Queries and Quislings

 

 

Dear Query Guy,
How do I find happiness? When I was young my grandma told me that I could find happiness and it would be as a little leprechaun man who guarded a pot of gold and every time I went to find the rainbow it would vanish before I could find where it ended and I ran the minute I saw the sun come out when it was raining but I never got there. When I got older I searched for it in other things such as stationary bicycles, dark alleys, matching knit sweaters with my significant other and I still couldn’t find it. I need an answer Query Guy. How can I find happiness and stay happy all the time.

Dear happy,

Laughter has always been very close to pain even as a court jester in a Shakespeare play would come in just before Hamlet murdered himself and everyone else or more recently on Game of Thrones where the midgets brought laughter to the crowd before Joffrey was killed by poison. The truth is that laughter and pain are always closely linked and this reality is not something that a leprechaun can fix if perchance you find him huddled under the rainbow with his bottle of Jim Beam whiskey.
In truth you have to find the happiness in yourself and sometimes it is easier to focus on the unattainable rainbow when kidnapping a midget would be much more simple.
If kidnapping a midget it not feasible for you and you don’t have access to a jester hat wait to down the poison. As my sweet petunia always says when we are huddled by the fire surrounded by our very expensive furniture while the renters in our ten aments call and ask for fire wood “hit it with a hammer”. Take your pain and hit that as hard a you can with a hammer. Hit the pain and hit it and hit it until you are exhausted and the only thing you can do is laugh.

Sincerely,
QG

When are Mothers Ever Right? An Lol Girl Mystery

By Marybell Davis, 25 years old, amazing life lived, local blogger and Coma’s only Private Dick

Daddy Warbucks: I’m not sure you should go and get a second graduate degree in Criminology Marybell. You’re not even using any of the degrees you have.

Marybell: Listen, Daddy. It’s tough to be a woman in a man’s world. Men are everywhere farting and taking up space. I need a Criminology degree so I can solve really important mysteries like why is Mom always wrong.

Apparently mothers have been around forever and basically they’ve always been wrong. It’s amazing that children even exist and become anything because mothers have no idea what they are doing, obviously. Case in point: Mary. Yeah right, lady. You were such a good mom that dude Jesus got nailed to wood and stuff. Case in point: Ted Bundy’s mom. What even happened there? For years, mothers have been around thinking they know so much. “Brush your teeth, George,” said Momma Washington. “That tight rope is dangerous,” said some carni’s mom. And the real mystery is how can women who know so much be so wrong?

Here’s an example. I am dating this guy named Randy and he said, “your mom is cute for an old lady.”

And I said, “gross.really?”

And he said, “Yeah I think she was totally wild when she was your age.”

And I said, “gross”

So I told my mom and she said, “I don’t like this Randy. I don’t like how he talks to you. You can do better.”

And that’s where she’s wrong! Randy is the best. He lets me be a real woman and pay for everything when we go out because Randy is between jobs right now. He’s trying to do a lot of meditation and spend some time in a sweat lodge looking at crystals to tell him “What the UNIVERSE wants him to become”. That’s huge. Randy tells me how great I am to look at and that I have an amazing mind that is represented by things like my tight butt and he can really see how smart I am in a bikini. He tells me that one day when he figures out what he’s going to do with his life he’ll take care of me by letting me do everything including work full time so I can feel like a real woman.

And basically I realized moms are wrong because they just don’t get it. They don’t know how it feels to be an independent woman and basically they are never there and always failing you because they can’t help it. Mystery solved. They are wrong because they just can’t help it. Someday if I ever become a mom I’m sure I’ll do everything better.

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, dinner is ready. Your mom made enchiladas.

Marybell: That’s so gross, Daddy. I didn’t want enchiladas. How come she never knows

what I want and need?

Reduce, Reuse & Recycle Your Meds/Pets/Horses

Did you know that an average medicine cabinets holds enough unused prescriptions to keep a family of four medicated for a month?
Those were among the amazing recycling insights Coma families learned during the town’s third annual GreenFest.
go green
Among the efforts the town promoted to help residents go green was the Community Drug Sweep, in which residents dumped unused medications in a giant bag from which other residents could grab handfuls of drugs.
“Greenfest is a great way to connect with my fellow residents in an ecologically responsible way,” said Stoner Steve as he grabbed handfuls of recycled medications from the “sustainability bag.”
Vape and Vinyl Ad Xmas
Local pharmacists were available to advise residents on which medications were best to take when preparing scrumptious and sustainable pet meals.
Greenest activities also included:
Short documentary film on ways to eat short documentary films
Live music from Save the World, which is the mayor’s Boomer-obsessed cover band.
The Band (or Coma Town Council), pictured here in the 60s, is using the new music to help the younger generations understand how wonderful they were and are. Bob Smith-Smith was 'talkin about his generation' in song regardless of whether or not people wanted to listen.

The Band (or Coma Town Council), pictured here in the 60s, is using the new music to help the younger generations understand how wonderful they were and are. Bob Smith-Smith was ‘talkin about his generation’ in song regardless of whether or not people wanted to listen.

Motion Picture Actor Reese Foster Spotted in Coma

 

By Coma News Daily Staff

 

Film star Reese Foster, whose motion pictures include The Dark Knight, Flags of Our Fathers and Stranger Than Fiction, was recently spotted in Coma by several eyewitnesses.

According to several Coma residents who were able to spend a few minutes in Foster’s company, including snapping a few photos with the actor, Foster was “just passing through town and looking for a place to get gas and some microwavable frozen burritos.”

“It was crazy!” Micah Horncraft, who got the actors autograph along with a photo, said. “That guy is in some of my favorite movies and he was here in our town! Right here on this spot,” Horncraft added while pointing to the ground in front of him.

ABOVE: Foster (circled) was featured in an uncredited role in The Dark Knight as a party guest

ABOVE: Foster (circled) was featured in an uncredited role in The Dark Knight as a party guest

Foster has uncredited roles in a number of television shows and major motion pictures. His most recent role was that of an Accuretta Worker in “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.” Before that, he played such roles as Party Guest in The Dark Knight and Prison Visitor in the TV series “Prison Break.”

“This is one of the coolest things that’s ever happened here,” a still-excited Horncraft said. “That photo is going on my Facebook page for sure.  It’s not every day you meet a Hollywood celebrity.”

According to witnesses, Foster fueled up his 2006 Kia Sorrento, purchased two frozen burritos, a bag of Funyuns and two 16 oz. Mr. Pibb’s before getting in his car and leaving town.

ABOVE: Horncraft poses with the celebrity at a local gas station

ABOVE: Horncraft poses with the celebrity at a local gas station

The Internet and Your Safety

dr jimmy 2

Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, sprawled out on a fallen tree during a photo shoot last fall for his “The Many Ways Death Can Kill” project

By Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy

Since going on line on the computer world nearly three months ago, a lot of citizens have been asking me if it’s safe to be using computers to read news and information and to do other things.  I wanted to take a moment to reassure the citizens of Coma that for the most part, the internet and computers are relatively safe.

Furthermore, it is highly unlikely that a computer or an internet can be used as a violent weapon.  While it is physically possible for someone to wield a personal computer hard drive or a monitor to inflict pain and suffering on another human being, it is no different than a television in that regard.

Therefore, I am rating the internet and/or computer as a six on Dr. Jimmy’s “Object as a Practical Tool of Violence” Meter.  This is slightly higher than a microwave oven and a little less than a manhole cover or denim pants.  For reference sake, an abbreviated version of the meter is included below.

 

Dr. Jimmy’s Object As A Practical Tool of Violence Meter

10-           Hand grenades, firearms, swords, Katana Samurai swords, cannons, heavy artillery

9-              Broken glass, fireworks, Legos, battery acid, baseball bats (wood)

8-              Bag of batteries, cantaloupe,  saw, hammer, toothbrush whittled to a fine point

7-               BB gun, peanut brittle, baseball bats (aluminum), manhole cover, water (frozen)

6-              Monopoly game pieces, tire iron, internet, scissors, raw spaghetti noodles

5-              Stick, microwave oven, pretzels, rolled up magazine, toaster oven

4-              Traditional Baatwon “Rabies” Stick, keys, lobster claw, 2.5 lb. dumbbell

3-              Captain CrunStickch Cereal, hard boiled eggs, elastic bands,  gloves/mittens

2-              Photographs of horses, cassette tapes, grass clippings, yogurt

1-              Chewed banana, water (unfrozen), hair, letters of the alphabet

 

Classified: Town of Coma News Seeks Weekend Reporter

Newspaper reporter at typewriter

 

Are you a hard charger who has to win and doesn’t quit? Then you might be a good match for an opening for a weekend reporter for the Town of Coma News. Breaking news, such as plant abductions and corn maze fiascoes, don’t wait for the regular work week and neither does our award-winning coverage. Candidates with 10-12 years experience preferred but we may consider someone who is new to journalism and willing to grind out an on-the-job education. Candidates with advanced journalism degrees preferred. Duties include some light housekeeping, childcare, meal preparation and adult diaper changing. Please email breakingnews (at) townofcoma.com if you are interested in this intense and highly rewarding job. Compensation: Breaking the news.

Queries and Quislings

Queries and Quislings is an advice dispensary offered as a public service of Coma News Daily and the advice is written by Coma News Daily publisher Davis Montgomery III.

 

Dear Query Guy,
How do I find happiness? When I was young my mom told me to get out of the house and find the little leprechaun who guarded a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But every time I went to find the rainbow it would vanish. When I got older I searched for that leprechaun in other things–stationary bicycles, dark alleys, matching knit sweaters–and I still can’t find it. All I ask is that you help me find happiness and a way to stay happy all the time.
Signed
Happy Adventures?

3586660226_7e2ae26b74-300x191

 

Dear HA,

Where there is laughter there is frequently mirth. But laughter has always been very close to pain–to wit, the court jester’s arrival shortly before Hamlet’s suicide and the playful  romp of miniature miscreants in ‘Game of Thrones’ immediately preceding Joffrey’s poisoning.

In truth, laughter and pain are tightly intertwined.
Does that mean you should amend your odyssey to search for  a bull whip-bearing billionaire midget? No (the combination is highly unlikely and they are notoriously difficult to train).
Instead, I would suggest heeding the advice my sweet petunia always offers when occupants of our tenements wail about their lack of heat in the depths of winter: hit it with a hammer!

hit it with a hammer 1
Take your sadness and hit it as hard as you can with a hammer. Hit it again and  again, until you are too exhausted to move and the only thing you can do is laugh.

 

Sincerely,

QG

Timeline of Bans in Coma

11 Coma Ban Decision Tree

By Robert McGuiness, Coma News Reporter, Not an Alcoholic

The recent ban on paper products in Coma is just one of many bans enacted over the past six months.  Some of the more significant ones are listed below:

April 7-  Mugs or cups that depict a graphical representation of love using a heart as opposed to spelling out the word “love”

April 19- Naked salads (salads, including macaroni-style and potato-style lacking appropriate dressing or reasonable sauce of some kind)

May 22- References to “That 70s Show”, “Dude, Where’s My Car?”, Lindsey Lohan movies or other media that glorifies the use of marijuana, alcohol or other mind-altering substances

June 5- Non-dairy whipped topping

June 15- Open containers containing more than five gallons of gasoline may not be set on fire within city limits

June 29- Open sores or wounds of more than 4 cm in length

July 11- Music, spoken-word poetry or miming that deliberately creates “spirit of rebellion” in youth

July 30- Frisbee playing in public places within city limits (“Hippies to the Woods” proclamation)

July 30- Hanky panky (“Hippies to the Woods” proclamation)

July 30- Fun Dip and any candy or food item that utilizes an edible device as a form of silverware (“Hippies to the Woods” proclamation)

August 4- Murder in public places within city limits

August 12- Paper products and items that are comprised of at least 80 percent paper or require paper in their production or require the use of paper in order to function properly

To assist citizens in making good, legal choices, the mayor’s office has issued a helpful cheat sheet for people to use when deciding to undertake an activity.  See above.