The following does not represent the views of Coma News Daily and should not be in the news section except for the fact that Coma resident Pap McAllister paid a lot of money to dictate this to one of our reporters and paid to have it printed in the news section rather than in opinion or living. Coma News Daily does believe that people need to stop burning down the Coma multicultural building…
Dictated to Jonny Reynolds, emerging content reporter, does not have a social phobia disorder
They’ve done it again. The multicultural center on Sweetzer Avenue was burned down again last night. Whoever keeps burning down the multicultural center needs to knock it off! Or should that be whomever keeps burning down the multicultural center? Why does grammar have to be so confusing these days?
When I was a kid, the only grammar rules we had were I after E except after C and 30 days hath September. Now they have muddied the waters by adding commas, colons and even, Lord help us, semicolons. I do not know what a semicolon is, and I do not want to know. No hardworking American should even be able to recognize a semicolon. If you catch someone trying to slip a semicolon past you, rest assured that person hates America. Of course, the entire education system started to go down hill as soon as they introduced the multiplication tables. Multiplication and division are, naturally, products of the International Mormon Conspiracy to bewilder Americans so they can marry our wives while we struggle with complex math equations. When I was in school, we had the core classes, Reading, Righting and Rithmatic. Spelling had not yet been developed.
We really knew things were getting bad after the Great War, when our boys came back to us from France, telling tales a strange new thing they learned about across the pond. Now, tell me, why in God’s green Earth would I want a gal to put her mouth on my pecker? How, in good conscience, can you share a milkshake with a woman who has had a human ding-dong in her mouth?
The whole country has gone straight to Hell. We have a Democrat in the White House, our girls have gone wild and now some rascal has burned down the multicultural center again. Now where are we supposed to keep our frozen yogurt dog treat cart during the winter months?
I have a message for the arsonist or arsonists responsible for this deed. Grow up. I bet you thought it was really funny to burn down the multicultural center once. Then I bet you thought it was just hee-freakin-larious to burn it down again after we rebuilt it. But, Mr. or Mrs. Arsonist, you have forgotten the old saying, “burn down my multicultural center twice, shame on me. Burn down my multicultural center three times, shame on you.” Rest assured, we will build another multicultural center. And if that one is burned down, we will build another and another. Why? Because we are dedicated to preserving the cause of multiculturalism? No. It is because we will not be intimidated by your immature pranks. You have no idea the forces you are tampering with.
Or should that be the forces with which you are tampering?