Sheriff Arrests Three in Flag Football-Fixing Probe

By Coma News Daily

Coma Sheriffs deputies spread out across Coma Monday to arrest three officials from the Coma Athletic Association on suspicion of flag football game-fixing.

The arrests stem from a probe into two games last week involving third and fourth grade students that allegedly were rigged.

During the investigation, Sheriff’s deputies said they uncovered a network of local officials linked by a pathological need for their children to win at every sport, no matter how inconsequential.

“We can say with certainty that in some flag football teams there are people who don’t just yank flags but also yank the chain of justice,” Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib said.

Chicago Bears v San Francisco 49ers

This guy was not participating in Coma flag football–not that it would have mattered if he did.

One league official, who also was the father of a player, allegedly took over officiating games without revealing his personal relationship to the other team. The opposing coach subsequently blamed several controversial calls with his team’s loss.

“I haven’t been able to sleep or eat all week since finding out our sport has been tainted like this,” said Micah Horncraft, coach of the losing team. “I have been able to drink, though, so no problem there.”

Football jersey

Kitten-based football teams are adorable–unlike the ugly game-fixing allegations swirling around Coma Flag Football.

One of the accused officials, Jax Owen, expressed little regret.

“What I can’t understand is how these parents can let their children lose games right in front of their eyes and not do a damn thing about it. Seriously, what’s wrong with them?” Owen said.

Another father and league score keeper allegedly inflated his son’s team’s score.

“It was bloody confusing because they were already winning–maybe he wanted a score that would make this a statement game, as they call it?” said Robert McGuiness, coach of the losing team.

Pending their trial before Alan Pezzati, the three are being held under house arrest.

Game manipulation has led to large-scale investigations in town in recent years, including a 2011 probe into the St Mary’s Easter Egg hunt and a 2013 review of allegations of steroid use during the baby pig races at the Coma County Fair.

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