Tag: breakfast

Bigfoot Seen “Poking Around” Cereal Aisle at Local Grocer

by Coma News Staff

Several eyewitnesses observed a large, simian-like creature “poking around” the cereal aisle of Sweet Ray’s Grocery store on Monday afternoon.

According to police reports, the hairy, bipedal humanoid rummaged through a variety of cereal boxes before checking out a Nutella end-cap display and then exiting the store empty handed.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Dee Collins, one of several eyewitnesses, said. “You don’t expect to see that kind of thing at a grocery store.”

The unidentified creature spent nearly ten minutes carefully examining the nutrition facts on at least a dozen boxes of breakfast cereal. After appearing to settle on a box of Cranberry Almond Crunch, the creature picked up a box of Lucky Charms.

“I am the same way,” Collins told reporters. “I try to make the healthy choice but damn, those sugary cereals are so good!”


ABOVE: Artist sketch of what witnesses say was a large ape-like creature loitering in the cereal section of a local grocery store this week

According to local cryptozoologist Micah Horncraft, it should not be a surprise that a bigfoot creature would seek a healthy, nutritious breakfast option from a local grocer.

“When you consider the fact that bigfoot’s diet consists primarily of berries, nuts and grains, it makes sense he would seek out breakfast cereal,” Horncraft said. “I mean, it’s not like he’s going to make waffles or anything. Am I right?”

Collins said the creature seemed to “give up” after studying a box of Rice Krispies Treats Cereal. Afterwards, the large beast “sheepishly shuffled” down the aisle until a Nutella display appeared to catch his eye.

“He picked up a jar and smelled it and shook it next to his ear as if he might hear something,” Collins said. “I thought he was going to try to shoplift it but he kind of patted his thighs and hips and must have realized he didn’t have any pockets.”

Store manager Brian Frazier told reporters the store has a strict no-loitering policy and that their staff would be more diligent in the future in managing that policy.

“He must have sort of slipped through,” Frazier said. “It happens. One time we had a horse in the produce section for almost an hour before anyone noticed. Shit happens more often than you think.”

The mysterious creature reportedly left the store and has not been seen since Monday afternoon. This incident is one of an increasing number of bigfoot sightings in the community since 2013.

Artifacts Top Secret Report

Coma Breakfast Report 07 18 16

New Cereal Features Local Resident

wheat cereal 1

By Coma News Staff

Sometimes marketing and branding forgets the common person. But an agri-food conglomerate is looking to change that with the help of a Coma resident.

Hillsbrand Food Company is trial testing a new cereal, Wheat, in the town of Coma to as an alternative to the popular Wheaties breakfast cereal.

“We did a lot of research and found that most Americans, or even humans for that matter, were not actually champions of anything,” said Charles Hogan, vice president of marketing at Hillsbrand Food Company. “To us, Wheaties was targeting maybe the top one-half of one percent of the market. That leaves a huge portion of the market for a competitor.”

Hogan estimated the potential market for Wheat is “whatever one-half of one percent subtracted from one-hundred percent is.”

Using the tag line “Breakfast of Humans,” Wheat is similar to Wheaties and features people on the front of the cereal box. Unlike Wheaties, Wheat cereal features average humans and a handful of D-list celebrities. And at least one Coma resident.

The first box featured Mike Chandler, a 34-year auto salesman recently fired from JAX Used Cars. Chandler, who had DUI convictions in 2002 and 2005, is in the midst of his second divorce and recently filed for bankruptcy.

“I feel I’m good enough to eat their cereal,” Chandler said “ What are my qualifications for being on a cereal box? Well I’m a living human being and they told me the living part is the only qualifier when it comes to eating their cereal.”

Sales for the cereal have languished since the product hit shelves in Coma nearly three months ago, but Chandler is not discouraged.

“I’m no marketing guru but people gotta eat, right?” Chandler said. “They’ll sell, eventually.”

Opinion: Breakfast Not Most Important Meal of Day


By Coma Town Physician, Dr. Jimmy

When it comes to your diet, there’s a lot of information out there on what you should or shouldn’t eat and when to eat it.

Part of my job as a physician is to help people cut through all the clutter.  I recently completed a self-funded study on the popular notion regarding breakfast being the most important meal of the day and want to take some time to share with you my findings.


As it turns out, breakfast is not the most important meal of the day.  In fact, it may not even be in the top five most important meals of the day.  That being said, based on my research, I can say with certainty that breakfast IS in the top ten of most important meals of the day.


My research was conducted over the course of two weeks in February of this year.  I interviewed nearly seven patients and asked them to rank for me their favorite meals.  Additionally, I thought about what meal I thought was not only my favorite, but which one I would least likely not want to miss.  The results were quite shocking.


Based on my research, the most important meals of the day, in order of importance, are as follows:

1. Dinner

2. Snack between breakfast and lunch

3. Lunch

4. Brunch

5. Dessert

6. Second snack between breakfast and lunch

7. Midnight snack

8. Snack as you are preparing dinner (perhaps sampling the meal you are cooking)

9. Breakfast

10. Samples served at grocery stores or Costco

While these results may surprise some, there is no denying the conclusion or the scientific method that was employed to make this discovery.


Breakfast is definitely a top ten meal and you should continue to eat it when you feel like it.  But you should no longer feel as though you are a prisoner to an age-old axiom that has clearly been demonstrated as false.

Happy eating and good health to you always.  As I say to all my patients, “You can live forever if you choose.”