Queries and Quislings

Dear Query Guy,

Recently, I found something hidden in the darkest recesses of my basement. It was slightly rusty but I cleaned it and then spent hours and days carefully applying turpentine to every nook and cranny until the steel was gleaming. Then I stripped, sealed and waxed the old school wood handle. And the hammer was beautiful. But my problem is that my wife left me for another man who is a plumber. I am a lawyer. I used this hammer to fix a book shelf, some siding that fell off my house and to take out nails that were holding up pictures of our family before it broke apart. BUT THE HAMMER isn’t fixing the hurt I feel and I’ve tried hitting everything I can with it. What’s the solution?

Hammer It Today


hit it with a hammer front page

Dearest HIT,

Ah, the pleasures of restoring an aged and tarnished implement to its previous gloriousness. The experience surely must have elicited near-rapturous joy. Without indulging myself with queries of my own as to the hue and grain of your device, I will  endeavor to address your query.

First, it is clear to me that life has not been uniformly unkind to you. You were married, an esquire and apparently a homeowner (unless you are wont to destroy rental property). Yet, tragedy has befallen your life of late and you have struggled to accommodate its pernicious effects. In such circumstances it may prove contributive to account for the many positive and uplifting aspects that remain. In such ways many a man has found inspiration to persevere in ways that allow identification of future bonanzas.

Alternately, you could hit it with a fricken’ hammer, as my delicate petunia would say. The problem is not the many objects to which you have applied your device. I would hazard that the device itself is the problem. As painful as it may prove I am left to urge you to hit that hammer with another hammer! Don’t be shy about it. Make every swing count. Through the tears, the mud and the blood, just keep swinging, my friend.




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