This Day in History: Cat Park Invented

By Stan Bargmeyer, Coma News Daily elderly intern

 

On July 23, 1984, more than three years of effort resulted in the cats of Coma and their people finally having a park to call their own.

At 9:00 a.m. on that historic day, Mayor T. Boone Dickens gave a short speech thanking local Cat Park advocates for their research, dedication, and steady commitment to bringing a Cat Park to town.

About a dozen cats and their family members showed up for the opening day activities and to check out the new park. Most of the animals immediately jumped the fence and ran away.

relaxation

History has shown us that there is literally no length this town will not go to to appease our feline overlords.

The few remaining cats were soon chased off by a local dog that wandered by the Cat Park and began uncontrollably barking.

Despite the loss of the cats, their owners were able to enjoy a day sitting in the covered pavilion, sharing potato salad, and talking about their cats.

When discussions of the Cat Park for Coma were first brought before the Town Council there was much skepticism and limited support. After three years of steady efforts of a group of committed Cat Park supporters and advocates, led by the husband and wife team of Riley Jacobs and Summer Moon Beam Roehner, the idea became even more unpopular.

But by cultivating a series of favors owed to them by Town Council members, the pair were able to realize their dreams of a dedicated space for Coma cats to run away and–occasionally–to play and socialize with other felines.

The site is the current location of the Coma Wastewater Treatment Plant and Spring Water Dispensary.

Judge Pezzati Rejects ‘Nothing But Mammals’ Defense

By Coma News Daily Staff

In a landmark legal ruling, Coma Traffic Court Judge Alan Pezzati roundly rejected further use of “nothing but mammals” legal defense.

The decision, which Pezzati read from the bench, torpedoed the emerging legal theory first championed by the
Bloodhound Gang in their song “The Bad Touch.”

babyseal

If Lady Justice is blind she could easily be a bald, old, white guy and would have no idea.

“This case turned on the theory that ‘You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals; So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel; Get horny now,” Pezzati said.
“This court finds that the crude, out-dated ditty is insufficient grounds to excuse the charge of speeding in a 25 MPH zone.”

The defendant, Micah Horncraft, said he was shocked and saddened by the ruling.

Alan's Vape and

Alan’s Vape and Vinyl: Your premier Coma destination for fine vaping products, quality wax recordings, and automotive justice.

“I always thought the song’s logic was pretty airtight,” Horncraft said as he left the courthouse, which also house’s the judge’s business, Alan’s Vape and Vinyl. “Who could have anticipated the song’s reasoning would break down when applying it to car-driving dogs?”

Horncraft’s defense posited that his driving speed and precision were infinitely better than his dog’s driving would have been in the same circumstances.

The case’s impact was quickly felt by numerous town residents.

“Canada may have recently legalized bestiality but this ain’t Canada, Jack” Stan Bargmeyer said, apparently about a different case.

Pezzati’s decision striking down the “mammal defense” rested on the vagueness of the lyrics.

“Let me be Pacific I wanna be down in your South Seas; But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means ‘Small Craft Advisory,'” Pezzati said. “Terrible rhymes, weird nautical theme, and what’s up with the child-speak word play?”

Other legal holes Pezzati shot in the “mammals defense” included the easily misunderstood lyrics.

“We ain’t nothing but camels? Enamel? Mammoths? Are any of us really sure what they were singing about?” Pezzati said. “Get horny now.”

Millionaire Thanks Town for Charging Station

By Coma News Daily Staff

The wealthiest resident of Coma choked back tears Monday at the dedication of Coma’s first electric car charging station.

“The generous gift of $420,000 by the residents of this small town to build this charging station put a smile on this simple boy’s face,” Davis Montgomery III, said during his  two and half hour address.

Fresh from a morning ride at one of his three horse farms, Montgomery addressed the gathered crowd while still dressed in his riding pants and boots. The opening ceremony included raffled off $1 gift cards to Coma Dollar Store.

Montgomery hailed the environmental benefits of the charging station, which will allow him to drive his $120,000 Tesla Model X for another 15 miles. That will allow Montgomery to avoid using any of his 12 other gasoline-powered vehicles.

“This is really about leaving a better world for our children–not that I have any of my own but I consider most people’s children mine,” Montgomery said. “These small humans are facing catastrophe from this town’s wanton use of fossil fuels but today you have taken a small step in the right direction.”

Art collector and Coma News Daily publisher, Davis Montgomery, stands beside a painting by former North Korean Supreme Leader, kim Jong-Il at a recent preview of the upcoming exhibition

Art collector and Coma News Daily publisher, Davis Montgomery, stands beside a painting by former North Korean Supreme Leader, kim Jong-Il at a recent preview of the upcoming exhibition

Montgomery also took the time to shoo children away who had gotten too close to his car.

“The Inuit of Canada’s North have over 100 words for snow,” Montgomery said during the second hour of his remarks. “I wish there were that many for thank you, because I’d use every one of them in this speech.”

Children love dirt. Why not teach them to raise vegetables I can sell for just $500 a week this summer?

“Children love dirt. Why not teach them to raise vegetables I can sell for just $500 a week this summer?”  said Davis Montgomery III

Davis noted that the charging station would benefit at least five of his friends who own Teslas and live on estates in neighboring counties.

“Simply put, if it wasn’t for faithful supporters like you, charging stations wouldn’t exist,” Montgomery said. “So thank you for supplying the funds that we need to make a difference in the lives of enlightened electric cars drivers who struggle with recharging needs while passing through our own town.”

Manhunt Underway for Bird-Giver

By Coma News Daily Staff

There’s a new animal threat in Coma but there’s no cage that can contain it.

The animal in question is the “bird” unleashed on unsuspecting residents by an unknown local teen driver.

“I was driving through town last week and this car starts honking its horn and flashing its lights and so I pulled over and let them pass,” said Stan Bargemeyer, a local senior citizen. “Then I see it’s this young lady and she’s giving me the you-know-what finger.”

bird

At least four residents have reported that a young female driver in a yellow or tan, older sedan has similarly given them the vulgar gesture.

“I was walking my bulldog, George Foreman, when I heard a ‘honk’ and when I looked up all I saw was this angry face and that finger,” Marlee Baumgartner said.

The identity of the serial vulgarian was not known but Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib urged residents not to take matters into their own hands, if confronted.

“This person is capable of literally anything, I think she’s shown that, so extreme caution is warranted,” Frostnib said.

Meanwhile, some residents are worried what impact the crime spree will have on home values in the once-peaceful town.

“My friend was visiting and that finger waving was the first thing she saw,” said Natalie Peters. “That’s not the kind of greeting she was expecting from my stories about small town life. Someone needs to stop this monster.”

Mayor Dave Anderson was asked what steps the Coma Town Council might take to stop this offender. “We are considering multiple ideas on how to mitigate future bird attacks including driver restraints.” He said.  When asked if he meant “restraint” Mayor Anderson replied, “Restraints. Like the ones they use at the Coma Mental Hospital and Yoga Studio.”

Artifacts Easter Egg Hunt

COMA Easter Egg Hunt 07 18 16

‘Sustainable’ Shoppers Missing, Assumed Overseas

By Coma News Daily Staff

Brother, can you spare some arugula?

It turns out that sellers of arugula–and many other craft premium organic products–can spare lots this month. Owners of stores selling such pricey food, as well as the local Porsche Bicycle dealership, Beyonce’s Canine Boutique, and The Bloody Good Diamond jewelry emporium say their customers have mysteriously gone missing.

And some suspect aliens.

alienbicycle2

No worries, Mayor Dave Anderson said.

“I’m pretty sure our friends and neighbors have just left for Turks and Caicos,  Brazilian rainforest resorts or the French Riviera,” Anderson said. “I’m sure they’ll be back when their vacations are done in the next four weeks or so.”

In the meantime, some businesses are taking desperate measures.

Bob Smith-Smith, owner of Bob’s Organic, said during August he will once again sell domestic beer, tobacco, mac and cheese and leisure wear, among other staples of “the non-sustainables,” as he calls blue collar residents in town.

Businesses focused on blue collar residents, such as Dollar Damsel and Bear’s Biker Bar, have had solid sales this month, their owners report.

“Fat chance any of my regulars got cash for a vacation–unless you count getting washed 20 miles down the Coma River after passing out on an inner tube,” said Bear.

Artifacts Kickball Game

COMA Kickball Game 07 18 16

ONGOING CLASSES & ACTIVITIES: Peaceful Puppeteers

The following is a paid advertisement and does not necessarily represent the views of Coma News Daily.

 

Peaceful Puppeteers

6 p.m. – 10 p.m. meets tonight.  We are a group of peaceful puppeteers committed to non-invasive puppeteering (we do not insert our hands inside the puppet but let the puppet express itself naturally).  We do not speak on behalf of the puppet.  Peaceful puppeteers are committed to a peer relationship with a puppet in which no one  is in control. Puppet and puppeteer are at peace with one another.  If this interests you, please join us!  Meetings held in my garage twice a month depending on the puppets availability.  Contact Mayor Dave Anderson for details.

 

Keep in mind that we let the puppets work at their own pace. They need the time and space to feel comfortable with expressing themselves.  Please come with an open mind and a commitment to a puppet-person peer relationship.

 

This should never happen between you and your puppet. The entire reason for peaceful puppeteering keeps moments like this from occurring.

This should never happen between you and your puppet. Peaceful puppeteers keep moments like this from occurring between person and puppet.