By Coma News Staff
An unassuming industrial park on the edge of Coma was the scene of a awkward mishap Monday.
Emergency services responded to an indecipherable 911 text coming from inside the Floatwell Life Vest facility at about 10 a.m. Paramedics arrived to discover a cube of flotation devices that had sprouted twitching arms and legs. Rescuers eventually realized the limbs belonged to a group of Japanese tourists and several employees of the life vest factory.
Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib said he would not speculate about the cause of the accident but he suspected a manufacturing defect caused the rip cord to malfunction on every flotation device inside the building–wedging everyone in the building between life and death.
Gloria Martinez, who is a petite plant worker and single, believes her thin sexy body is the reason she narrowly escaped.
“I was preparing a co-worker’s termination papers and last meal when the life jackets blew up,” Martinez said. “Luckily, I was able to wiggle and gyrate my way to safety.”
Rescuers freed the employees through a deflation technique known as “harpooning,” which entailed firing a giant harpoon from the Coma Whaling Museum into the buoyant mass.
“There was some small concern that we might nick a few of the workers and tourists in the process, but that was a risk I was willing to take.” said Frostnib. “The only humane thing to do was either address the situation quickly or not at all.”
The back up plan was to flood the entire building with water until the vest blob floated enough to burst through the roof.
Davis Montgomery, owner of the factory, said he and his employees are proud that even their tragedies are made in the USA.