Tag: dave anderson

News In Brief- May 15

May. 15 News no comments
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new brief front page

By Coma News Staff

 NO CHARGES FOR FIGHTING CHICKEN

Authorities announced this week that Gary, the fighting chicken recently involved in an attack on director Shane Darvis, will not face criminal charges.

The chicken viciously attached the director during the first all-animal rendition of the famous Greek comedy,  “Lysistrata” on April 28.

“It is a sad day for Coma when a criminal like Gary is allowed to fly free,” Darvis said from his couch where he is still recovering from multiple scratches.  “I guess he really didn’t fly free.  He walked.  Or waddled?  Strutted?”

MAYOR REASSURES CITIZENS ‘LORD OF THE RINGS’ “CAN NOT HAPPEN HERE”

Mayor Dave Anderson addressed local media this week in an effort to assuage concerns regarding the possibility that events from the popular film series “Lord of the Rings” could happen in Coma.

“There is no evidence that any of the stuff portrayed in those films could happen in our town,” Anderson said.  “The things in those movies took place thousands and thousands of years ago.”

TEEN UNVEILS CONTROVERSIAL ECONOMIC PLAN

After days of research and late nights, Coma teen, Chase Donovan, unveiled a highly controversial worldwide economic plan in his fourth period Current Events class this week. 

According to Donovan, the solution to world poverty and hunger is to make currency a free commodity so that people had money to purchase food, water and video games.

“Think about it, if money were free to everyone, there would be no need for people to go without money,” Donovan said.  “Just have a place where people can go and get as much as they want.”

 MAYOR ANNOUNCES NEW WEATHER REPORTING SYSTEM

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week that in an effort to ensure 100 percent accurate weather reports, the town would implement a new post-weather reporting system.  The system will report the weather after-the-fact to provide citizens with a 100 percent accurate weather report.

“No more guess work,” Anderson said.  “With this new system, you will know precisely what the weather was  yesterday.  It’s THAT accurate.”

 

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Tourism Campaign Draws Criticism

Apr. 23 News no comments
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By Coma News Staff

A new Coma tourism ad campaign has drawn criticism for its  depiction of Mayor Dave Anderson with a host of scantily clad women and a suggestive tagline with “scandalous undertones.”  The sexually-charged ads debuted in weekly newspapers across the midwest last weekend.

According to Anderson, the ads were designed to “sexy up” the small town in an effort to attract visitors from across the country by suggesting a “reasonable expectation of sexual intercourse.”

“Sex sells,” Anderson said.  “We need to get people walking around our streets, staying at our motel and spending money. The ‘Spring Break’ initiative worked well and this is the next step.”

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The ads feature the mayor with female models in a variety of situations with the suggestive tagline “You’re about to get laid.”  While critics say the ads promote unsafe sex and tarnish the city’s reputation, Anderson said the ads highlight the many fun activities the town has to offer and that the sexual undertones are subtle and nuanced.

His critics disagree.

“I’ve seen more nuance on a children’s cereal box,” councilmember Bob Smith-Smith said.  “I thought it was an ad for an escort service.”

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Jax Owen, a local used-car dealer and head of the Coma Tourism Commission, developed the campaign and said that ultimately the ads should be judged on the results.

“If I was sitting around some little shithole in Albequerque, Mexico and saw an ad like this guess where I’m going to be once I clear customs?  I’m going to be in Coma to get laid by a paramedic or a lady selling jeans,” Owen said.

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Anderson, who recently suffered a setback on educational reform, said that while he was disappointed with the reaction to the tourism campaign, he was in the “you’re about to get laid” business for the long haul.

 

 

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Council: OK to Keep Old Bling

Apr. 11 News no comments
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Rosie and Jason make waves

By Coma News Staff

City officials announced last night that due to recent budget cuts, Coma’s annual “Gifts from the Town of Coma” summer festival has been cancelled.  The popular event, which takes place on the third weekend in July, was deemed too expensive by town leaders.

“We all love what ‘Gifts from Coma” means to our community,” Mayor Dave Anderson said.  “But at some point, we must exercise fiscal responsibility.”

Gifts of Coma Festival started in 1982 as a way to win public support for increased taxes when town leaders showered the community with luxurious gifts and parades.  The event proved so popular it eventually became the town’s official summer festival.

“This is not going to be a popular decision,” council member Bob Smith-Smith said about the decision.  “But we were sitting around looking at how we could reduce the budget and realized the Gifts of Coma festival accounted for nearly two-thirds of our annual operating budget.”

Smith-Smith said citizens would not be expected to return gifts from previous years, including jet skis, Land Rovers or personalized gold-finished Grillz.  “We’re not heartless,” Smith-Smith said.

Mayor Anderson said special hearings were being scheduled for next week as city leaders must scramble to find an affordable replacement theme for this year’s event.  Themes reportedly under consideration are:

– Perusin’ Magazine Days

– Hand Clappin’ Festival!

– Let’s-All-Bring-Sandwiches-and-Water-to-the-Park-and-Tell-Funny-Stories-Because-That-Doesn’t-Cost-the-City-Any-Money-at-All Festival

– Round Up in Bed Days!

 

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Rare Kim Jong-Il Artwork to be Displayed in Coma

Mar. 21 News no comments
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Art collector and Coma News Network publisher, Davis Montgomery, stands beside a painting by former North Korean Supreme Leader, kim Jong-Il at a recent preview of the upcoming exhibition

 

By Coma News Staff

Business leader and art collector, Davis Montgomery announced yesterday that his rare collection of paintings by former North Korean Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-Il, will go on display at the Coma Landmine Tours & Museum later this month.

The incredibly rare collection features nearly two dozen paintings completed by Jong-Il, who served as the head of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea from 1994 to 2011.  Among the collection are many award-winning pieces that reflect the communist dictator’s passion for art.

 

Titled simply; “Born This Way: The Supreme Leader Was Birthed From The Sun’s Vagina And Came To Earth On Hot Rays Of Sunshine To Show The World His Greatness,” the above painting won more than 40 North Korean art awards and saw the Supreme Leader experiment with the color orange for the first time, which he later described as “refreshing.”

Titled simply; “Born This Way: The Supreme Leader Was Birthed From The Sun’s Vagina And Came To Earth On Hot Rays Of Sunshine To Show The World His Greatness,” the above painting won more than 40 North Korean art awards and saw the Supreme Leader experiment with the color orange for the first time, which he later described as “refreshing.”

“These are amazing paintings,” Montgomery said.  “People outside North Korea don’t know the former Supreme Leader was an avid and accomplished artist, but he was.”

Montgomery, who is also the publisher of Coma News, purchased the collection at an auction in Pyongyang in 2012 for an undisclosed amount.  According to Montgomery, this will be the first public showing of the collection outside North Korea.

Above: Painting by Kim Jong-Il titled “By Whose Authority Was This Dog Permitted To Go Outdoors Because The Supreme Leader Was Certainly Not Advised”, this painting is considered by most North Koreans as the greatest work of art of the 20th century.

Above: Painting by Kim Jong-Il titled “By Whose Authority Was This Dog Permitted To Go Outdoors Because The Supreme Leader Was Certainly Not Advised”, this painting is considered by most North Koreans as the greatest work of art of the 20th century.

“If people move past the oppressive nature of his reign as Supreme Leader, I think they will find some beautiful art,” Montgomery said.  “Every painting he created won multiple awards from the North Korean art community.  So you know it’s quality art.  They don’t hand out awards to mediocre painters in North Korea.”

Entitled “The Supreme Leader’s Arm Is Never Far Away From You And Is Always Clutching A Sharp Knife But Do Not Fear For The Supreme Leader Does Not Recklessly Murder Butterflies”, this piece received warm praise from North Korea’s art community and was displayed in the lobby of the Ryugyong Hotel for many years.

Entitled “The Supreme Leader’s Arm Is Never Far Away From You And Is Always Clutching A Sharp Knife But Do Not Fear For The Supreme Leader Does Not Recklessly Murder Butterflies”, this piece received warm praise from North Korea’s art community and was displayed in the lobby of the Ryugyong Hotel for many years.

The exhibit is scheduled to open on Thursday, March 27.

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