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Supporters Crushed by Grape Hut Closure

Aug. 14 News 1 comment

By Coma News Staff

A Campaign to prevent closure of the Grape Hut was stomped out this week after the owner announced the restaurant’s closure.

Grape Hut, Coma’s only drive-thru fast food grape restaurant, will close its doors for good at the end of the month, said Micah Horncraft, the restaurant’s owner.

Horncraft cited dwindling sales, a sluggish economy and “grape fatigue,” as the likely causes behind the failure of the business, which opened opened seven months ago.

“It says a lot about our current economic situation when a restaurant specializing in grapes can’t stay in busines of the s for even a year,” Horncraft said.

Leaders of a campaign to keep the grape purveyor operational included Jax Owen, owner of Big O Moonshine & Wine, who bought the unsold daily surplus from the restaurant to create his award-winning local wine.

“This is probably it for Hot Rod Merlot,” Owen said. “You can’t steal grapes this cheap.”

Above: Grape Hut business thrived early on with nearly seven customers per day. Sales have since declined sharply

Another supporter of the fruit purveyor, Chase Donovan , said the restaurant’s loss will leave a void that is hard to fill.

“Ever since Eggs-To-Go burned down last year, the grape store has been our fall back car-pelting ammunition store,” said Donovan, a Coma News Daily intern. “You haven’t seen pissed off until you nail a dude in a convertable with a fistful of grapes.”

Horncraft said the business will close its doors for good next Sunday. While disappointed, Horncraft said he’s already thinking about his next business venture.

“I love buffet-style restaurants but I never have time to go to one,” he said. “I want to make the world’s first drive-thru all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant.”

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Tags: business, drive-thru, food, grapes, micah horncraft, restaurants

Hey Girl, Jax Owen Knows How You Want To Be Made Love to this Valentine’s Day

Feb. 14 Opinion no comments

By Coma Resident and Business Owner, Jax Owen

It’s Valentine’s Day again. You should spend it with me, Jax Owen. Yes, THAT Jax Owen. I own and operate the used car lot in town.

We could have fun hanging out at my place. You could bring over some groceries and make me supper. What’s that baby? You’ve been on your feet all day? No worries, I have some Therafit Women’s Slip-On casual shoes (size 7) for you to wear. It’ll be like walking on clouds while you work in the kitchen.

You’re welcome baby. I’m here for you. I will literally be in the next room watching season two of Ice Road Truckers the entire time.

ABOVE: Jax Owen wants to spoil a girl this Valentine’s Day

Once supper is ready, you can set out the TV trays. The good TV trays. The Winsome 5 Piece Set from Hayneedle.com. This is a special night after all. This is our night. And our night is all about you, buttercup.

After supper you can clean the kitchen and get after those dirty dishes. What did you say baby? You’re worried about your hands chaffing from all that dirty dish water?

Don’t worry, Ladybug. Jax has you covered. Slip on a pair of the Playtex Living Premium Protection Cleaning Gloves I picked up for you. It will be like you’re washing the dishes with clouds on your hands.

This night is all about you. You are my girl tonight. Maybe not last night and probably not tomorrow night. But tonight, you’re mine. And I’m going to spoil the hell out of you.

Baby, I’ve been so good to you. But Jax needs a little favor. Could you bring me two more Keystone beers for me and my brother Randy? We’re just sitting here on the couch, watching Ice Road Truckers and drinking some Keystone. But I’m here for YOU. I just don’t want to get up right now because I just ate dinner and the show is getting really good.

I’m sorry for not telling you Randy was coming over. It was kind of a last-minute thing. But he’s been feeling down because both his dogs have worms and he’s been spending a shit-ton of cash on worm medicine. But he really enjoyed the dinner you made. He said you were a “good” cook.

Hey girl. Looks like you’re done with those dishes. You’re so sexy when you look exhausted. But now it’s my turn to spoil you.

Let’s escape to my bedroom during the next commercial break. And don’t worry. I told Randy to turn up the volume on the TV real loud. He won’t be able to hear a thing. Now, turn around.

Oh baby. That was so much fun. And we didn’t even miss any of the show.

It’s getting late though. Remember I told you I have that thing tomorrow morning? I have to be up real early. I think Randy and I are just going to finish up this Ice Road Trucker marathon and then hit the sack.

But don’t you worry. Jax didn’t forget about you. You know that box of original-flavor Slim Jim meat sticks on the counter in the kitchen? I want you to grab a handful on your way out. Take as many as you like. I mean, don’t take the whole box. But, a half dozen or so would be cool. I buy them in bulk.

I like you girl. I’m so happy you chose to spend your Valentine’s Day with Jax Owen. I enjoyed doing romance on you. And I enjoyed the love making too. Happy Valentine’s Day girl.

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Tags: food, jax owen, relationships, romance, valentines day

Bigfoot Seen “Poking Around” Cereal Aisle at Local Grocer

Jan. 24 News no comments

by Coma News Staff

Several eyewitnesses observed a large, simian-like creature “poking around” the cereal aisle of Sweet Ray’s Grocery store on Monday afternoon.

According to police reports, the hairy, bipedal humanoid rummaged through a variety of cereal boxes before checking out a Nutella end-cap display and then exiting the store empty handed.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Dee Collins, one of several eyewitnesses, said. “You don’t expect to see that kind of thing at a grocery store.”

The unidentified creature spent nearly ten minutes carefully examining the nutrition facts on at least a dozen boxes of breakfast cereal. After appearing to settle on a box of Cranberry Almond Crunch, the creature picked up a box of Lucky Charms.

“I am the same way,” Collins told reporters. “I try to make the healthy choice but damn, those sugary cereals are so good!”

ABOVE: Artist sketch of what witnesses say was a large ape-like creature loitering in the cereal section of a local grocery store this week

According to local cryptozoologist Micah Horncraft, it should not be a surprise that a bigfoot creature would seek a healthy, nutritious breakfast option from a local grocer.

“When you consider the fact that bigfoot’s diet consists primarily of berries, nuts and grains, it makes sense he would seek out breakfast cereal,” Horncraft said. “I mean, it’s not like he’s going to make waffles or anything. Am I right?”

Collins said the creature seemed to “give up” after studying a box of Rice Krispies Treats Cereal. Afterwards, the large beast “sheepishly shuffled” down the aisle until a Nutella display appeared to catch his eye.

“He picked up a jar and smelled it and shook it next to his ear as if he might hear something,” Collins said. “I thought he was going to try to shoplift it but he kind of patted his thighs and hips and must have realized he didn’t have any pockets.”

Store manager Brian Frazier told reporters the store has a strict no-loitering policy and that their staff would be more diligent in the future in managing that policy.

“He must have sort of slipped through,” Frazier said. “It happens. One time we had a horse in the produce section for almost an hour before anyone noticed. Shit happens more often than you think.”

The mysterious creature reportedly left the store and has not been seen since Monday afternoon. This incident is one of an increasing number of bigfoot sightings in the community since 2013.

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Tags: bigfoot, breakfast, cereal, cryptozoology, food, micah horncraft, nutrition

Turns Out Pancakes and Flapjacks Are the Same Thing

Jan. 19 Opinion no comments

By Stan Bargmeyer. Coma News Intern

Did you know that pancakes and flapjacks are the same thing? Well, they are. They are both made of the same ingredients and look exactly the same. I didn’t know that until recently.

It’s funny how you go a whole lifetime without knowing stuff that you thought you knew. I always thought flapjacks were made from cured meats of some kind. But they are just like pancakes. No cured meats or anything.

I remember last year when I discovered national recording artist Paul McCartney was the same Paul McCartney who was in the band The Beatles. That really blew my mind. I just thought it was ironic that there were two very popular recording artists with the same name. But they are, in fact, the same person. If you don’t believe me, you can look it up. I didn’t believe it either but it is true.

When I was in my thirties, I kind of figured I knew everything I would ever know. I thought that was kind of the end of learning new things. But that hasn’t been true at all. Now it seems like I’m learning new stuff at least once or twice a year. Sometime more!

Just a few weeks ago I learned that the phrase “barking up the wrong tree” means making a mistake or a false assumption. For years I thought the phrase was “backing up the raunchy” and was some perverted sexual reference having to do with a woman’s back side. I was both thrilled that I learned something new and embarrassed that I didn’t already know it. But people say it so fast and everyone assumes you know what they are saying or what it means.

Nowadays it seems like there is more stuff to know and to learn. When I was younger, things didn’t move so fast. It was less confusing. But now they have so many things to keep track of. There are hundreds of television shows on television. There are a bunch of computer things to know about. There are sayings and phrases. There are lots of different kinds of music. Seems impossible to learn it all.

It can be intimidating. And make you feel foolish. Like thinking “LOL” means “Look Out Licorice”. Or thinking an emoji is a brand of Japanese beer. Or trying to send an Instagram from your local post office.

Everything just keeps on happening. I don’t think I’ll ever know it all. But maybe I’m not supposed to.

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Tags: food, pancakes, Stan Bargmeyer, technology