Tag: animals

Culling Kerfuffle Causes Concerns

By Thomas Steven John, Future News Reporter
A pair of fuzzy slippers, three garden gnomes and a non-pet tortoise will be among the items mistakenly seized during this weekend’s annual Coma animal cull.
The wackily inappropriate victims of Coma’s long-standing program to reduce the surplus animal population that has never actually reduced a pet or allowed surreptitious removal of nuisance animals came to this reporter in a peyote-fueled fever dream.

These birds were not actually picked up in the cull they are an example of how unattractive baby birds are.

These birds will not be picked up in the cull they are an example of how unattractive baby birds are.

The annual cull entails teams of town officials and deputized “vigilantes” fanning out across Coma over a designated 24 hours to seize any animal outdoors, behind loose fencing or in houses that are not locked.

“Now they’re seizing lawn ornaments?” Bob McGuiness said when told about the impending loss of his gnomes. “When is it ever going to stop?”
Coma Mayor Dave Anderson, who was reached for comment during his summer-long official hiatus, shrugged off the impending loss of non-pet related items.
“You gotta break a few gnomes to give the people what they want,” he said.
Coma Town Councilmember Natalie Peters expressed relief when told that no parakeets were among the seized and destroyed pets. As the primary proponent of an effort to confer human rights on parakeets, Peters said she is conflicted about the annual event.

These garden gnomes were caught as a result of the cull. They are  the only animals that will be seized in this event.

These garden gnomes were caught as a result of the cull. They are the only animals that will be seized in this event.

“So many owners are not taking proper care of their pets and the should never have gotten animals in the first place,” Peters said. “Plus, there are an awful lot of annoying pets out there.”

 

Free Puppy to the Right Home

classified chihuahua

I am giving away my Chihuahua puppy to the right home.  He has all his shots but he’s an asshole.  I can’t prove it but I think he shit in a pair of my shoes last week.  I know it wasn’t me and am pretty certain it wasn’t my girlfriend.  Unless my goldfish can climb out of their fish bowls and leave turds ten times larger than their bodies, the puppy is the most likely culprit (he refuses to admit to it).

Anyhow, it’s kind of an asshole thing to do to shit in somebody’s shoe so I don’t think he is the dog for me.  Note to potential owner: this dog seems to be judging me when I’m doing the love-making with my girlfriend (like he could do any better!).

Contact Roger if you’re interested.

townofcoma@hotmail.com

 

Blog: How to Care for Your Pet Wolverine

Coma resident, Ed Potter, shares his tips on raising wolverines

Coma resident, Ed Potter, shares his tips on raising wolverines

By Ed Potter

There are dog people, old cat ladies and even folks who like fish as pets. But anyone who’s ever been fortunate enough to raise wild wolverines at home knows that the most honest and rewarding relationship is between a human and a wild, untamed and unpredictable small predator.

Raising wolverines is not like raising other pets. As someone who has lived with these insensitive and ferocious monsters for nearly two decades I can offer some tips and suggestions for first-time wolverine owners navigating their way through a potentially deadly–yet fulfilling–relationship.

No Wolverines in Your Bed

I made this mistake several times. It took losing half an ear a few years ago to realize that sleeping with wolverines is not a good idea. When the animal gets hungry, or playful, it is likely to gnaw on your ear and it unlikely to stop until it has consumed your ear (as was the case with me). While it might seem kind of cute the first time, after the second time you will regret your decision–especially if you wear eyeglasses.

Teeth Your Mouth Not Safe

I lost an incisor last spring after “Daffodil”, a three-year-old female wolverine, clawed and chewed it out of my jaw. Although this attack is relatively rare, the dog-like attraction of wolverines to bones should not be underestimated. The best way to prevent this is to never open your mouth around your pet wolverine. Ever.

Let Wolverine Urinate at All Times

It is not recommended that you attempt to house-train your wolverine. The animals evacuate their bowels everywhere and view efforts to clean it up as a direct challenge to their territory. Best advice is to simply steer clear of any place in your home where your wolverine has urinated.

Stay In Your Room After Dark

If someone were to ask me for just one piece of advice before leaping in to the world of wolverine pet ownership, I would probably plead with them to fear the dark. As soon as the sun sets, go into your bedroom, lock the door and don’t come out until daybreak. You’ll be tempted to open your door or check out that loud-pitch squealing or wonder where the faint sound of moaning is emanating from, but it’s best to leave it alone.

Full-body Chew Suit

Invest in a decent full-body chew suit. I know the ones they sell on devildog.com for $495 seem tempting because they are so cheap, but trust me, you’ll regret it the first time it’s breached and you lose a tendon. Decent chew suits from dumpygrays.com start just under $1,200. When you add up the medical bills you’re sure to incur with the cheaper suit, the choice is pretty obvious.

That’s all of my advice. Remember to love your wolverine but also be very, very, very cautious because that violent, impulsive demon will chew your face off right in front of your eyes.

Ed Potter

townofcoma@hotmail.com