Queries & Quislings

An advice dispensary presented as a community service by Coma News publisher Davis Montgomery III.

Dear Query Guy,
How can I make my son become a professional football player? I’ve tried everything to make him good at it: I got him everything Under Armor. I cheer for him every morning when he eats his breakfast. I pause the TV on Tom Brady and say “That guy married a super model.” But my son’s four and he just doesn’t care. Is there anything I can do to make him care? I played football in high school, married a cheerleader, divorced her when she got fat, and married a 7-Eleven clerk. Now, I coach at the high school and sell insurance as my day job. More than anything in the world I want my boy to love everything I do. How do I get him to care?
Man, I Love Football


Dear MILF,

The common notion that “You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family” encapsulates both your problem and solution. The problem is not that you are fixated on an obdurate offspring, but that you are fixated on an nonviable aspiration.
Try focusing yourself on an achievable objective, which in your case may be a son that is a secondary school graduate or who earns enough to subsidize your dotage.
These are not glorious options but they may prove more realistic than the lottery – based retirement plan or dream hooptey repair enterprise, about which you have droned on endlessly to family and co-workers.
More likely to occur is the thoughtful solution cultivated by my delicate petunia: Hit it with a hammer.

hit it with a hammer front page

In your case, my dear MILF, this is likely to occur to you–not by you–in a dark alley behind a liquor emporium.
Good luck and good riddance.

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