited Horncraft said.  “I just pray that day isn’t too far off in the future.  What a fun world this will be whence that day doth arrive.”

Horncraft said in the future, moustaches will be used as a form of simple communication

Horncraft said in the future, moustaches will be used as a form of simple communication

“This is the only place in Coma where you can see–and not just read about–the future today,” Horncraft said.

The exhibit is scheduled to run through March.

Coma Futurist Society Created

futurist society floating cloud city

According to Horncraft, future cities may be perched upon clouds as depicted in this hand-drawn illustration

Citing a general apathy regarding “olden days” and an “insatiable thirst” for the future, Coma town historian Micah Horncraft resigned from his post as the curator of the Coma Historical Society on Wednesday and immediately accepted a similar position at the new Coma Futurist Society.

“The future is full of wonderment and uncertainty,” Horncraft said in a prepared speech to the city council.  “Did you ever stop and think what buttons might look like in ten or twenty or even a thousand years?  They might not resemble in any way what we’ve come to expect from a button.  This is the type of thing that gets people excited.”

Horncraft said the decision had nothing to do with the recent resignation of Coma historian, Jeff Smithery, who announced last month he would turn his focus from the past to the future.

“My decision had nothing to do with the recent resignation of Coma historian, Jeff Smithery, who announced last month he would turn his focus from the past to the future,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft shared several exhibits that will be part of the Society’s grand opening next month including what appeared to be hand-drawn illustrations of futuristic concepts.

futurists society coffee cup on wheels

“Imagine a robot coffee cup,” Horncraft told the city council.  “It can move around on your table using a remote control.  Isn’t that amazing?  We are going to be sharing cutting-edge technology with citizens of Coma everyday.”

futurists society moustache style ideas

Horncraft said the “Moustache of the Future” will be part of an upcoming exhibit

The Coma Futurist Society is set to open next month.  According to Horncraft, there will be a variety of original, hand-drawn illustrations and diagrams depicting a “fantastic, futuristic world of possibilities,” as well as a magic exhibition and a collection of vintage TV Guides on display.