Supporters Crushed by Grape Hut Closure

grape hut exterior

By Coma News Staff

A Campaign to prevent closure of the Grape Hut was stomped out this week after the owner announced the restaurant’s closure.

Grape Hut, Coma’s only drive-thru fast food grape restaurant, will close its doors for good at the end of the month, said Micah Horncraft, the restaurant’s owner.

Horncraft cited dwindling sales, a sluggish economy and “grape fatigue,” as the likely causes behind the failure of the business, which opened opened seven months ago.

“It says a lot about our current economic situation when a restaurant specializing in grapes can’t stay in busines of the s for even a year,” Horncraft said.

Leaders of a campaign to keep the grape purveyor operational included Jax Owen, owner of Big O Moonshine & Wine, who bought the unsold daily surplus from the restaurant to create his award-winning local wine.

“This is probably it for Hot Rod Merlot,” Owen said. “You can’t steal grapes this cheap.”

grape hut drive thru

Above: Grape Hut business thrived early on with nearly seven customers per day. Sales have since declined sharply

Another supporter of the fruit purveyor, Chase Donovan , said the restaurant’s loss will leave a void that is hard to fill.

“Ever since Eggs-To-Go burned down last year, the grape store has been our fall back car-pelting ammunition store,” said Donovan, a Coma News Daily intern. “You haven’t seen pissed off until you nail a dude in a convertable with a fistful of grapes.”

Horncraft said the business will close its doors for good next Sunday.  While disappointed, Horncraft said he’s already thinking about his next business venture.

“I love buffet-style restaurants but I never have time to go to one,” he said.  “I want to make the world’s first drive-thru all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant.”

 

 

Local Man-Boy Offers Basement Survival Skills Training

Chase Donovan has always been a survivor. And now he hopes to help others in our community survive the dangers of their parent’s basements.
“If I can keep just one young adult from endangering their lives while trying to survive the unforgiving environment of a basement, this will all be worth it,” Donovan said.
A lifelong resident of Coma, 20-year-old Donovan recently launched his expert guide service Alone in the Basement based on the popular survival series Alone.
Living in a parents basement is not a new phenomenon but harnessing the power of that life without the irritating preoccupations of having to care for yourself is the future.

Living in a parents basement is not a new phenomenon but harnessing the power of that life without the irritating preoccupations of having to care for yourself is the future.

“Its just you down there–unless you train your parents to bring you down snack–so you’ve got to know how to deal with some of the challenges that will arise,” Donovan said.
Common basement survival challenges include burned light bulbs, a bug, and batteries in remotes and game controllers running out. Basement survivalists also need to ensure they don’t run short of critical supplies, like Totinos bites, slippers, and toilet paper.
His inspiration and survival philosophy are based on the expert insights of famed explorer and survivalist Christopher McCandless, who died of starvation in the Alaskan wilderness at 24.
Donovan’s father said he’s also available by text or Snapchat 24 hours a day to provide help on any issues Donovan can’t address for clients, such as the likely locations of light switches.
Marybell Davis, Donovan’s first client, already credited his expert instruction with “saving my life.”
“I couldn’t find my new $300 iPhone ear buds anywhere,” Davis said. “And Shane was like ‘Have you tried looking under the wraparound leather sofa in the sitting area of your basement experience?’ OMG, life saver.”
Donovan hopes to eventually expand his experr survival guidance to young adults living in their parents’ finished garages, guest rooms and pool houses.
“Like I always tell my client, each environment carries it’s own unique risks so adapt to it survive there, don’t expect it will always adapt to you,” Donovan said.

Queries and Quislings

 

 

Dear Query Guy,
How do I find happiness? When I was young my grandma told me that I could find happiness and it would be as a little leprechaun man who guarded a pot of gold and every time I went to find the rainbow it would vanish before I could find where it ended and I ran the minute I saw the sun come out when it was raining but I never got there. When I got older I searched for it in other things such as stationary bicycles, dark alleys, matching knit sweaters with my significant other and I still couldn’t find it. I need an answer Query Guy. How can I find happiness and stay happy all the time.

Dear happy,

Laughter has always been very close to pain even as a court jester in a Shakespeare play would come in just before Hamlet murdered himself and everyone else or more recently on Game of Thrones where the midgets brought laughter to the crowd before Joffrey was killed by poison. The truth is that laughter and pain are always closely linked and this reality is not something that a leprechaun can fix if perchance you find him huddled under the rainbow with his bottle of Jim Beam whiskey.
In truth you have to find the happiness in yourself and sometimes it is easier to focus on the unattainable rainbow when kidnapping a midget would be much more simple.
If kidnapping a midget it not feasible for you and you don’t have access to a jester hat wait to down the poison. As my sweet petunia always says when we are huddled by the fire surrounded by our very expensive furniture while the renters in our ten aments call and ask for fire wood “hit it with a hammer”. Take your pain and hit that as hard a you can with a hammer. Hit the pain and hit it and hit it until you are exhausted and the only thing you can do is laugh.

Sincerely,
QG

When are Mothers Ever Right? An Lol Girl Mystery

By Marybell Davis, 25 years old, amazing life lived, local blogger and Coma’s only Private Dick

Daddy Warbucks: I’m not sure you should go and get a second graduate degree in Criminology Marybell. You’re not even using any of the degrees you have.

Marybell: Listen, Daddy. It’s tough to be a woman in a man’s world. Men are everywhere farting and taking up space. I need a Criminology degree so I can solve really important mysteries like why is Mom always wrong.

Apparently mothers have been around forever and basically they’ve always been wrong. It’s amazing that children even exist and become anything because mothers have no idea what they are doing, obviously. Case in point: Mary. Yeah right, lady. You were such a good mom that dude Jesus got nailed to wood and stuff. Case in point: Ted Bundy’s mom. What even happened there? For years, mothers have been around thinking they know so much. “Brush your teeth, George,” said Momma Washington. “That tight rope is dangerous,” said some carni’s mom. And the real mystery is how can women who know so much be so wrong?

Here’s an example. I am dating this guy named Randy and he said, “your mom is cute for an old lady.”

And I said, “gross.really?”

And he said, “Yeah I think she was totally wild when she was your age.”

And I said, “gross”

So I told my mom and she said, “I don’t like this Randy. I don’t like how he talks to you. You can do better.”

And that’s where she’s wrong! Randy is the best. He lets me be a real woman and pay for everything when we go out because Randy is between jobs right now. He’s trying to do a lot of meditation and spend some time in a sweat lodge looking at crystals to tell him “What the UNIVERSE wants him to become”. That’s huge. Randy tells me how great I am to look at and that I have an amazing mind that is represented by things like my tight butt and he can really see how smart I am in a bikini. He tells me that one day when he figures out what he’s going to do with his life he’ll take care of me by letting me do everything including work full time so I can feel like a real woman.

And basically I realized moms are wrong because they just don’t get it. They don’t know how it feels to be an independent woman and basically they are never there and always failing you because they can’t help it. Mystery solved. They are wrong because they just can’t help it. Someday if I ever become a mom I’m sure I’ll do everything better.

Daddy Warbucks: Marybell, dinner is ready. Your mom made enchiladas.

Marybell: That’s so gross, Daddy. I didn’t want enchiladas. How come she never knows

what I want and need?

Reduce, Reuse & Recycle Your Meds/Pets/Horses

Did you know that an average medicine cabinets holds enough unused prescriptions to keep a family of four medicated for a month?
Those were among the amazing recycling insights Coma families learned during the town’s third annual GreenFest.
go green
Among the efforts the town promoted to help residents go green was the Community Drug Sweep, in which residents dumped unused medications in a giant bag from which other residents could grab handfuls of drugs.
“Greenfest is a great way to connect with my fellow residents in an ecologically responsible way,” said Stoner Steve as he grabbed handfuls of recycled medications from the “sustainability bag.”
Vape and Vinyl Ad Xmas
Local pharmacists were available to advise residents on which medications were best to take when preparing scrumptious and sustainable pet meals.
Greenest activities also included:
Short documentary film on ways to eat short documentary films
Live music from Save the World, which is the mayor’s Boomer-obsessed cover band.
The Band (or Coma Town Council), pictured here in the 60s, is using the new music to help the younger generations understand how wonderful they were and are. Bob Smith-Smith was 'talkin about his generation' in song regardless of whether or not people wanted to listen.

The Band (or Coma Town Council), pictured here in the 60s, is using the new music to help the younger generations understand how wonderful they were and are. Bob Smith-Smith was ‘talkin about his generation’ in song regardless of whether or not people wanted to listen.

Motion Picture Actor Reese Foster Spotted in Coma

 

By Coma News Daily Staff

 

Film star Reese Foster, whose motion pictures include The Dark Knight, Flags of Our Fathers and Stranger Than Fiction, was recently spotted in Coma by several eyewitnesses.

According to several Coma residents who were able to spend a few minutes in Foster’s company, including snapping a few photos with the actor, Foster was “just passing through town and looking for a place to get gas and some microwavable frozen burritos.”

“It was crazy!” Micah Horncraft, who got the actors autograph along with a photo, said. “That guy is in some of my favorite movies and he was here in our town! Right here on this spot,” Horncraft added while pointing to the ground in front of him.

ABOVE: Foster (circled) was featured in an uncredited role in The Dark Knight as a party guest

ABOVE: Foster (circled) was featured in an uncredited role in The Dark Knight as a party guest

Foster has uncredited roles in a number of television shows and major motion pictures. His most recent role was that of an Accuretta Worker in “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.” Before that, he played such roles as Party Guest in The Dark Knight and Prison Visitor in the TV series “Prison Break.”

“This is one of the coolest things that’s ever happened here,” a still-excited Horncraft said. “That photo is going on my Facebook page for sure.  It’s not every day you meet a Hollywood celebrity.”

According to witnesses, Foster fueled up his 2006 Kia Sorrento, purchased two frozen burritos, a bag of Funyuns and two 16 oz. Mr. Pibb’s before getting in his car and leaving town.

ABOVE: Horncraft poses with the celebrity at a local gas station

ABOVE: Horncraft poses with the celebrity at a local gas station

The Internet and Your Safety

dr jimmy 2

Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, sprawled out on a fallen tree during a photo shoot last fall for his “The Many Ways Death Can Kill” project

By Coma Physician Dr. Jimmy

Since going on line on the computer world nearly three months ago, a lot of citizens have been asking me if it’s safe to be using computers to read news and information and to do other things.  I wanted to take a moment to reassure the citizens of Coma that for the most part, the internet and computers are relatively safe.

Furthermore, it is highly unlikely that a computer or an internet can be used as a violent weapon.  While it is physically possible for someone to wield a personal computer hard drive or a monitor to inflict pain and suffering on another human being, it is no different than a television in that regard.

Therefore, I am rating the internet and/or computer as a six on Dr. Jimmy’s “Object as a Practical Tool of Violence” Meter.  This is slightly higher than a microwave oven and a little less than a manhole cover or denim pants.  For reference sake, an abbreviated version of the meter is included below.

 

Dr. Jimmy’s Object As A Practical Tool of Violence Meter

10-           Hand grenades, firearms, swords, Katana Samurai swords, cannons, heavy artillery

9-              Broken glass, fireworks, Legos, battery acid, baseball bats (wood)

8-              Bag of batteries, cantaloupe,  saw, hammer, toothbrush whittled to a fine point

7-               BB gun, peanut brittle, baseball bats (aluminum), manhole cover, water (frozen)

6-              Monopoly game pieces, tire iron, internet, scissors, raw spaghetti noodles

5-              Stick, microwave oven, pretzels, rolled up magazine, toaster oven

4-              Traditional Baatwon “Rabies” Stick, keys, lobster claw, 2.5 lb. dumbbell

3-              Captain CrunStickch Cereal, hard boiled eggs, elastic bands,  gloves/mittens

2-              Photographs of horses, cassette tapes, grass clippings, yogurt

1-              Chewed banana, water (unfrozen), hair, letters of the alphabet

 

Classified: Town of Coma News Seeks Weekend Reporter

Newspaper reporter at typewriter

 

Are you a hard charger who has to win and doesn’t quit? Then you might be a good match for an opening for a weekend reporter for the Town of Coma News. Breaking news, such as plant abductions and corn maze fiascoes, don’t wait for the regular work week and neither does our award-winning coverage. Candidates with 10-12 years experience preferred but we may consider someone who is new to journalism and willing to grind out an on-the-job education. Candidates with advanced journalism degrees preferred. Duties include some light housekeeping, childcare, meal preparation and adult diaper changing. Please email breakingnews (at) townofcoma.com if you are interested in this intense and highly rewarding job. Compensation: Breaking the news.