Tag: dragons

Buy My Screenplay: Matt Damon Returns In “The Pretty Good Wall”

May. 12 Classified, Living no comments
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pretty good wall

This advertorial does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.

ADVERTORIAL

My Amazing Screenplay

I’m Dee Collins and all I do is sit around and pump out the most amazing screenplays of all time and then try to sell them through traditional classified advertising methods.  Read my ad below and contact me to buy my screenplay!

I’ve just completed my latest screenplay and it is really good! It’s called “The Pretty Good Wall” and it is a sequel to the mega-blockbuster film “The Great Wall” starring Matt Damon.

This movie has everything you want in a movie.  It has Matt Damon. It has a wall. It has EVERYTHING!

Below is a sample of one scene.  If you like it and would like to buy it, please let me know.

I’m offering it at a discount right now for only $400,000 but you better act fast because this deal won’t last. This is going to be a hot property because of the unprecedented success of “The Great Wall.”

LOG LINE

Matt Damon is back at it. After defending the Great Wall of China, Matt finds himself protecting a modest brick wall in the foothills of the Sahara Desert from evil, fire-breathing dragons. Featuring popular actor Jon Hamm and the voice of Academy Award winner Meryl Streep as “Beans the Dragon”, The Pretty Good Wall will raise the bar on movies about walls.

EXT. SAHARA DESERT- DAY

Matt Damon and popular actor Jon Hamm are standing behind a modest, ten-foot long wall in the middle of the desert. Both men look haggard and exhausted. Dirt and blood cover their faces. They stare off in the distance, spears and weapons clutched firmly in their hands.

               JON HAMM

          Man, I love walls.

               MATT DAMON

          Me too, Jon. Me too.

               JON HAMM

          But I HATE dragons, LOL!

Matt Damon laughs and slaps Jon Hamm on the back.

               MATT DAMON

          I was just thinking the same thing. That’s funny Jon. Very funny.

The two men continue to stare off in the distance, scanning the vacant horizon. Jon moves his spear from one hand to the other and shakes out his free hand.

               JON HAMM

          My hand keeps cramping up.

               MATT DAMON

          Yeah. I hate that.

               (beat)

          Man, I love this wall. I mean, I love ALL walls. They are just like the best things in the world. But this one…this one is really awesome.

               JON HAMM

          I’m surprised you haven’t tried to hump it yet, LOL!

Matt Damon bursts into hysterical laughter.

               MATT DAMON

          The day is still young, Jon Hamm! The day is still young!

The two men go silent again and return their gaze to the horizon. Jon Hamm steps forward. His eyes narrow.

              JON HAMM

          Is that a dragon?

Jon Hamm points to somewhere far off in the distance. Matt Damon steps forward and studies the area for a moment.

               MATT DAMON

          No. I think it’s a kite.

Jon Hamm walks forward, his eyes still locked on the horizon.

               JON HAMM

          Oh. Yeah. I think you’re right.

               (beat)

          Fucking kites, man. I mean…what’s the point?

Matt Damon laughs heartily and slaps Jon Hamm on the back.

               MATT DAMON

          So true, Jon Hamm. That is spot on. I was thinking the same thing. That’s definitely laugh-out-loud funny!

The two men continue to stare off in the distance.

——————————————

That’s all you get for now! Remember, The Great Wall is a gigantic, international blockbuster! People will want a sequel. This is that sequel!  Anyhow, contact me!  Let’s make movies!

Contact Dee Collins at townofcoma@hotmail.com

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Opinion: Stop Putting Labels On Me

Mar. 16 Opinion no comments
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by Micah Horncraft

I’d like to ask that starting today, my friends, family and even strangers begin referring to me as Dragon Master X. For some time now I’ve been working on cultivating a “brand” if you will. This has been a painstaking process but one that has been worthwhile. It’s time to take the next step.

People that know me understand that if we were living in some alternate fantasy world where dragons, elves and giant trolls lived amongst us, I would definitely be some sort of legendary dragon slayer. It is only proper that my name reflect the fortitude, courage and sword-skills I would undoubtedly possess in Lystero, which is what my kingdom would definitely be called. You know it would.

What bothers me is that sometimes people act like I would NOT be some awesome warrior who slayed dragons and restored freedom to the many territories and fiefdoms across the land. It’s as if those people have never met me.

I challenge anyone to find even ONE characteristic that suggests I wouldn’t be able to wield Fangar, the mighty sword of Beckenhollar, forged in the blood of one-hundred kings. Or find some evidence that I wouldn’t be able to mount a dragon through a hail of fire and ash and drive my blade through its thick and rugged flesh.

micah the athlete

Dragon Master X (formerly Micah Horncraft), challenges anyone to demonstrate he would NOT be a bad-ass dragon slayer

When I introduce myself as Dragon Master X, people will be like “of course, that name suits him so well.”

When I tell people they can call me Dragon Master X, or Dragon Master for short, they will nod and say “that’s exactly the name I would of guessed for you.”

I understand that there may be some transition involved. People who have known me for years by my mortal name, Micah, will likely have to break old habits. I accept this will not change overnight. I’m a patient man, as any lord of dragon slaying would be. Please know when I correct you, it is not done out of frustration or anger, but simply as a way to help you understand the new reality.

That being said, if in like six months you are still calling me Micah, I’m going to be irritated and may even walk off in a huff. I’m sure it won’t get to that point though.

For those of you who are still unsure about my new name, I’d like you to try something; close your eyes, clear your mind and then say to yourself the words Dragon Master X.  Whose image pops into your head?

I rest my case.

Thank you for your understanding.

Regards,

Dragon Master X

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Fantasy Baseball Team Mounts Dragons this Week

Apr. 15 Sports no comments
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ortiz on dragon 2

 

By Coma News Staff

After a poor start to the season, Coma fantasy baseball manager, Micah Horncraft, announced last night that his all-star lineup would take the field this week atop gold-winged dragons wielding bats crafted from the “finest Cirillian oak from the forest of Eragord.”

“Those who shall dare to pass first base shall suffer the consequences of the old days,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft made the announcement after his team, The Nine Druids of Westhobbin, are in last place two weeks in to the Major League Baseball season.  Horncraft said his team will feature a female warrior named “Ursula the White” and a goblin named “Deadswaug,” who will play shortstop for the fantasy baseball team.

goblin shortstop

Above: Deadswaug, a goblin with a career slugging percentage of .678, according to Horncraft, will play shortstop for Horncraft’s fantasy baseball team this week

Many have questioned the wisdom of inserting fictitious players into a fantasy baseball lineup, however such a move is not unheard of.  Last summer, on his way to a sixth-place finish, Horncraft used a troll named “Hunchmanck” as his starting catcher, saying the 8-foot tall giant would unleash a “scourge on home plate unseen since the days of the Veruvian Wars.”

Horncraft’s opponents said they were not concerned with the announcement.

“I applaud his efforts to put the ‘fantasy’ into fantasy baseball,” avid fantasy baseball player Dr. Jimmy said.  “Considering dragons and goblins aren’t real, don’t play baseball, and don’t generate stats. I don’t see how this could possibly help him win.”

Horncraft was considered benching Los Angeles Angels outfielder Mike Trout in favor of an elvish wizard named “Stoven” but was concerned about the elf’s on-base percentage, which does not exist.

“I’ll track it for another week before making that change,” Horncraft said.  “I hope the dragons will light a fire under everyone’s ass this week.”

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