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comments feedOpinion: If You Can Avoid Eating Bones, Fried Chicken is Pretty Tasty
By Stan Bargmeyer, life-long Coma resident and Coma News Intern
Fried chicken is a pretty good food to eat, especially if you avoid eating the bones.
I just try my best to eat around the bones. If I can manage to do that, I find I actually kind of enjoy eating fried chicken.
I avoided eating the popular food for years following several near-death experiences as a younger man.
It used to be that I would just eat all of the fried chicken and sharp pieces of bone would get stuck in my throat and I’d almost die. It was my fear of dying and dislike for the taste of bones that made me give up fried chicken, entirely.
Recently, my friends encouraged me to give fried chicken another chance and they went to great lengths to explain that the bones were not, in fact, edible. With great reservations, I gave chicken another chance and had encouraging results.
It was a little clumsy at first and I only really nibbled around the edges because I didn’t want to eat the bone. But with some practice, I got the hang of it and decided it was pretty decent, as far as food goes.
My recent success with fried chicken has inspired me to reconsider other foods I stopped eating or never tried because I thought they were dangerous or too exotic or just not the type of food people like me would eat. But now I think I want to try those things. Like pancakes.
If You Follow Directions Precisely, Mac & Cheese A Pretty Easy Dinner To Prepare
Stan Bargmeyer’s recipe for Mac & Cheese includes preparing Kraft Mac & Cheese by following the directions on the box
According to Coma resident Stan Bargmeyer, if you follow the directions on the box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese precisely, it’s a fairly easy dinner to prepare.
“I just read over the directions and then I make some notes and then I follow them exactly as they are laid out,” Bargmeyer said. “I usually have to refer to my notes a few times while preparing the dish, but it works.”
Bargmeyer said he originally tried making the dish last year but gave up after several attempts without even looking at the instructions, which are printed clearly on the box.
“The first time I only boiled the pasta for about a minute, maybe two,” Bargmeyer admitted. “It was crunchy and I thought maybe I just got a bad batch of macaroni.”
On his next attempt to prepare the popular boxed dinner, Bargmeyer forgot to add the cheese sauce.
“It tasted pretty bland,” the retired bus driver said. “I was ready to give up.”
After talking to some friends, Bargmeyer realized there was a set of instructions on the box that provided specific, helpful and easy-to-follow instructions.
“Once I started following the directions, I realized it was a pretty simple dish to prepare and it tastes pretty good too,” Bargmeyer beamed.
Bargmeyer said he looks forward to trying even more complicated recipes soon, including a can of Nalley’s chili that has been in his cupboard for almost two years.
“I look at that can almost every day but have put it off cause I’m not exactly a culinary expert,” Bargmeyer said. “My confidence is growing though.”
Opinion: I Wish People Would Stop Laughing Just Because I Love Cream Pies
I don’t know what everybody-in-the-world’s problem is but I’m tired of people laughing at me just because I enjoy cream pies. Any time I bring this up, people shake their head and laugh. Like really loving a delicious cream pie is funny. I don’t get it.
If I tell people I like licorice, nobody laughs or chuckles or anything. If I tell them I enjoy making Hamburger Helper, they just kind of nod and move on. But if I mention how much I adore cream pies, they act like a bunch of teenagers and shake their head and laugh and giggle. It makes no sense to me.
So what if I like cream pies? I’m sure lots of people do. I wonder if they get laughed at for admitting it? I wonder if any of them have even tried a cream pie. If they did, they probably wouldn’t be laughing. They’d probably want to high-five me and say “I love those too, Stan.”
I think my favorite kind of cream pie is chocolate. I like how rich and creamy it is. It’s kind of sweet too. It makes me smile just thinking about it.
I enjoy visiting my friends Shannon and Edward. Every time I go see them, I have cream pie. They don’t ever laugh about how much I enjoy their cream pie. They act like mature, grown-up people.
A few weeks ago I was having dinner with friends and someone asked me what my favorite dessert was. I told them I really love cream pie. Everyone at the table started to laugh and one fella said “I bet you do you dirty old man.” They all got a big laugh about it. Why would he “bet” that I liked cream pies. I just told him I liked cream pies. No wagering necessary because I already admitted that I love cream pies. That makes no sense to me.
One thing that is becoming clear to me as I get older is that the world is becoming a much stranger place. It’s even a little scary sometimes. I don’t know what words are going to make people act funny. People are getting weirder and weirder as I get older and older.
I think they all need to slow down and enjoy a cream pie. If everybody had some cream pie every day, I think the world would be a much happier place.
Three Choking Incidents End Fast Food Chain’s Promotion
Foot Bucket, Coma’s only animal-foot fast food restaurant, announced this week it was suspending its popular month-long “Beaks & Bones” promotion after several patrons nearly died from choking-related incidents.
According to a statement on the company’s website, Foot Bucket will cease serving “assorted animal beaks and bone fragments” to its guest in light of “mysterious and still undetermined sources of choking-related incidents.”
The company stopped short of accepting responsibility but owner of the company and Coma Town Councilmember, Jax Owen, said there is some evidence to suggest the bone fragments and beaks may have caused at least one of the victims to choke.
“We know for certain one of the guests choked on a goat femur,” Jax said. “that’s a pretty big bone to try to take down in one swallow. But when you play the bone-eating game, you gonna win some and lose some.”
Micah Horncraft tried unsuccessfully to launch ‘The Grape Hut‘ as a healthy alternative to The Foot Bucket feels that these incidents might help citizens of Coma realize that healthier options are safer options. “There’s really only so many ways you can eat bones but grapes are soft and not fried.” said Horncraft.
“Beaks & Bones” is an annual limited-time promotion the company runs every February. Historically, it is one of the most popular promotions with consumers and has driven record revenues for Foot Bucket in previous years.
“This may be one of those watershed moments for our organization,” Jax said. “Maybe it’s time to look at soft tissue and organs. A bit easier to swallow and less violent to digest.”
The company’s website also stated it was moving up the start date of a new promotion called “Arctic-Fest”, which will feature an assortment of arctic mammal foot-food including caribou, moose, Dall sheep, ermine and musk ox. That promotion will start March 1 and run throughout the month.
Figure Eight Donut Platters a Nice Touch When Entertaining Guests
By Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Intern
Sometimes I think I want to have people over to my house to watch television shows or do other things. If you’re like me, you probably worry about what sort of special dish you can prepare to help your guests feel like they are your guests and are welcome in your home.
It turns out there are a lot of things you can do to make people feel like you want them inside your home. I wanted to share with you one of my favorites. I don’t think it’s too hard because even I was able to figure it out (after a little trial and error, of course).
Figure eight donut platters are a fun and festive way to tell your guests that they are guests in your home and you went out of your way to prepare something special for them to enjoy.
STAN’S FIGURE EIGHT DONUT PLATTER
Prep Time: 25 Minutes
Serves Four
What you’ll need:
– Two round donuts (NOT FRITTERS! This is important to note. Fritters will not work. Neither will maple bars)
– One Plate
What you’ll do:
1. Set your plate on a flat surface inside your home
2. Arrange the donuts on the plate side-by-side
3. Present to your guests and enjoy the figure-eight donut platter
For variety, consider using different types of donuts or serving them on different types of plates. You are only limited by your imagination and the number of plates you have in your home and the different variety of donuts available at local grocers and bakeries.
Mayor Launches Investigation
By Coma News Staff
Coma Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week that he will ask the Coma Police Department to look in to the mysterious disappearance of a Steve’s Quality Burrito’s “El Guapo” one-pound burrito.
The Mayor claims he purchased the burrito after work last Wednesday and was only able to finish about one-third of the shredded-beef filled Mexican delicacy. He brought it to work the next morning an intended on eating for lunch. When he returned at approximately 11:45 a.m., the burrito was reportedly missing.
ABOVE: Steve’s Quality Burrito’s signature “El Guapo” boasts more than a pound of fillings including frozen shredded beef, rice, beans, quacamole and cheese and small animals
“They only use the best frozen, seasoned, all-natural beef,” Anderson said of the burrito. “I get why someone would want it for themselves, but still, it sucks that they stole it.”
Anderson did a search of the break room and several neighboring businesses when he discovered his lunch was missing. Anderson then followed up by stopping by multiple offices and cubicles, asking employees if they had seen a giant burrito filled with the freshest ingredients, including Spanish rice and homemade guacamole. Anderson asked a few of his co-workers if he could check their trash cans, believing no one could finish the nearly two-thirds of a pound burrito in one sitting.
“Whoever it was was one hungry SOB,” Anderson said. “People think they can eat that sucker in one sitting but they underestimate the beans. The beans in that thing will get you. Sooner or later, the beans get everybody.”
Anderson, who spent nearly $9 on the burrito, said he hoped to avoid involving law enforcement but as the weekend came and went without any indication of a replacement burrito or even a note of apology, Anderson said he had little choice but to call in forensic experts and law enforcement officials to look into the matter further.
“We will get to the bottom of this,” the Mayor said. “Years from now, when I’m no longer Mayor of this fine community, I want people to look back on my tenure and say ‘that dude didn’t let people go around stealing burritos.’ That may even be my epitaph.”
Law enforcement officials declined to comment and only confirmed the mayor had made an official complaint.
New Cereal Features Local Resident
By Coma News Staff
Sometimes marketing and branding forgets the common person. But an agri-food conglomerate is looking to change that with the help of a Coma resident.
Hillsbrand Food Company is trial testing a new cereal, Wheat, in the town of Coma to as an alternative to the popular Wheaties breakfast cereal.
“We did a lot of research and found that most Americans, or even humans for that matter, were not actually champions of anything,” said Charles Hogan, vice president of marketing at Hillsbrand Food Company. “To us, Wheaties was targeting maybe the top one-half of one percent of the market. That leaves a huge portion of the market for a competitor.”
Hogan estimated the potential market for Wheat is “whatever one-half of one percent subtracted from one-hundred percent is.”
Using the tag line “Breakfast of Humans,” Wheat is similar to Wheaties and features people on the front of the cereal box. Unlike Wheaties, Wheat cereal features average humans and a handful of D-list celebrities. And at least one Coma resident.
The first box featured Mike Chandler, a 34-year auto salesman recently fired from JAX Used Cars. Chandler, who had DUI convictions in 2002 and 2005, is in the midst of his second divorce and recently filed for bankruptcy.
“I feel I’m good enough to eat their cereal,” Chandler said “ What are my qualifications for being on a cereal box? Well I’m a living human being and they told me the living part is the only qualifier when it comes to eating their cereal.”
Sales for the cereal have languished since the product hit shelves in Coma nearly three months ago, but Chandler is not discouraged.
“I’m no marketing guru but people gotta eat, right?” Chandler said. “They’ll sell, eventually.”
