Town Action Committee Finalizes Plan for Internet Access in Coma
Sunken Kayak Only Remnant of Popular Riverboat Casino
Coma MegaWinnings Jackpot Now Up to 2 lb Bag of Rice
Out of State Man Arrested for Skunk Breeding Without a Permit

Woman Mispronounces “Character” in front of Boss

Coma resident Janice Wainwright mispronounced the word ‘character’ recently in front of her boss.  Wainwright, who works at Speedy Tax, said she was told about the error by co-worker, Benji McKnight.

“I was mortified,” Wainwright said.  “But to be honest, I had never heard the word pronounced out loud and I thought the C-H letters made the sound like they do in ‘cheese’ or ‘chop’.”

Wainwright said her boss, Denny Neighy, didn’t seem startled or disappointed by her error and didn’t appear to treat her different afterwards.

“I think I’m going to be okay,” she said.  “How the hell are we supposed to know how all these words are pronounced anyway?  Someone needs to invent a talking dictionary.”

Undercover Cop who “Just Didn’t Get It”, is Re-Assigned

Ambrose is third from the left. The one dressed like a police officer.

Coma police officer, Martin Ambrose, was re-assigned last week after what officials called “a necessary change to ensure the success and integrity of Coma’s undercover and vice efforts.”

According to Coma police chief, Raleigh Fitzsimmons, Ambrose was re-assigned to internal affairs after a string of poorly executed undercover assignments.

“He just didn’t get it,” Fitzsimmons said.  “Despite numerous meetings, training and extremely specific, in-depth and detailed conversations, Officer Ambrose failed to grasp the essence of undercover police work.”

Ambrose refused to comment on the situation but did say he was looking forward to his new position in internal affairs.

According to several sources who wished to remain anonymous, Ambrose tended to “stand-out” while working undercover and constantly introduced himself as “Officer Ambrose” or even “Sergeant Martin Ambrose of the Coma Police Department” even while deeply imbedded with local crime rings.

“I don’t think he made it more than two hours for any of his undercover assignments,” one insider said.  “It probably didn’t help that he usually showed his badge and was dressed in uniform.”

Ambrose will begin in his new position next week and has already gone on record to say he looks forward to helping support his fellow officers in every aspect of their job and that he’s “got their back.”

Local Children’s Author Releases New Book

bk 1

Popular Coma children’s author, Stanford Higgens, will release his latest book, “Boo-Ba The Armless Clown” at a special book signing in town next week.

Described as a “haunting, cautionary tale,” the story features an armless clown named Boo-Ba, who wanders a war-ravaged country side in search of human companionship.

“This is a fun-filled, colorful story about a happy-go-lucky clown who sets out to have adventures and learns a few life lessons along the way,” Higgens said of his latest work.

Boo-Ba’s adventures include several run-ins with a terminally ill horse named Sever, who has numerous bouts of incontinence and tries to get the armless clown to pet him, despite the face Boo-Ba has no arms.

“I hope this story will fill childrens’ imaginations for years to come,” Higgens said.  “It’s one of those books that will require multiple readings because there will likely be so much laughter and chuckling going on that you’re bound to miss some details on the first pass.”

Higgens said his favorite part of the book involves Boo-Bah accidentally drinking a gallon of gasoline and having to be rushed to a field hospital to have his stomach pumped.

“There are so many lessons for children to learn from reading this story,” Higgens said.  “It’s great for parents because some of these topics, like drinking gasoline, can be sensitive subjects.  The book breaks down those walls and allows parents to open a dialogue with their children.”

Higgens plans on releasing a new book every month through the spring of 2014.  His next title, “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head” will be released on November 26.

AKC Terrier for Sale

classified sammy hagar dog

AKC Terrier for Sale- FSBO.  Dog looks just like Sammy Hagar and I can’t take it anymore.  Never was a big fan of his work, even his Van Halen stuff.  Every time i look at this dog I get the song “I Can’t Drive 55″ stuck in my head.  The dog does not act like Sammy Hagar and he cannot sing or anything but he looks like he could be Hagar’s twin brother or something.  Don’t believe me?  Google “Sammy Hagar” and then look at the photo of my dog above.  It’s eerie.  Willing to consider a trade if you have a pet that looks like a cooler celebrity like Britney Spears or Lebron James. Contact Thomas if you’re interested.

‘Shit Got Real’ During Local Tetherball Match

Coma Scroll tetherball

If fourth-grader Becky Watson was nervous entering her first match of the season, the emerging superstar didn’t show it.

“It wasn’t a big deal,” Watson said with a humility that has become part of her persona.  “Is this going to be in the newspaper?”

Watson defeated perennial contender, Dusty Higgins, 3 sets to 1 during second recess at Coma Unified School on Wednesday afternoon in a hotly contested match that featured the taller Watson utilizing her reach advantage to take the final three sets after dropping the first.

“Shit just got so real in there,” recess monitor Heather Beaucraft said.  Beaucraft, who officiated the match, said she was surprised at Watson’s skill so early in the season. “At first, it was like the shit wasn’t real at all, like it was pretend or something.  Then suddenly, shit got real.”

Beaucraft said she was impressed by such skilled play so early in the season, particularly the efforts of Watson.

“It’s only January and you’re already bringing your A-game?  Gonna be a long year for players in the yard if she’s stepping up like that already,” Beaucraft said.  “Imagine how real that shits gonna be come May?”

The match got off to a controversial start when Watson was called for a double hit early in the first set.  Soon after, she committed another unintentional foul when she stepped off sides.  Both penalties gave Higgins the opening he needed to win the first set.  Watson appeared to settle down after that and made quick work of Higgins over the next three sets.

Watson clearly benefitted from the nearly three-inch growth spurt she experienced over the summer.  Many students were in disbelief when the gangly ten-year-old returned to class last fall.

“I thought she was a giant or something when I first seen her,” Mitch Pelfry, a classmate of Watson, said.  “I kept calling her Optimus Prime all day because he’s in a movie and he’s really big like a giant made of metal.”

While the fourth-grade tetherball season is just getting underway, it is not hard to envision Watson making a run at a championship.  After failing to qualify for any post-season play last year, the dramatic turnaround seems to have caused a stir for everyone except the budding superstar.

“I have to go or I’m going to miss my bus,” Watson said when asked about her next opponent, Earl Chadwick.  “I don’t want to get stuck sitting next to Duggar Meyers again.  He’s gross.”

Watson’s schedule doesn’t get any easier with several first-recess matches coming up in the next week and a dreaded lunchtime-recess match against Kendra Perkins on February 10.

Beaucraft said she expects the shit to get very real in a hurry when Watson and Perkins square off.

Coma Weekly Police Blotter: Abbreviated for Easy Reading on the Internet

Coma weekly police blotter:

Monday: CATS Attack:  Man in a car with California License plates was detained after running his car into the local community theater during a rousing version of the Broadway Show CATS. After running his car through the plate glass he jumped out and was naked. He cried the word “FREEDOM” and ran up and french kissed one of the actors in the show whose name has been redacted for privacy issues. The Man was detained by Deputy Paul and will be arraigned once his pants are found and his name is ascertained. The CATS refused to press charges for artistic reasons and left the area.

Tuesday: Trespassing Deputy Paul responded to a report of a man stopping at mailboxes and found out that it was in fact Steve Simmons, Coma Postmaster, who was still walking his route even though Coma’s ban on paper has left him without a job.

Wednesday: Dog Attack – Deputy Paul responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking squirrels at about 4:20 Wednesday afternoon. Deputy Paul cited Coma resident Dr. Jimmy for the incident. The squirrels refused medical treatment and left the area according to police reports.

Computer Theft; A resident of Coma called 911 to report a computer theft. The woman claimed to the police deputy that all of the hardware in her computer had been taken and replaced with non working parts. There are no leads at this time.

Getting a new puppy. Looking to sell my grandchildren.

We just found out that we will be able to get the Goldendoodle mix we’ve been waiting for for two years. The puppies were just born so we have five weeks to offload our grandchildren. One is a boy. He’s trained to use the toilet and rarely makes a mess unless inebriated. He’s 19 and of breeding age. He has a nice disposition but no actual job skills. The second is a female. She can ride a bike and lift weights. Again we’ve had trouble with job training. She’s currently 22 and can stay on your healthcare plan until she is 26. Please email me if interested. They both will do dishes if you bribe them with money. Let me know if you are interested. The can come as a package or be split up.

Email me: Sady Cracker

Coma Futurist Society Created

futurist society floating cloud city

According to Horncraft, future cities may be perched upon clouds as depicted in this hand-drawn illustration

Citing a general apathy regarding “olden days” and an “insatiable thirst” for the future, Coma town historian Micah Horncraft resigned from his post as the curator of the Coma Historical Society on Wednesday and immediately accepted a similar position at the new Coma Futurist Society.

“The future is full of wonderment and uncertainty,” Horncraft said in a prepared speech to the city council.  “Did you ever stop and think what buttons might look like in ten or twenty or even a thousand years?  They might not resemble in any way what we’ve come to expect from a button.  This is the type of thing that gets people excited.”

Horncraft said the decision had nothing to do with the recent resignation of Coma historian, Jeff Smithery, who announced last month he would turn his focus from the past to the future.

“My decision had nothing to do with the recent resignation of Coma historian, Jeff Smithery, who announced last month he would turn his focus from the past to the future,” Horncraft said.

Horncraft shared several exhibits that will be part of the Society’s grand opening next month including what appeared to be hand-drawn illustrations of futuristic concepts.

futurists society coffee cup on wheels

“Imagine a robot coffee cup,” Horncraft told the city council.  “It can move around on your table using a remote control.  Isn’t that amazing?  We are going to be sharing cutting-edge technology with citizens of Coma everyday.”

futurists society moustache style ideas

Horncraft said the “Moustache of the Future” will be part of an upcoming exhibit

The Coma Futurist Society is set to open next month.  According to Horncraft, there will be a variety of original, hand-drawn illustrations and diagrams depicting a “fantastic, futuristic world of possibilities,” as well as a magic exhibition and a collection of vintage TV Guides on display.