Film star Reese Foster, whose motion pictures include The Dark Knight, Flags of Our Fathers and Stranger Than Fiction, was recently spotted in Coma by several eyewitnesses.
According to several Coma residents who were able to spend a few minutes in Foster’s company, including snapping a few photos with the actor, Foster was “just passing through town and looking for a place to get gas and some microwavable frozen burritos.”
“It was crazy!” Micah Horncraft, who got the actors autograph along with a photo, said. “That guy is in some of my favorite movies and he was here in our town! Right here on this spot,” Horncraft added while pointing to the ground in front of him.
Foster has uncredited roles in a number of television shows and major motion pictures. His most recent role was that of an Accuretta Worker in “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.” Before that, he played such roles as Party Guest in The Dark Knight and Prison Visitor in the TV series “Prison Break.”
“This is one of the coolest things that’s ever happened here,” a still-excited Horncraft said. “That photo is going on my Facebook page for sure. It’s not every day you meet a Hollywood celebrity.”
According to witnesses, Foster fueled up his 2006 Kia Sorrento, purchased two frozen burritos, a bag of Funyuns and two 16 oz. Mr. Pibb’s before getting in his car and leaving town.
By Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy
Since going on line on the computer world nearly three months ago, a lot of citizens have been asking me if it’s safe to be using computers to read news and information and to do other things. I wanted to take a moment to reassure the citizens of Coma that for the most part, the internet and computers are relatively safe.
Furthermore, it is highly unlikely that a computer or an internet can be used as a violent weapon. While it is physically possible for someone to wield a personal computer hard drive or a monitor to inflict pain and suffering on another human being, it is no different than a television in that regard.
Therefore, I am rating the internet and/or computer as a six on Dr. Jimmy’s “Object as a Practical Tool of Violence” Meter. This is slightly higher than a microwave oven and a little less than a manhole cover or denim pants. For reference sake, an abbreviated version of the meter is included below.
Dr. Jimmy’s Object As A Practical Tool of Violence Meter
10- Hand grenades, firearms, swords, Katana Samurai swords, cannons, heavy artillery
9- Broken glass, fireworks, Legos, battery acid, baseball bats (wood)
8- Bag of batteries, cantaloupe, saw, hammer, toothbrush whittled to a fine point
7- BB gun, peanut brittle, baseball bats (aluminum), manhole cover, water (frozen)
6- Monopoly game pieces, tire iron, internet, scissors, raw spaghetti noodles
5- Stick, microwave oven, pretzels, rolled up magazine, toaster oven
4- Traditional Baatwon “Rabies” Stick, keys, lobster claw, 2.5 lb. dumbbell
3- Captain CrunStickch Cereal, hard boiled eggs, elastic bands, gloves/mittens
2- Photographs of horses, cassette tapes, grass clippings, yogurt
1- Chewed banana, water (unfrozen), hair, letters of the alphabet
Are you a hard charger who has to win and doesn’t quit? Then you might be a good match for an opening for a weekend reporter for the Town of Coma News. Breaking news, such as plant abductions and corn maze fiascoes, don’t wait for the regular work week and neither does our award-winning coverage. Candidates with 10-12 years experience preferred but we may consider someone who is new to journalism and willing to grind out an on-the-job education. Candidates with advanced journalism degrees preferred. Duties include some light housekeeping, childcare, meal preparation and adult diaper changing. Please email breakingnews (at) townofcoma.com if you are interested in this intense and highly rewarding job. Compensation: Breaking the news.
Dear Query Guy,
How do I find happiness? When I was young my mom told me to get out of the house and find the little leprechaun who guarded a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But every time I went to find the rainbow it would vanish. When I got older I searched for that leprechaun in other things–stationary bicycles, dark alleys, matching knit sweaters–and I still can’t find it. All I ask is that you help me find happiness and a way to stay happy all the time.
Where there is laughter there is frequently mirth. But laughter has always been very close to pain–to wit, the court jester’s arrival shortly before Hamlet’s suicide and the playful romp of miniature miscreants in ‘Game of Thrones’ immediately preceding Joffrey’s poisoning.
In truth, laughter and pain are tightly intertwined.
Does that mean you should amend your odyssey to search for a bull whip-bearing billionaire midget? No (the combination is highly unlikely and they are notoriously difficult to train).
Instead, I would suggest heeding the advice my sweet petunia always offers when occupants of our tenements wail about their lack of heat in the depths of winter: hit it with a hammer!
By Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not an Alcoholic
The recent ban on paper products in Coma is just one of many bans enacted over the past six months. Some of the more significant ones are listed below:
April 7- Mugs or cups that depict a graphical representation of love using a heart as opposed to spelling out the word “love”
April 19- Naked salads (salads, including macaroni-style and potato-style lacking appropriate dressing or reasonable sauce of some kind)
May 22- References to “That 70s Show”, “Dude, Where’s My Car?”, Lindsey Lohan movies or other media that glorifies the use of marijuana, alcohol or other mind-altering substances
June 5- Non-dairy whipped topping
June 15- Open containers containing more than five gallons of gasoline may not be set on fire within city limits
June 29- Open sores or wounds of more than 4 cm in length
July 11- Music, spoken-word poetry or miming that deliberately creates “spirit of rebellion” in youth
July 30- Frisbee playing in public places within city limits (“Hippies to the Woods” proclamation)
July 30- Hanky panky (“Hippies to the Woods” proclamation)
July 30- Fun Dip and any candy or food item that utilizes an edible device as a form of silverware (“Hippies to the Woods” proclamation)
August 4- Murder in public places within city limits
August 12- Paper products and items that are comprised of at least 80 percent paper or require paper in their production or require the use of paper in order to function properly
To assist citizens in making good, legal choices, the mayor’s office has issued a helpful cheat sheet for people to use when deciding to undertake an activity. See above.
The following is paid advertisement and does not necessarily reflect the views of Coma News Daily.
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