Tag: dave anderson

Alfonso “Cinnamon Boots” Dabney, 106, Dies Tragically in His Sleep

by Coma News Staff

Coma resident Alfonso “Cinnamon Boots” Dabney passed away peacefully in his sleep this week at the age of 106 in what many are calling a tragic death of the town’s oldest citizen.

“He was just starting to live,” Dabney’s doctor, Dr. Jimmy said.  “One minute you’re a vibrant, bed-ridden 106-year old man and the next minute, you’re dead.”

Mourners, many of whom were inconsolable, stood outside Dabney’s nursing home in an impromptu memorial.  Many wept openly and tried to make sense of what some are calling a “senseless” death.

“How does this happen here?” Coma resident Dee Collins said. “It’s the kind of stuff you see on the news or a ripped-from-the-headlines movie of the week.  It’s surreal.”

grumpy-old-man

ABOVE: Photo of Dabney from 1984 during a rally he organized to ban dancing in an effort he hoped would prevent the town from turning into one of those “Footloose communes.” Dabney also sought to “send those immigrants back to China or England on a boat.”

Dabney, who earned his nickname “Cinnamon Boots” during prohibition where he served as a cinnamon runner for local moonshiners, was remembered by mourners as a curt, almost helpless curmudgeon who incessantly complained about the sodium levels of his soup and the “damn foreign nurses” who were trying to kill him.

After serving heroically as a warehouse supply clerk in San Antonio during World War II, “Cinnamon Boots” returned home to Coma after the war and was mostly forgotten about until his 100th birthday party celebration in 2009.

Many who gathered at the makeshift memorial reflected on Dabney’s life and the very nature of life and death itself.

“Makes you think that none of us are immune to things like death,” Jax Owen, one of the many mourners, said. “I’m just trying to make sense of it all. There are a lot more questions than answers right now.”

Mayor Dave Anderson released a statement yesterday afternoon urging the town to “persevere through such tragedy” as “all great communities do.”

“The great crisis of our time is now before us,” Anderson’s statement read.  “While we have been reduced to ashes emotionally as we struggle to understand how a relatively unhealthy, decrepit 106-year-old man suddenly passes away, I am confident in our ability to rebuild our community, survive this tragedy and become a better version of our former selves.”

Dabney has no known living relatives.  A formal memorial service is being planned and the town will be offering counseling services for citizens who may need support to deal with the tragedy.

Report: Mayor Stares at Baby for Excessively Long Time

by Coma News Staff

According to eyewitness accounts, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson made onlookers “uncomfortable” this week after staring at a baby in a local grocery store for more than eight minutes without breaking eye contact.  Several sources stated that what started as a fun, light-hearted interaction between the mayor and the infant quickly devolved into a strange, often intense stare-down by the mayor.

“I saw him (Mayor Anderson) stop and look at the baby and he said something and laughed,” Chase Donovan said. “Then he just stood there staring at the baby.  He didn’t say anything.  He just stared.  A big, awkward grin on his face.”

ABOVE: A baby that may or may not resemble the baby from the staring incident

ABOVE: A baby that may or may not resemble the baby from the staring incident

The baby was sitting in baby seat inside a shopping cart.  The mother, Andrea Smith-Smith wife of Bob Smith-Smith and cashier at Bob’s Mart, declined to comment initially smiled at the mayor.  As seconds turned into minutes, the mother appeared to grow more and more concerned according to witnesses.

“She looked over her shoulder a couple times as she walked away,” Chase Donovan said. “After a few feet, she started to trot and really picked up the pace before disappering down the cereal aisle.”

Anderson was confronted by the media about the incident this week and stated while he did nothing wrong or intentionally inappropriate, he admitted to having some challenges in certain social settings.

“In a nutshell, is eight minutes too long to stare at a stranger’s baby in a supermarket?” Anderson asked reporters. “Where is the line between polite and creepy? It’s eight minutes, right?”

Anderson later elaborated that he only intended to stop briefly to compliment the baby but once he settled into his fixed gaze he “lost track of time” and found the infant bore a striking resemblance to a “newborn Robert Downey Jr.”  The mayor added he has learned his lesson from the incident and in the future will keep interactions with newborns to under 30 seconds.

I’ll Stop Using the Nutshell Reference if You Stop Asking Hard Questions

Guest Editorial by Coma Mayor Dave Anderson

Recently I’ve been getting a lot of criticism for my incessant use of the term “…in a nutshell.” I will admit I probably have been over-using this term quite a bit recently.  It’s sort of my default response to challenging, difficult questions.

Last week, for example, I was at a Coma Rotary luncheon and someone asked me about my plans for police reform in Coma.  I was caught off guard by this question.  My response was thoughtful, if not completely informative.  I said to the gentleman, “In a nutshell, this is something we are going to have to address.”

I realize now that not only did that answer not provide any tangible information, it likely was a mis-use of the term altogether.

Politics-in-a-nutshell1

About a month ago, at a city council meeting, I was put on the spot about the budget, or something about spending or not having enough money or…something like that.  I responded by saying “we’ve got a clear and effective plan regarding this thing you just asked me about.  In a nutshell, it’s a real good plan.”

Again, I think I probably failed to impart anything resembling helpful, useful information or knowledge.  But when you back a baby wolverine into a corner, well, you gonna get stung.

Perhaps the most gratuitous use of this term occurred a couple weeks ago at dinner with a few friends.  When the waitress grilled me about what I’d like to eat, I replied “In a nutshell, I want some good food that will satisfy my appetite.”

It's dark inside of the nutshell.

It’s dark inside of the nutshell.

It’s to the point now where this response is automatic.  It’s embedded deep inside my subconscious.  But I know I can do better.  I want to do better.  In a nutshell, I want to be the mayor you have elected multiple times to serve you with integrity and accountability.  In a nutshell, I want to be the best mayor this town has had since Morley Pfifer.

That is why I am proposing an arrangement with the media, my peers and anyone else who I may come into contact with; I vow not to use the “nutshell” phrase if you vow to stop asking me challenging and complex questions on the spot.

If we can work together, we can eradicate this terrible habit.

Thank you for your support and cooperation.

Editors Note: The Mayor does not understand that Coma  is a Town and not a city and therefor has a Town Council and not a City Council. 

Mayor Launches Investigation

By Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson announced this week that he will ask the Coma Police Department to look in to the mysterious disappearance of a Steve’s Quality Burrito’s “El Guapo” one-pound burrito.

The Mayor claims he purchased the burrito after work last Wednesday and was only able to finish about one-third of the shredded-beef filled Mexican delicacy. He brought it to work the next morning an intended on eating for lunch. When he returned at approximately 11:45 a.m., the burrito was reportedly missing.

giant burrito

ABOVE: Steve’s Quality Burrito’s signature “El Guapo” boasts more than a pound of fillings including frozen shredded beef, rice, beans, quacamole and cheese and small animals

“They only use the best frozen, seasoned, all-natural beef,” Anderson said of the burrito. “I get why someone would want it for themselves, but still, it sucks that they stole it.”

Anderson did a search of the break room and several neighboring businesses when he discovered his lunch was missing.  Anderson then followed up by stopping by multiple offices and cubicles, asking employees if they had seen a giant burrito filled with the freshest ingredients, including Spanish rice and homemade guacamole.  Anderson asked a few of his co-workers if he could check their trash cans, believing no one could finish the nearly two-thirds of a pound burrito in one sitting.

“Whoever it was was one hungry SOB,” Anderson said. “People think they can eat that sucker in one sitting but they underestimate the beans.  The beans in that thing will get you.  Sooner or later, the beans get everybody.”

Anderson, who spent nearly $9 on the burrito, said he hoped to avoid involving law enforcement but as the weekend came and went without any indication of a replacement burrito or even a note of apology, Anderson said he had little choice but to call in forensic experts and law enforcement officials to look into the matter further.

“We will get to the bottom of this,” the Mayor said.  “Years from now, when I’m no longer Mayor of this fine community, I want people to look back on my tenure and say ‘that dude didn’t let people go around stealing burritos.’ That may even be my epitaph.”

Law enforcement officials declined to comment and only confirmed the mayor had made an official complaint.

Swimming With The Dolphins Not What You Think It Is

Special Guest Editorial by Coma Mayor Dave Anderson

I recently returned from a two-day vacation in exotic Hawaii.  I enjoy getting away on short vacations whenever I can.  Last year I traveled to Spain for several hours and the chance to get away from the day-to-day routines and spend an afternoon in a foreign land is a great way to re-charge my battery.

This was my first trip to Hawaii (pronounced Huh-Why-Ee) and I was particularly excited about one of our planned excursions; swimming with dolphins. For me, this was to be the highlight of my trip. The idea of spending a couple hours in the pool with some of my all-time favorite former Miami Dolphins football players was very exciting and I looked forward to it like a child might look forward to Christmas morning.

So you can imagine my tremendous disappointment when upon my arrival I noticed a lagoon-style pool littered with actual dolphins.  Not ‘Dolphins.’  Apparently this is a popular activity for visitors to this foreign land. Well it would be nice if the people in charge made it clear in their advertising that no current or former NFL players and Miami Dolphins were involved in this excursion.  Nowhere in their literature or website does it state such a thing.  It is misleading.

I thought I would get a chance to have a splash fight with hall-of-famer and former Dolphin Larry Csonka. But I didn't because the stupid thing didn't include any Miami Dolphins. Just real dolphins.

I thought I would get a chance to have a splash fight with hall-of-famer and former Dolphin Larry Csonka. But I didn’t because the stupid thing didn’t include any Miami Dolphins. Just real dolphins.

Instead of frolicking in the pool with the likes of Bob Griese, Larry Csonka or Dan Marino, I’m stuck petting the dorsal fin of a water mammal and smiling for photographs with Flipper.  There were no chicken fights with all-time Dolphins greats like Mercury Morris or Nick Buoniconti.  No games of Marco Polo with Mark Duper or Larry Little.  Not even a chance to pants a guy like Paul Warfield.  Just hanging out in a pool of water that was likely full of wild animal droppings

The lesson in all of this is simple; do your homework, read the fine print and don’t get suckered in to a tourist trap/scam like I did.  I hope by sharing this story that others will avoid the mistake I made.

 

 

Coma Mayor Fails Doomsday Prepper Assessment

by Coma News Staff

Filming for the popular National Geographic Channel’s “Doomsday Preppers” wrapped up this week in Coma after the producers completed a segment on the town’s mayor, Dave Anderson. Anderson said that while it was a fun experience, he strongly disagrees with the shows expert assessment of his apocalypse readiness .

According to the show’s producers, Anderson recorded the lowest score ever issued by the show’s expert panel of preppers and survival experts.

“Based on our assessment, Dave Anderson should have died about three weeks ago,” a show staffer who wished to remain anonymous said. “I didn’t even know you could get a score like that.”

Prepper Score 2

Above- Anderson’s assessment was the lowest scored ever issued by the show’s panel of expert survivalists and preppers.

The show, which features survival-minded citizens preparing for a myriad of natural disasters, government take-overs and other end-of-the-world scenarios, issues scores for each subject’s preparation efforts. The scoring is on a scale of 1 to 100. According to producers, Anderson scored a zero, a score they confessed they did not realize was possible.

doomsday preppers logo

Anderson admits that while he might not have the stores and supplies as many of the preppers featured on the show, the camera crews happened to catch him on a bad day.

According to producers, Anderson’s preps included the following:

–          Two packs of chewing gum

–          Hammer (broken handle)

–          Several packages of unopened Post-It® Notes

–          Half-eaten ham and provolone sandwich (on sourdough, no mustard)

–          “Assorted milk products”

–          Sammy Hagar “I Can’t Drive 55” T-shirt

–          Chair

One expert prepper who reviewed Anderson’s efforts reportedly told producers “a newborn infant baby just coming into the world would have a better survival score than this douchebag.”

 

dave anderson in camouflage post

Anderson said he was surprised producers weren’t more impressed in his baseball card collection or old Mad Magazines.

According to Anderson, much of his survival planning involves bartering and he believes his collection of items will provide valuable assets to trade with other survivalists should the world end.

“Even in a world ravaged with famine and death and disease and no electricity or clean water, I can’t imagine people not wanting or needing something like Post-It® Notes,” Anderson said. “They come in really handy when making grocery lists or just little reminders.”

Mayor Seeks Super Support

by Coma News staff
Coma needs a hero, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson said Thursday.
Any super heroes in the town’s midst need to “step forward and fulfill your destiny,” Anderson said at a Rotary Club luncheon yesterday.
“If you’re out there and you can hear my voice, please know that we are experiencing a severe crisis in our community and need your help,” Anderson said to the nearly 60 luncheon guests.
Anderson said the heroes qere needed to address a recent surge in unpaid parking and turn signal-related fines.
“This is the hour of our despair,” Anderson said about an estimated $75,000 budget shortfall blamed on the unpaid tickets. “If you have been waiting for a right moment to make your presence known, I beg you to do it now.”

superhero front page

Mayor Anderson called on regular citizens like the one above who may have some amazing super-power and have been waiting to unveil it to the world.

Anderson elicited praise from some residents.
“I’ve always thought I could control animals–or at least predict when they’re gonna crap on my lawn, which I admit is basically every day,” said Town Council member Bob Smith-Smith.
Others were dubious.
“That’s the kind of speach you give for a robot uprising or an evil mastermind ravaging the city, not for some minor parking infractions and moving violations,” Micah Horncraft said.
In a post-speach interview, Anderson elaborated on his plea for help.
“Maybe you’re a math or science expert and you’ve recently been bitten by an insect, or maybe you found a powerful ring or sword or some crap like that,” Anderson said.  “Those are the kind of people who close budget gaps.”
Anderson went on to urge citizens who weren’t sure if they had super powers to try lifting boats, cars or other heavy objects over their head or to even consider stepping in front of a bus or truck to test whether or not they may unwittingly have freakishly super capabilities.
As of press time, no super heroes had come forward.

Friends? Coma Mayor Anderson Announces He’s No Rachel

By Coma News Staff

Coma Mayor Dave Anderson announced yesterday he was “deeply saddened” by the recent results of a Facebook personality quiz to determine which “Friends” character he resembled.  The results of the 15-question quiz determined Mayor Anderson is a “Rachel.”

“I don’t know if there are words that reflect my disappointment,” Anderson said.  “I thought Joey for sure and maybe, at worst, Chandler.  Never saw myself as a Rachel.”

According to the quiz summary page, Mayor Anderson is “spoiled, adorable and completely ill-equipped to deal with day-to-day life events.”

dave aniston

According to a recent Facebook quiz, “Which Friends Character Are You?”, Dave Anderson’s personality most resembled Rachel’s.

“I’m trying not to overreact, but to say I haven’t spent the better part of the last 24 hours analyzing and assessing some of my life choices up to this point would be inaccurate,” Anderson said.  “I feel like I don’t even know who I am any more.”

Mayor Anderson did find some small measure of redemption after completing a similar Facebook quiz to determine “which type of pie” he is. His result was lemon meringue.